10 Years Ago Tonight

It was 10 years ago right now that I was in a recovery room, awakening to hear, I had a baby girl.  I was groggy, tired and once I came to enough to hold her in my arms, in love in a way only a mother can understand.  Tonight, I held my daughter in my arms (we'll arms around her hugging her as best I could) as she feel asleep.  I laid there next to her, doing all I could to not cry.  I was, I am so proud of her, so amazed at how smart, strong, wonderful she has become regardless of all that has occurred over the past ten years.  Just before she drifted off to sleep, we had quite a mature talk for my exhausted little girl.  We began with our prayer, then I brought up Dad, as we had just prayed that he gets better.  She had said during the prayer, a comment asking God to please help the hospital make Dad all better.  I started by telling her that it's okay to be sad, to cry, that she cried and that Mom was crying last night about Dad.  I explained that when we care about someone, it really hurts to hear them in pain.  I explained that he did leave the hospital tonight and that he would be going to jail tomorrow.  She questioned how he could go, how the police would understand him when he talks like that, how he did last night when she had spoken to him.  I explained they would be able to figure things out and then continued out talk to explain that when he goes to jail, it won't be like how they show it on TV/movies.  I told her that it's okay to talk about it, that I had even talked to a police officer to find out more, as I didn't know either.  I explained that he would just have a place to sleep and have time to think, again explaining it would be like a grown-up time out.  No one will be hurting him or doing anything bad to him like they sometimes show on TV.  She continued on, saying asking if he'll only have a book and cell phone then?  I said, well, I know he can't have his phone or computer with him, but he'll have a bed, a place to sleep and sit yes.  Her eyes bugged out as she almost laughed saying NO cell phone, I don't know what he'll do with out that!  She asked about having to sleep on a cement bed and have to go to the bathroom with all sorts of guys watching him...we discussed any questions she had.  Again,  I reminded her that it's just a place for him to go and think about what happened.  I told her it's not a high-security prison, where people who have killed people will be, that he's not going to be hurt there.  She commented how it's kinda like her good friend who has to sometime have a time out on her stairs, no toys, books, just sit and think.  I said that was a good way to put it. 

She was also concerned if he would be on the news, to which I explained no.  I said if he would have hit and killed someone when he was driving drunk, then yes, that may have been, but he was blessed that an officer found him not driving well and stopped him.  That he didn't, nor did anyone else get hurt.  I explained that the officer was concerned about his driving, then found out he had been drinking and took him to jail so that he wouldn't hurt anyone.  That he then got to go home and talk about things with the judge.  I explained that the judge listens to what happens and then told him not to drink anymore, to go to any bars, to be safe...she stopped me with her eyes big, "Whoops!" to each of those...and then I said that he may only be in jail a few weeks...the judge will decide that tomorrow, but when he keeps not following the rules, that might be why it is longer.  She made a face and you could tell she understood.  I said, after that, hopefully he will be going to that place, like a hospital, that we talked about to help him not drink/make bad choices anymore. 

Then, again amazing me with her maturity at ten years old, she questioned, "Mom, is that why you guys got divorced?  Because of his drinking and swearing at you all the time?"  I explained that yes, that was part of it.  I told her, as I have before, but maybe not in this way, that when we got married, when you were born ten years ago, he was not the same guy he is today.  He really was loving and kind, it's just things changed, I really didn't want them too...I kept praying and hoping things would get better.  She jumped in, "because he started drinking so much?"  I said, yes, that was part of it, there was more too, but I can tell your more about that when you are older.  Really, he was really treating me badly and I didn't want you to grow up like that, you should be able to grow up with love, parents that treat each other well...as much as I never wanted you to have two homes, to have to spend time apart from each of us, things were getting really bad and I didn't ever want you to think a Daddy could treat a Mommy like that...I don't ever want a man to treat you like that when you grow up.  She was listening so intensely, taking everything in...she said, was it the stuff he was drinking that made him act like that?  Do you think, if they help him not drink that stuff anymore, that he won't treat you bad and well, maybe you guys could be back together?  I told her honestly, I will always have a place in my heart for Daddy, but I don't think that that will happen.  I pray with you and by myself for him to get help, I really do, as I want you to know the guy he was when we did get married, when we had you. 

