Good things come...

Good things come to those who believe, better things come to those who are patient and the best things come to those who don't give up.

Here I sit, a year older and one can only hope wiser, as I pick out a quote from my Creating Joy posts to share to reflect the past year of my life.  I am in a different house, but now it is feeling more like home. I have a new puppy and a new kitten in my life and each day appreciate the unconditional love they bring to my children as well as myself.  I have less in my bank account than ever before, but have a new appreciation that I could only feel if I lived the life I have lived this past year.  I have an uncertain future, but still have faith that things will continue to get better.

I am able to honestly say I am not the person I was a year ago, and would hardly recognize the person I was 6 years ago when the journey into Divorceland began.  I could never have imagined, and those who know me, know my vivid imagination, that my life would take all the twists and turns it has, but it is through these struggles that I have grown.  I no longer look for a man to complete me, to provide for our family, to determine my self-esteem...I don't ask others to help me make my decisions, but have confidence in myself, value who I have become am proud of how I am living my life as an example of not giving up to my children.

I have found the ability to self talk myself out of those "negative voices" that still pop up from my past and all though I can't always get them to go away on my own, I now have resources to go to, my journal, friends, exercise...to work through them.

I proved to myself yesterday, literally, that I am able to talk to parts of my past as my past and can separate that from who I am today.  Yesterday, as I knew was unavoidable in a smaller village, I faced my ex's neighbors, and former best friend.  The man and his now wife, who stood by his side during everything, who introduced him to the women he cheated on me with during our marriage, the man who drove up with my ex while we had exchanges of children for placement at the police station, the women who was, a few years was telling me the awful conditions at my old home where my kids would stay when with their father, yet not share this with police or lawyers to help me at the time.

I didn't shake, break out into a sweat, bring a friend for support, I arrived, and calmly spoke, as if we were simply parents with boys on the same flag football team.  As I mentioned, I have changed.  As my daughter had stayed home and my son was on the field playing most of the game, I knew it was inevitable for us to talk.  I knew, from speaking with my former next-door neighbors, that recently moved out of the old neighborhood, that they were no longer close with my ex and both were  convinced he was not well.  After hearing a week ago about a situation my ex was in back in July, which explained the jail time and Disorderly Conduct charge, I found out yesterday that it was indeed the reason why they were no longer speaking/friends.  As he was now threatening their life as he had done with mine in the past.  He had been on binges on and off since I last heard about him in February, has not worked and when had interviews set up, he got drunk that day and didn't attend them.  His old friend shared how he is almost twice the size he use to be in weight, that I would hardly recognize him and even when he is not drunk, he doesn't talk to you, it's like he's not there...they say he goes in spurts of taking his medicine and his mom calls them, across the street weekly to check in/on him as she lives in a different town.  His friend shared that he now realizes he never really knew who his best friend was and discovered his had lied about so much...even to the point when we were talking he shared that my ex smokes now and always swore to him that he'd never smoke, putting down him for it.  I looked at him funny and said he smoke for years, use to hide it from me in college, but would collect those 'Camel dollars' and get items for his dorm or apartment.  Once again his old friend and wife looked at each other in disbelief.  The two of them had said, the exact thing that I heard my ex's sister share back in December when she had called me, he can't live alone and separate from the drinking/drug use, he is just not mentally stable.  Trying to diagnose him from mental health classes she had been taking earning her nursing degree, she said she is convinced he has more than just bi-polar disorder, which I have been told before too...all I can say is once I got home with my son, made sure he had a snack/drink, I got my puppy (well, now 6 month old, but I'm still calling her a puppy) and went out for a good power walk to try and process all that was racing through my mind.  They had told me, based on the last few toxicology reports they have him dead in less than a year if he keeps up as he has been...how do you listen to someone tell you this about the man you use to love, who you spent over 15 years of your life with?  The father of your children...even if he hasn't acted like one for years now.  She had made the comment that he is almost like the man in the movie, "A Beautiful Mind", which I agreed, he was so smart, so intelligent when he used it the right way. 

I told the two of them I just pray for him as I don't know what else to do.  After hearing about the situation where he was shaking and sweating uncontrollably, walking into a neighbor's house uninvited asking for a drink...hearing the local stores and bars will no longer sell him alcohol, which explains why he was seen driving to the edge of the town I live in to purchase it...to hear his only friend his had left is no longer in his life.  What do you do?

I kept telling myself, he is no longer my problem, my worry, that I tried to save him and there is nothing more I can do but keep our kids safe, loved and pray that he finds a way out of this, yet I don't see how that can or will happen anymore.  I walk faster and focus on that furry face smiling up at me at the other end of the leash and try and refocus on where I am now and that I am no longer in that world.

