An hour and a half. Yes, that's how long I spent on the phone with yet another police officer regarding my ex-husband tonight. AHHHHHHH Okay, it's challenging to type, to form sentences when you are so stressed, angry, upset, not sure what the right words is that I am looking for here...perhaps because there isn't just one.
Where do I even begin this time. My head is just spinning, thoughts of anger, that I was worried about him this morning when I received the email, "In hospital again no kids tonight" in the message line with no email. That was VERY unlike him, as the last time he went into the hospital, in the fall, he kept texting and emailing like crazy. I have told multiple people that I know he is not in his right mind right now and that I can honestly see him trying to take his own life before going to jail. When I told the Pastor I have been talking with, as I was on my way back into the office, he said, "This is good. The kids are with you tonight, safe, where they should be. He's probably in for treatment right, he was suppose to go yesterday you said for the appointment." I walked away not viewing it the same. After being a my desk a few minutes I went back in and said, "No, it's something else, he wouldn't have said it like that if that were the case, he would have said he had check-ed in, I know him better than that."
It was bothering me, as I worked, as I left and picked up the supplies for the birthday party this weekend, my gut, it knew there was something else. I kept looking at my phone for texts, for messages...when he gets stressed/etc. In the last approximately five years since this divorce began he was either texting harassing messages when things got bad or suddenly confiding in me as if we were still together, perhaps because he had no one else to turn to/to tell. Last Thursday's one line email and this morning's message...NOT like him. Then again, I myself said, he is not himself right now.
Hearing the officer on the phone tonight say, they had a sheriff report to the house this afternoon on a 911 call...the officer didn't have access to who made the call as he was not on duty yet and didn't have access to the sheriff's CAD or something he said...the sheriff reportedly went on a not safety check, but something of the sort and it was said that his buddy Lee told the officer he would take him to to the hospital. RED FLAG going off here. It took me a few minutes of processing, listening to him explain this again to realize, it was like reliving the story of my birthday in September of 2008. I was called by the local police station questioning if I was okay and concerned for my safety. My ex-husband's mother had called 911 that time, as she feared he was going to take his life, the sheriff showed up and his buddy across the street said in the report (my lawyer had a copy of it we read) that he agreed to take him in to the hospital. But he never did.
I warned, told the police tonight, I bet he's not really in the hospital right now. This exact thing happened and no one took him in last time, he convinced his buddy not too. I was so angry thinking that he lied to me this morning, that I felt sympathy/concern for him and he was there...it was sometime this afternoon that the sheriff came, received the call. There is an extremely good chance he's still there.
Hearing the officer say, honestly, from one parent to another, you need to go after him when he's in jail and get your kids out of there. I would not let my child go over there. He agreed, as I said concerned, that I don't know these men that are living there now and apparently others are hanging out there. I mentioned the first name of the new man that my daughter told me had moved in, has he had been kicked out of his apartment above a local bar...he wouldn't tell me what for, I didn't ask, but he has a criminal record, yes. No, I am NOT sending my kids back there this weekend.
This was the officer who had sat in on my child protective services visit in the fall and said he watched as she fell right for his lines and lies. I questioned him, is it that hard to see through him? He has had enough encounters with my ex now that he said no, well, for anyone smart enough it shouldn't be. Now too, he looks worse and worse each time I see him. He looks sick.
He is right, he looks awful, he is in awful shape. I even told the officer that a part of me feels bad for him. He stopped me right there and said, don't do that! I told him, watching someone you've know for that long deteriorate like this, it's not easy.
Okay, so he explained that once the senctencing is complete on Monday, I can get a summary of the report/case. Then, I also found out it is possible to get a summary of all reports from the county sheriff's office regarding him, so I could indeed get the report of him threating my life again this fall, even if they didn't have enough evidence to arrest him.
I explained that I have had such negative experiences ever getting anything to be seen as it really is happening, that the justice system keeps working against me, not helping my children, that how do I have the faith in it to try again, to try to fight again. He pointed out, the facts. Now you have, or will have documentation of his criminal history over the past few years. Getting another OWI, getting fired, just looking at him, he's sick. There is a lot there now, Lisa.
This is the second police officer in the past month who has told me directly, to get the kids out of there, go back for placement and do it now. Last time, once I had time to step back from hearing everything, I really questioned if I had enough, how long before the recent arrest documentation would be available and if our local courts, who don't seem to stand up for the best interest of the children in my opinion, as of late, would really do something about things if I went back. Hearing this second officer spell it out to me, it tonight, sounds like it's the only choice I have.
I still can't get over the fact that I believed he was in the hospital this morning. I am so mad at myself for being so gulable...yet at the same time, that is what I needed though, right? For him to not want the kids instead of me emailing saying I am not taking them over there and creating more troubles.
Hearing the officer say he drove right by my ex driving today...that he looked up the bond information after that and saw he wasn't allowed to drive. Once again, it's just so frusterating to hear how much my ex continues to get away with, which just gets his ego going even more that he is invincible.
Monday night, during our local Cub Scouts Meeting, I saw the wife of what use to be one of my ex's closest friends, and the neighbor across the street from him. I honestly didn't know if I wanted to speak to her as I made it through the weekend on the statement, "Ignorance is bliss". Once again, it holds true. She questioned when he actually leaves for jail, as he has five or six cars out in front of the house every night now. I told her that I had received the email stating "I may have just lost my job" and heard nothing since. She said she had heard he was asked to resign. Either way NOT good for my life situation. As she continued to share that he showed up at the local bar this weekend bragging or commenting how he was "drunker than a ...." and wouldn't give her husband the time of day. Just retyping it is so infuriating. According to his bond set in November he is not to enter any bar! He is not to drink!
When I told her I was nervous about sending my children over there tonight or this weekend, she repsonded right away, there is no way I would. I went back to the table my children were seated at so overheated, upset and concerned all at once. I came home, got them to bed and right away type up a message to the local police that I have been working with, explaining everything I had been told this evening. Also adding, that if he truly did lose his job, which it is sounding like he did, then he lost his idenity, the one thing he fights for to keep. If that's gone, no telling what he's going to do now, which concerns me greatly.
I waited to hear back from the officer yesterday, but knew that the local police work in shifts and I didn't know the next time she'd be on duty. Then, last night, I received an email from the police in charge of the town my ex lives in, saying he had heard from the other officer and was wondering my concerns. I discovered he too was off duty at the time but asked me to email him, which I did. Then this morning, when I received the email about being in the hospital, I forwarded that to him too.
Tonight, right before I was putting my children to bed, I received an email from the officer asking me to call him. Which is when I discovered all that I began typing in this entry tonight.
I am so twisted and conflicted with emotions and feelings right now. I think part of me foolishly, optomistically would have loved for my ex to be checked in, getting help for his alcohol and what sounds like drug issues...thinking how much easier life could be if he did get help, he did turn things around...reality is, that is not very likely. Reality is I need to once again become even stronger, continue to fight...as I posted on Facebook right after getting off the phone tonight, the image from Meg Ryan's movie, "You've Got Mail", when she finally got the inner strength to fight for her mother's store, she declared, "It's time to go to the mattresses!" Well, alright, that's a bad anology, as she lost the battle, but I felt that surve of energy from within.
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