I could tell she was really able to understand this finally, as she continued on saying, yah, my best friend's dad is really nice and he doesn't ever treat her mommy badly.  Then she commented on two other dads she knows and how they are really nice too.  From there I told her that was why I dated the man she met last summer, the man I was briefly engaged for the year before...that I was hoping one of them was a man that God wanted to bring into our lives, to love us, our family, so that she could be in a home with two grown ups that love each other and treat each other well too.  I explained that unfortunately, the more time I spent with each of them, I learned they weren't the right ones, but reminder her I still talk or text with both of them, that we are still friends, but it will take some extremely special to be the one that I marry if I do again.   I reminder her if that does happen, that Dad will still be her Dad, he would just be a bonus Dad...to which she jumped in with, oh I know, like a big brother or something.   Something like that.  I told her I am hoping God will bring him into my life soon, but for now, that doesn't matter.  Right now the most important thing is that I am there for you and your brother, that you know every day how much you are loved, cared about and that things will be okay.

She smiled again and asked if we could start reading a little of her new book I had got for her birthday, as she saw my eyes were about to start crying and was worried.  I said, yes, but reminder her that even if I did cry, that's okay.  That it really is okay to cry, that it just means we really care about something.

I was so proud of her.  So proud last night, during her sleep over birthday party, when her Dad had called wanting to talk to her...I really was nervous giving the phone to her, as she had came to use my bathroom, while her friends were doing make-up in the main one we have...I thought it this is going to happen, now is the best time if there was one.  I handed her the phone as she nervously said, "Dad?  Are you okay?  I love you and miss you so much Dad...."  I did everything humanly possible not to start crying as I listened to her, watched her well up with tears, practically shaking, as she said, "I want to give you a big hug too Dad"....after a few seconds more, she held up the phone away from her face a little and said, "Mom I don't know what to say to him."  I told her that's okay, that she could just reminder her we are praying for him and say goodbye, that your friends are waiting.  Which is what she did and hung up, really crying.  I reminder her, he's in the hospital to get help.  That I know he didn't sound very good, but he loves you so much and really wanted to wish you a happy birthday and I knew if you talked to him now, that your friends are out there, they won't care at all that you were/are crying.  It was so true.  She calmed down a bit, I gave her a big hug and we went back out to see them.  I just explained quickly to them that all the she had just talked to Dad quick, that she's just a bit sad, but she'll be okay.  From there, they surrounded her with love.  I left the family room, weld up with tears as I heard them reminder he he's getting help and he's going to be okay and soon asking her if they could do her nails or something.  I got to my room and shut the door and sat on my bed and cried, practically shaking, not knowing what to do.  A few minutes later I called him back, as I had barely spoke with him and thought she would have handed me the phone instead of hanging up on him.  I didn't know if it was a good idea, but I was hurting so much, hearing how he was hurting so much.  When I called back, I asked again if he was at the hospital, to which he said yes, that he was going home tomorrow (today) and that he'd be going to court and probably jail then on Monday.  The words were so slurred and so hard to understand, it sounded like he was crying too at the same time...I tried to ask when he'd start up at the treatment place his mom had spoke about this week when she had called me and he started to say he didn't know that he couldn't really talk as they gave him a sedative...I asked just now or awhile ago...he said in tears, after hanging up with our daughter that he couldn't take it, that they gave it to him then and barely coherent said he had to go.  I, crying the entire time we spoke hung up and crying so hard, so deeply it hurt so much inside that I could hardly breathe.  I was having such a hard time trying to catch my breath, to keep breathing, that I picked the phone back up and called one of my closest friends, who has been through all of this with me over the past 20 years.  She answered, heard me crying and listened as I explained how painful it was to watch Allie try and talk to him, to hear his original message he had left on my cell phone earlier in the party, where he could barely speak, saying he was still in the hospital, that he had ordered her gift to come to my house later this week and in full tears said he just wanted so much to wish his little girl a happy birthday.  How could I not be hurting, she reminded me this was a man I once loved, shared years of my life with and to hear him in so much pain.  But she also reminded me, he is where he needs to be, getting help, being watched over.  When I explained that it doesn't sound  like he's going from there to rehab, that he's going to jail still on Monday, she questioned too, is he just going to leave the hospital like that?  Just drive home and spend the night back at his place?  How can they let him do that?  I said, well, I know others said that detox is usually 72 hours tops, so I dont' understand why he is still at the hospital and no, that he doesn't have a license, but the hospital don't have any say as to if he just drives home.  She said too how sad it was that he was not going in for help and neither of us understood or know how he'll make it in the jail this week with his body going through such severe withdrawal.  I tried to figure out how to breath again, to come back to the reality that there were five ten year old girls giggling now out in the other room...at the point when my daughter opened the daughter of my room.