The world I am in now is still in the hope, believe that things will get better and be grateful each day when they do.  We have our old house, that the day the bank called to say we will have to start the foreclosure process, I hear a third offer has come in (the last two both fell through far through the process)...and still has a closing date, is now next month instead of next week.  Until this is done I can't get the credit card companies to stop calling as I can't come up with a consolidation plan until the house is out of my name and I don't have to pay bill on it as well as here.  This will be one step closer to things getting better.

I have, in addition to my current full time job I enjoy at church, taken on tutoring as well as the start of a side business.  I have a few friends that have found great success with the Arbonne health and wellness home business. After doing much more research, I discovered I can start my own without having to keep inventory or invest any more than I already have by being a wholesale buyer for the last four years.  I began the last week and a half of August and already have found success, being in qualification for District Manager by the end of that month.  I am already half way to my goal for this month and it's only the 8th of September.  My parents, who those who know me, know how they are skeptical and over analyze everything, searched and researched and think this may actually be an option that may work to provide additional income for the kids and I.  I am taking the attitude that anything can help at this point, I am staying optimistic with the attitude that I will give it a year of my energy and see what happens.  I am learning already what a great personal growth company it is and I for one, could still use more of that.  I have already have two wonderful friends on my team and it appears to be growing this month as well.  I am excited to be able to put positive energy toward hope in something instead of fear towards the future.

I am also so proud of my children, as they adjusted so well to the start of Middle School and third grade.  Over the past week or so, I have received complements from a couple different people about how kind, happy, how wonderful they are, which when you are parenting on your own, sometime you have to wonder if you are really doing what's best...at least you know you are doing the best you can and hope for the best.

For the upcoming year, I am facing it with a different level of hope, patience and calm that I am still taking things day by day, but our "new" family (a new kitten entered our world last month as well...as the kid know a pair of any animal is my limit...so yes some day when finances are better as well as being out of the puppy phase a new puppy may pass our way too)...our new family and new home, with great supportive friends and parents that are 'learning' some forms of boundaries...we are ok and the year ahead will be okay.  I have faced many things this past year, I didn't know how I would get through, and while a little more slow to trust the future, I do have faith that things are going to be okay.  That things are okay and as my quote began, with time and patients things will continue to get better.

7/7 at 1:23

I have always loved the joy in funny number combinations. Friends know I so wanted my daughter to be born on 02/02/02 and that my favorite time is 12:34 with 11:11 coming in at a close second. As I kept looking over at the clock, unable to sleep in bed, I finally got up and started surfing online. Then, I posted "I hate it when my optimism gets lost and I can't sleep". That is the truth isn't it. When you are up late at night, things can look so gloomy. Your mind and replay conversations of the day, events of the past week and won't let you let them go. I guess that is why people journal, blog or both.

The main thing right now, is that I can't understand how I ended up where I am. As my sister flew home today, I realize I haven't flown anywhere since I went to visit her the spring before our divorce started, which was 2006. How does a person go from traveling to New York, Texas, Arizona, Florida and Texas again in less than four years no longer know when the day or if the day will ever come to be able to stay overnight in a hotel in Green Bay, let alone fly again. Where did the Green Bay comment come from you ask? Just me festering over a phone conversation with my parents from earlier this evening.

As my sister was in town this past week, my parents took her to the airport today and the kids and I spent the entire day around home. Which, after having a busier week, should be fine, but anyone who has a week with a relative they only see twice a year, a person who likes to have plans on the calendar and fun things to look forward too, well, they can't help it but feel a little down once the week is done. So, to try and cheer myself up, I started looking at fun ideas for my son and I to do in August as my daughter is going to be out of town with a friend for a week. I had mentioned to him about going to see the Green Bay Packers Stadium, as even though we has been there, he was probably about one and a half years, so he doesn't remember it. I started searching online this afternoon and discovered a family day is coming up, actually during the exact time my daughter would be gone and the tickets didn't cost too much. I didn't actually purchase them, but found where Ticketmaster would have seats if I did and had excitement back in my voice for the afternoon. Then, my parents called. They explained went on about how exhausted they were from having company and were trying to rest up and had asked what we had been up to today. When I brought up my great idea, they immediately popped my bubble of joy. They explained that if we went, where would we stay overnight when the game was done? I explained I already check and it was 3 hours 3 minutes according to my navigation device and I could just drive as my son sleeps, as I am a night owl. Well that was just ridiculous to them, as it would be unsafe, too exhausting and on...then the fact that the tickets were only $10, that I would have to spend money on gas, food at the game, that I am just not in a position to be spending money like that. They continued, why not wait until next year, when 'hopefully' you won't be in such dire conditions. Hopefully you can turn things around a little bit by then. They continued on that they knew just how I felt and how difficult it was not to have money when I was a child and my mom was a stay-at-home mom, how they would just by the cheeseburger at McDonalds and drink milk at home (if Dad reminds me of that story one more time I think I might lose it)...how they never had any money to do things so they were creative and made their own fun, like going on picnics in parks. Yes, well, I have heard that non-stop for the past how many years of my life now?

