There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't because I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because if I thought I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love, and then you don't have it. What if you like it, and lean on it; what if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart. Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This, it could go on forever.
-Meredith Grey on Grey's Anatomy
Funny how as I listened along and typed the ending quote from last night's season finale, I would never have thought, in my entire life, that I would type the words I'd be happy alone. Alone was the exact opposite of where I wanted to be. I never wanted to be alone. I didn't like feeling alone. I found no joy in being alone. Why would anyone ever make a choice to be alone. I could not conceive, comprehend or any logic to go along with that statement.
Then life happened. Now, I sit here today, rereading the statement and completely understand. I still don't think we were meant to live alone on this planet. We are relational beings. We crave contact, to connect with others. We need others for support, comfort, to be there for us. To celebrate the good news and help us get through the bad. In addition, we need to feel apart of something, where we are valued, wanted, needed and loved. There is only so much self-talk one can do to pick themselves back up when they are down. We need other people to truly be okay in this life.
The idea of letting someone in. Completely trusting, having faith and confidence in them. Believing that they will always be there for you, always love you and never leave you. This concept, while it sounds like the making of a great story or movie, I don't see how I can believe in it right now. You can never be sure as to how something is going to work out. People change, or rather life changes and people react to change in ways that you don't always plan on, understand or want them too.
Trust. That's a challenge. Trusting yourself, your instincts, your gut, your own personal radar...I don't know how or why people do it anymore. How do you trust another person, knowing people are human, they error, they will mess up, they will make mistakes.
I too, have made and as a part of being human, will make mistakes again. How can someone love me when I am who I am. I misinterpret things, I hear apparently, what I want to hear at times or perhaps see things as I want to see them. How do I know when I am truly being honest with myself and others?
How does it work? Allowing someone back in. How do you find someone or rather how do they find you? I will not "shop" on match or any online site, or have my picture and profile read like a catalog ad. I am continuing on living my life. Making the most of what I have and trying not to notice any greener grass on the other side, as I know it's not. Everyone has problems they are dealing with. If it's not finding a person to share your life with, it's challenges in the relationship. If the relationship is going well, it's a job that is being lost, or someone has become ill. Life gives us challenges. Every single day there is something that changes, something we must deal with. How do we trust that things will be okay?
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