She looked at me and her face filled with fear as she asked, "Did he die?  Did Dad die?!"  No, no, honey, I just felt really sad about Daddy like you did and since you had your friends out there that cheered you up, I thought if I called my friend, she could help me.  She asked whatever she had came in to ask me quickly disappeared back to see her friends.  We soon got off the phone and somehow I was able to pull myself together.  I could totally understand where she thought that sadly, as listening to him, it really, really did not sound good.

Today, this afternoon, on my daughters birthday, the phone rang again. As I got there, it went to voice mail and when I saw who it was from, I was so, so glad it had.  I nervously listened to the message he had left and heard his shaky, slurred voice explain that he was just released from the hospital and was heading home.  That he was going to court and jail early tomorrow morning and wanted to know if he could please, (now in tears) please stop by and give his daughter a birthday hug.

I did everything I could to keep from balling, as my son was playing nearby and my daughter had just stepped into her room.  I nevously paced back to my room for something and then got the courage to go into hers and shut the door and tried to calmly explain to her that her Dad had just called and wanted to talk to her, to wish her a happy birthday.  "I don't want to talk to him.  We don't have to do we?  I said, no, I know how had it was for you to talk with him last night, it was for me too.  That, he got to say Happy Birthday then and if she didn't want to call back she didn't have to.   To which she said, "No mom and no please don't start crying again."  I told her it was okay if either if us cry, but no, I'm not going to right now and left.  I scurried around the house straightening up party messes as I couldn't sit down, I couldn't not let my ex-husband see or talk to his own daughter on her birthday...yet was reminded when my friend last night said that it would probably be best not to have the kids talk to him until he starts to make some progress, to get more help as it will only be hard on/hurt them to talk to him like that.  She didn't see how it could be good for the kids to have to deal with that.  I reminded myself this a couple more times and posted a message on Facebook to my friends someone stating and someone asking if I was making the right call not to call him back. 

As I end this post, I sit here with a purring new kitten of all of five months old we somehow rescued and added to our family yesterday morning on my arm.  As I have said before, I really am a dog person, but when we went to the pet store to look at the guinea pigs for my daughters birthday yesterday...the local humane society came in with this kitten among other animals, that my children could not take their eyes off of.  We left to run our other errands, picked up a few starter items from the kitten at Target and suddenly found ourselves adopting our new family member.  I can't remember the last time I saw both of my children filled with such joy.  Not just the time we spent there waiting while I filled out all the paper work and heard the wonderful news about the deal they had for Valentine's Day, only 15 dollars, almost half the of the guinea pig we had come to see, but the joy all weekend until bedtime tonight, that this silly little kitten has brought to both of my children.  Seeing so much love and joy, it was what we needed to get through this weekend, this week...not to mention as my sister pointed out after hearing the news..."Good idea going with the kitten, as the kids were so worried about missing the one they won't be seeing much for awhile at their Dad's."  Yes, the kitten had been around children and a dog before the paper work said...and yes both of our dogs had been around a cat before I moved out almost 4 years now...I know I am not a "cat person" but I am an animal lover and most importantly love my children so much that perhaps this is just the thing we all need to focus love and attention on while we are facing a rather challenging time in our life.