I explained that they couldn't know EXACTLY how I feel, as they had each other. Oh, well not exactly, but we had to live off of nothing for years and we were able to make it work...again, I pointed out that they had each other. My mom's response (did I mention that when my parents talk on the phone they BOTH have to be on a line at their house...ug)...my mom said, "Well, maybe someday you'll have enough money to spend $30 a month on Match.com like your sister is". Yah, that made me feel all better and made all my problems go away...thanks mom. (Typed with extreme sarcasm.)

Well, after internally fuming for quite awhile this evening, I came to the conclusion that I really don't have the money to stay overnight in a hotel in Green Bay right now and as much as I would like to be able to take my son to a fun day or two somewhere, reality is I just can't. One of the things my Dad said is true...if I can get my old house sold, not having to pay the insurance, utilities, etc. each month on it will help some. It was just frustrating too, when the letter for dance classes that my daughter really wants to take, came in the mail this week too and my daughter was talking about it around my parents and sister. They, of course, were pointing out that when I was a kid, they never were able to afford to send me to dance class, nor my sister....although we also brought up I never went to any camps, yet my sister went to two summers of College for Kids, two Tennis Camps, two Space Camp and one Space Academy Camp (which she received college credit for while she was still in high school...back then it very rare to hear of)....oh and I was reminded that she took some type of flying camp/class as she got to go up in a plane too...somewhere in Northern Wisconsin...but I digress....the point was, I should not even be considering any dance classes for her. When we were at the baseball game the evening before, and ran into our neighbors across the street, they were commenting on how well my daughter was dancing/cheering and asked if she has been in dance/takes dance classes. Funny they brought that up, as I explained I just got the registration information for it for the fall and it's looking like it will be too much. Right away, she said, well that's when grandparents come in handy! I looked at her, as I know she's only known me and my family for a few months and said, yah that's not going to happen. I didn't dare tell her a few weeks ago when we were living off of less than $20 for the week and barely had enough money for groceries....my parents knew this and said they thought it was a good lesson for me.

Yah, not sure what I did to "deserve" all these lessons in my life right now. I was thinking more about if I were to get another job somehow...any minimum wage hours would just be taken away in child care costs as my daughter, being old enough to stay home for awhile with my son, after a hour or two, that's about all they can take right now. I know my parents have 'said' they'd help, but I know they were SO exhausted just being around the kids this week...one of the days, they made it clear that we were not coming over. I liked it one day, when I was talking with my daughter about making some kind of art I could sell...her response around my family one time this week was that, "Mom just needs to start selling art work like Picasso and then we'll have plenty of money for bills and stuff!" If it was only that easy.

The other thing I keep reflecting on from this week of a bit too much time with family, apparently. Is that I don't understand how I want to do things, be active, go a walks, got to the beach or State Parks, it doesn't have to cost money, but to just have plans, get up and out of the house and do things. They all think I have 'issues', not understanding why I can't just sit around and watch TV and relax. Well yah, for a couple hours maybe, but then I feel guilty that I am not being productive. I am not sure now where that comes from as I look and see my parents exhausted from a two hour trip to the zoo, or just an evening with the kids over playing board games. Apparently doing more than one thing in a day was just out of the question. From just having my sister over this past week, their own daughter and not other guests, they are going to have to recouporate for all of it. I just don't see how I am related to them in that way. I also felt odd growing up just sitting around the house all weekend for so many weekends, I just hated it. Oh well, everyone different, or at least I sure am.

So the fact that the banks are still trying to decide on what offer they'll take, if they'll take one of them on my old place and the fact that I haven't started creating my Pablo Picasso masterpieces yet...lead us to have to make it through the rest of the summer close to home. Which is not a bad thing, it's just how and when my parents pointed it out. I don't have to spend money to have fun, to find things to do, but it does help a little.

  Going through a whirlwind of working as a teacher full time, with a spouse making good money...to being a full time stay at home mom with my spouse making REALLY good money, to divorceland.....still getting child support, but going back to work part-time, then full time as my son began Kindergarten. To not having support...how does one go from dining at Steakhouse that cost a ridiculous amount of money, to not having enough for all three of us to go to Culvers? It's just odd. When you can't sleep at night, it just doesn't make sense.

Yes, the kids and I are in a much better place emotionally no longer being married and having full placement o f the children. Yes, I have gained an entirely different perspective on money, shopping, life. As I told my friend out by her campfire on the 4th, it's amazing isn't it, how I am hardly the person I was five or seven years ago. As I was reflecting with her on all the big 4th of July kids parties I had through since my daughter was born up until the divorce. They always had such a great turn out and I loved planning them. She had been to almost all of them and said she had thought about me earlier that day, wondering how I was doing with all that. I really don't have a choice.

Life is what it is right now. I can't change what all has happened to me, I can only look forward. Easy to type or tell others, another thing to actually do. I know when I finally do get some sleep, things won't look so bad in the morning. Some of the many positive quotes I repost on Facebook will really sink in that I need to focus on the positive and take one day at a time. I know that, although I can try not to look back on the past, it's really hard not to some days. Knowing we had no troubles going to Door County or Green Bay for get a-ways not too long ago. That I use to sit up at night in a huge home, facing a State Park with an amazing view and not have to worry about which bills I was going to pay next, or what I will come up with for the kids and I to do the following week that will be fun, get us out of the house, but not cost any money. I would never have imagined I would be sitting her typing where I am at now back then. But I also know, I was not truly filled with joy. I knew my husband rather hang out in the garage drinking beer or rum with our neighbor, than spend time with me. I knew that I wasn't really appreciated or loved as I should have been. I knew I wanted my kids to have a dad that was around to spend time with them, not off working each night or at the local bar. I knew things weren't all okay, deep down I knew...but when you have all that money, you can paint a picture that things are much better than they were.

Now, what? I am not yawning yet, and although I have all those "find your true path" books from the library to figure out what 'job' I am suppose to be doing that makes all this money and somehow makes everything better as my parents think is out there...I know it's not. I know I'm doing the best I can and even though my sister my be a successful aerospace engineer, I am a successful mom and sometimes a successful friend/sister too. I know that I have been blessed with two amazing, healthy, smart, creative, kind children and that is my true purpose right now in life...to be the best parent I can be to them. Even if I am not the next Picasso, as my daughter hopes, hopefully something will work out with our finances and not "spending the money on Match", but when God thinks it's the right time, I will fall in love, real love where I am appreciated and loved back in the way I can give love to another....like a good friend of mine is discovering after her divorce a few years back. I have to remind myself to be patient, that God is not done with me yet...or at least I hope not.

11:59, I made it through Father's Day!

Two children asleep, two furry children hopefully settling down and Mom, breathing a sigh of relief that I made it through today.  Last night I could not fall asleep, could not rest my racing mind and apparently could not stop searching online for motivation quotes on Pinterest and I went a bit overboard I discovered today.  As I was hoping I could just hide under my covers all day and not deal with the fact it was Father's Day and my children do not currently have a father in their lives, I just wanted to fast forward to tomorrow and not have to worry about how they would deal with the emotions of the day, or my own emotions for that matter. 

As they tend to say, things always look better in the morning.  Especially when your children and even your puppy lets you sleep in a bit.  We had plans for a late lunch with my own parents and I awoke to my son saying, "Happy Grandfather's Day!  Or Happy Father's Day for Grandpa?..."  Yes, I am so into celebrating holidays, celebrating whatever we can in life, that we could not just ignore the fact that today was Father's Day (nor would the media let us ignore it either).  Amazingly the children didn't bring up their own Dad all day.  Although, being the person I am, I was on edge and ready to help out with anything that came up.  As some of you know, he lost all placement with the children mid-February this year, although he hadn't seen them prior to that since the July before (his own choice as he didn't want to have a supervisor during his visits as the court had ordered).  Since the court ruled full placement to me, back in February, we had not heard a thing, for the last four months...other that a few old neighbors commenting on an ambulance making a couple stops to my old place where he still lives.  Then, the last week of school for the kids, about two weeks ago, phone calls started coming in to my cell phone in the evening.  The first night, he had left a message saying he was a couple months sober now, trying to find work and really just wanted to talk to his kids.  The second call that evening, "I don't know what games you are playing..." and so on.  I check in with the Case Study Worker to see how it works legally about the kids speaking with him.  As I explained in my email, when he had been calling from the rehab center back in January, twice a week for awhile, he was making comments about seeing them and plans to see them as soon as he got out, which got my son's hopes up, only to have reality hit.  Not only did he stop calling, he legally wasn't allowed to do all the things he was promising.  SO, the Case Study worker explained that she didn't think we had mentioned phone calls in the order and thought I should use my best judgement as to what was best for the kids, also suggested to check with my lawyer for more help.  Which I did..forwarding the response and my original message right on to him.  I still haven't heard back.

The kids both made it through their last week of school...mixed emotions of wanting summer vacation to start, not wanted school to end as they would miss their friends and some of their teachers...change is hard, even when it involves a vacation around the corner.  Not to mention, both of my children are moving on to different schools in our district next year.  My daughter, hard as it is to believe, will be entering Middle School and my son the "Intermediate" Center.  They both had wonderful report cards and made it through the week.  Surprisingly, no class from their Dad that Friday night, as I had been guessing.  It was the following Monday, fortunately, after I had spoken with both of my children separately, explaining that their Dad had called and wondering if they wanted to speak with him, with the understanding, no matter what he says, they won't be able to see him for awhile still.  My son's response was no, that it's too hard to talk to daddy if I don't get to ever see him, it just upsets me.  He went on to explain, it's like with my Aunt (who's in Texas), I don't want to talk to her because it makes me too sad that I can't see her and I miss her.  He had a point, as he rarely speaks with her on the phone.  So, onto my discussion with my daughter.  She had a different response, wanting to talk to him, saying and I quote, "Yah, I'm mature and stuff mom, I know even if he says we will, we won't be seeing him"  I had just missed his call and heard on the message he had left that his brother and his wife had their baby that day and he just wanted the kids to know...I didn't even listen to the rest, as my daughter was right there ready for me to call him back.  She spoke for a bit, pretty much explaining about the rides she had went on at the local fair in town on the last day of school, saying how awesome her report card was, that she was a middle schooler now, telling him all about our new puppy we had got since they had last spoke and making sure her cat at his place was still alive.  From what I heard, all he said was that, yes he still had the house but he didn't know how much longer and he was still trying to find a job.  He wanted to talk to my son, but as he himself could hear on the speaker phone, my son kept saying no I don't want to.  Finally he said okay, quickly, as he was also trying to play on the computer.  He answered a couple quick questions and gave the phone back to his sister.  That was about it and almost a week later now, no other calls have occurred.  Being Father's Day today, I didn't know.  But since the kids didn't say I thing, I did not either.

On top of the lovely stress of their dad's phone calls, the last week of school, their was also the lovely issue of the bank account, or the fact that their was no longer any money in it.  As we faced the first weekend of summer I had a little over twenty dollars cash to my name and knew pay day was not until Friday.  Yes, we spent a week, for the first time ever I think, not leaving the town we live in as my gas tank was just a line or two above empty and with gas prices about 4.00 a gallon, our money wasn't going to get us very far.  Not to mention we need food to get us through the week too.  I had mis-budgeted, payed a couple bills I shouldn't have and ran out of money.  With no credit cards as back up anymore, we just "hung in there".  We did pretty well the first couple days, going to the local free lake/park with friends instead of buying our annual pool pass for the town pool...we ate all our meals at home all week, and survived not having much variety.  We even started playing more card and board games that we hadn't for awhile.  I hadn't told the kids how little we had, just that money was tight until my paycheck came at the end of the week.  It's amazing how easily you really can adapt if you need too.  We spend $12 on gas, the rest on food and all I could say it that I have never been so excited to be able to gas up my minivan as I was Friday morning! 

Trying to stay positive through this past week, I had been reading a book, "Start: Punching Fear in the Face..." which focused on taking control of your fears, worries and making your life an awesome one.  As much as I enjoyed it, I also found myself putting extra pressure on myself, as to what I am suppose to create, make, sell, market, what awesome thing I should be doing on the side, during the summer, during my spare time to create my own business to support us and getting out of these rough times.

I did accomplish one of the goals, I began a new, more positive blog, as I had hoped this blog would be a motivational blog for other when I had started it, but instead found it to be a place to pour out my soul in words and hope that it will somehow make me feel a little better, or at least a little more human instead of keeping all my feelings in.

My new, separate blog, which I started on day 1 of the second half or this year and am currently on track, day 16, finding and typing about a joy in each day.  My goal in the new Facebook page I created, "Creating Joy" is to help others find or create joy in their own lives. Then, I began a more local closed group on Facebook, for those I know though church, children or otherwise, can get together once a month to "Create Joy" together doing something fun, just for the joy of it...this month we are going to tour a local Winery.  Next month, a concert in the city.  Along with this my goal was to accompany this once a month fun event, with a "Laughter and Lattes" or drink of your choice, social and/or Bible Study time where women can get together and help each other find joy in the crazy chaos of our own lives.  We had our first event in May and were suppose to have our second one last week, but without the money to gas up my minivan to get me to town, or buy my latte for that matter, or pay my daughter to babysit my son...well, I didn't explain why sadly, but canceled and apologized.  I felt trapped as I didn't want to share our situation at the time.

SO, onto tomorrow, literally, in five minutes.  I have made it through another challenging holiday as a single mom with no dad currently in the picture.  I am onto more research as to what it is I am suppose to do next, continue my blog, taking care of my children (furry and real...on that note, our puppy turns four months on Wednesday and graduated from her puppy class on Saturday!)....this week carting them to the rec. departments cheer leading, gymnastics, coach pitch for my son and our church's basketball camp.  Never a dull moment here...but then again, I wouldn't want it any other way.  I am blessed to have them in my life and to have the work schedule to be able to spend the summer months with them.

Oh, if you want to read my additional blog, the link is...http://joydaybyday.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-16-my-son-and-his-grandparents-joy.html?spref=fb

Doing the best I can...making progress in the tunnel

We do our very best, but sometimes it's just not good enough; we buckle our seat belts, we wear our helmets, we stick to the lighted paths; we try and be safe, we try so hard to protect ourselves, but it doesn't make a bit of difference, because when the bad things come, they come out of nowhere; the bad things come suddenly, with no warning, but we forget that sometimes, that's how the good thing come too.
-Meredith Grey, character on Grey's Anatomy

Why tonight?  Why after over two months of episodes, of Thursday nights to type, to update, what sparked me to log back in?

We can't protect ourselves, it's true, it doesn't make a bit of difference.  We can be the best of the planners out there, the safest of choice makers and when it all comes down to it, bad things just happen.  Our marriage is gone, our sense of reality is shifted, we lose our pets to death, our home, our child support, again, over and over we are reminded we are not in control, we can't stop bad things from happening. 

What can we do when we here the accepted offer just fell through, when we look at all the bills and say there just is not enough to go around, when we hear the ambulance has been to our old home twice in the last couple months is breathe, pray and wait. 

A part of me wanted to wait until I was all moved in, until the new puppy was a part of our family, when the old home was sold and I was regaining some control of my finances to blog again.  Once again, I am reminded I do not hold the remote controller for in my life.  Apparently I have some say as to what show, but not what will happen on them.

Our home, it really does feel like our home now.  The kids love it and say they don't want to move again.  It is built more solid, the rain sounds beautiful outside, but the winds don't hollow through as they did in our last home.  The neighborhood is wonderful, welcoming and so full of kindness.  We have been blessed in so many ways. 

I made the mistake of taking on more than I should have, moving most of our belongings myself...thinking I was invincible when really, I was reminded I am human and the human body can only take so much.  I didn't break...but I don't bend/life/lug day after day like I use to.

Within a week from moving in, I looked back to a website in which I had been in contact with before the move, about a litter of puppies that would be born right around the time we were moving.  I needed something positive to focus on throughout the move filled with so many unknowns.  I discovered the puppies had been born, that there were a few still for sale and that I was going to be able to work out a payment plan and felt life was falling into place.  We so needed those pictures, updating the progress of our puppies growth; that trip to visit and pick out the female from the litter that would later become a member of our family, as we had no other plans the week of spring break...we had hope, excitement, something to look forward too.  Being the planner I am, reread everything I could get my hands on, about puppies, training, the breed choice for families with children.  Even though I went through this over 13 years ago, with children in our home this time, and with what we went through with our last dog we rescued, I was not going to mess this up!

Sure enough, ironically, on my sister's birthday, it was time for the puppies to be separated from their litter and brought home.  What happened the week prior, was yet another "why do these things happen to me" story...but to keep in brief, I discovered the breeder had a shady past, but at this point, our puppy was already so loved by the kids and I, how could we not get her?   I didn't feel safe with a payment plan anymore and decided, the best choice was to go and sell my wedding ring.  In three days from tonight as I type, it will officially be 5 years since our divorce was finalized.  I kept the ring, thinking for some reason I needed too; for the kids someday...but realized it wasn't doing much good locked away.  This puppy, this new member of our family would do so much more, bring so much more love and hope to our home.  It was an odd feeling to walk out of a jewelry store with a check that size, but for an AKC pure bread Golden, they are worth quite a bit of gold. 

A friend volunteered to go with me, about an hour away, to pick up our new puppy and just to be on the safe side with all we had read/discovered about the women who bred her, as well as to drive me back home so my new baby could cuddle up on my lap and that is just what she did.  It was like holding a little piece of heaven. The kids were beaming too, all day, weekend, it's all any of us could talk about.  That, and well, soon the lack of sleep I was getting.  The first week when we went in for a puppy wellness check-up and I explained that I had been up ever hour and fifteen minutes, like clock-work, with my little puppy having diarrhea, they assumed it was the organic/all natural food she was being feed, so I tried the next week to chance her over to another brand that vet had requested I try.  No improvement and with such little sleep, not much for patience left either.  It was when the vet said to switch to cooking her chicken and rice, when things got a little better....and I also heard via email from two others who had purchased litter mates...both having great challenges, one of which I discovered tonight back on the breeder's website for sale as he was returned back to the breeder.  The other had the same issues my puppy was and when going back on puppy food didn't work, the vet had us come back in.  They gave her some antibiotics and vet prescribed puppy food for intestinal troubles and it finally worked!  She has been making it through the night for a week now, and boy what a difference a full night of sleep makes! 

Another perk that came with bringing home our new puppy, was the walks I have been going on with her.  The combination of meeting others in the neighborhood, bringing smiles to people walking or driving past us, not to mention how good it feels to get some fresh air and exercise each day, sometimes twice a day!  My favorite, is after dinner, when often I just need that 20 minute break from being "on" as a mom...to take my cell phone and not travel too far from home in case the kids need me back...and to have that literal breath of fresh air to get me through the rest of the night.  I love my kids dearly, but when you are a month from the start of summer vacation, when you are siblings ages 11 and 8, they are great at fighting/driving each other crazy and in the process, make mom wonder what she's doing wrong as a parent!!!

I am fortunate enough to have co workers with siblings at home, who remind me my home is no different from theirs...brothers and sisters, or sisters for that matter, can be the best of friends or worst of enemies all in the same night.  Add to that a puppy and an exhausted mom...not always a great cocktail!

So last week, just as we finally go back to the vet, I get the email that the accepted offer on the house no longer is going through.  Here I was fending off the calls from credit card companies, explaining I would know more about my financial picture soon...nope, not going to happen, not yet at least.  So much for paying the last electricity/plumbing bill, home owners insurance bill or whatever else comes forwarded to my new address...hopefully sooner than later, because let me tell you, if you haven't had to deal with not being able to pay all of your bills, thank God and count your blessings!

The mortgage company did have a hardship program of some sort that is working with me for so many months, but that too will come to an end...hopefully it will be sold before then...

Tonight's episode on Grey's, the theory that we can't control or stop bad things from happening, I could so relate too...I could easily stay up all night writing about...but it was that second part...that last comment that good thing come out of nowhere too...that is what got me.

A newly wed couple who volunteer at the mid-week ministry program I direct, tonight commented how I just have to use the pastor they did when I get married again...I laughed, joked that I don't see how that is going to happen...and they just continued on saying again, reassuringly, that it will happen and when it does...

Over the past year I've had, the past five years since my divorce was finalized, I can't even put into words how my perspective on life has changed, then changed again and jolted in so many different directions.  I would never, ever have dreamed, imagined all that has happened, but can just point out how blessed I am.  I am still alive.  I have two amazingly healthy, happy children.  I now have a puppy and cat (well my daughter a hamster and fish too, but those survive somehow behind a closed bedroom door)...I have a new neighborhood, an amazing community of friends, support, and a job where I am also surrounded by support.  As I explained to a different volunteer tonight, that I created a page on Facebook, 'Creating Joy' as that is what I want to do in the lives of others (some days I need to work on it a little harder in my own).  I want to help others, among their challenges, under their grey clouds that don't seem to lift, I was to show them the light...it's often dim and hard to see, but it's out there.

I want to remind others that those bad days, weeks, months, they will pass and there is hope...there is ALWAYS hope...where we have the strength to admit it or not.

I am not out of the tunnel yet, I have plenty of unknowns surrounding me...yet I guess I have found the journey can be enjoyable even when we don't know where the road map is taking us next.  As the quotes that gets re posted to often on Facebook says, it's not where you are going, it's who you have alongside you for the journey that count".

Yes, I buckle my seat belt, I still try and protect my children, our home and future...but truly, I have learned what it all comes down to is the word on the plaque I look at each night, gifted by a friend as our first house warming gift...."Believe".

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow, I will sign a contract to put my house on the market.  A week from tomorrow my kids, five year old and hopefully stronger, our one year old cat and new hamster will move out of our house of hope.  I remember five years ago writing about a journal entry about a pillow of hope...for a fresh start.  A new home to start my post-divorce life, for a better future.  Five years later, two dogs, well sadly three dogs no longer with us, and hope, well I am really fighting to find any lately. 

Monday morning, I am scheduled to go in front of the judge, who finalized our divorce in May of 2008.  We sat before her in September?  October was it?  At that time, she scheduled this date to finalize placement.  I have not heard back from my lawyer, as I called two days ago and he is not in the office tomorrow, so my stress level right now is not so good not knowing what is going on for Monday morning.

As I was scrolling back through my Facebook posts, trying to remember the last time I blogged, as I always post a link on my page, I could not believe all that has happened since the week before Christmas.  So many pictures, updates, inspirational quotes...one stood out in my mind as I stared at the blank white blog page tonight..."2013, it WILL be better"

Hmmm, how do we define better?   Weekly calls, for awhile, from my ex to our kids from a rehab facility that he wanted us to join in on family days with.  My son thinking, from what was said on the phone, that they'd be going snow shoeing, playing lazer tag and returning to life with Dad as it use to be by the way he was talking to him.  Later, upset/crying because he couldn't remember what Daddy's face looks like. (Of course I found a picture of him five years ago and showed him what I had.)  When I mentioned to my daughter, that I felt bad that their dad was making comments/promises about doing things with them soon as I knew that he wasn't really going to be able to do that, she responded quite securely, "Mom, oh I know he won't."  Strong, but sad.

Then my email is hacked into and all my past messages, saved information, it's all gone...not to mention my lab top itself dying for good a few weeks later.  Have we made it through January yet?  No, I think we also have the issues with our puppy who had turned one...but also becoming more and more destructive...tearing up carpet, ruining drapes and the list goes on.  After my son was bit on the face, we looked into options as my children begged to no return her to the rescue we got her from and decided to go through training...twice after she bit him again...the last time creating holes in his hand and drawing blood.  After a doctor's visit, medicine, bandages and many rounds of tears from all three of us, our puppy left our home.  I held it together so well as the kids broke down over and over....myself, it was driving to take her away for the last time.  I had no idea how awful I would feel, yet was at a point where I had no choice.  I need to keep my children safe, as well as others that come over and as much as I did not want to part with her, she really needed a home without children.  There is more to the day of dropping her off, but right now, I just don't want to relive it. 

For the week after, my son broke down crying every day, multiple times, as he would say, "Mom, I wish she had never bit me!  Mom, I don't know what to do, I've never NOT had a dog in our home!"  He was right, as was my daughter that first overly silent night, when she came out of her room crying..."Mom, I've never been alive and not had a pet dog...you know we had Sadie when I was born, then was got Jake, when Jake died, we still had Sadie to hug and after she died, we had Ginger...now we don't have anyone and I don't know what to do."  I realized in different ways each day how much I missed having a dog around too and kept explaining we WILL have another dog or puppy, we just have to make sure it's good with children and our cat.  So my searching began...

The past few nights, pretty much since last Friday, when my parent closed on the home we will be moving into and renting from my parents, my stress level has escalated big time...the one thing that would settle me down each night was researching our new family member/dog and knowing there was hope amongst everything else.  Looking through rescue sites, breeders, contacting quite a few and narrowing things down to the ones we were going to get, tonight just did me in.

Last Friday, the kids saw the inside of the home we will be moving into for the first time.  My mom had taken pictures that the kids had seen, we had driven past, but they had not been inside.  My son, now 8, was only three when we moved into our current home and I quickly discovered thinks of this as his only home he's/we've had.  As we went in and walked around for the first time, my daughter was very excited, regardless of all the work that needed to be done this past week and next week before we could move in.  My son on the other hand melted into tears, "I'm not EVER moving into this place, this will NOT be our home and we are NOT EVER going to walk into this house again!"  My dad was convinced he was running away as he slammed the door into the garage...I, trying to hold it all together, knew he needed space.  Space to vent, to be mad...I didn't blame him, I have always hated change too and with the loss of our puppy, his hand and not to mention getting glass all in the past week or two, it was too much for me let alone an 8 year old boy.  Sure enough he was sulking in the minivan and after two days, came around a bit.  I explained that the house was kind of like those TV shows, where this is the before, but after painting, getting new windows, etc. it will look so cool after, when it's time for us to move in.  We've talked A LOT and went over to see progress each day and luckily he's doing much better.  Only I'm not sure mom is.

This afternoon, I came home early to help out as they are behind in painting and some other projects and my parents are both low on sleep, stressed out and I feel I have to do something to help.  Well, being there didn't feel like much help, but it sure did stress me out.  I was glad to have to go home when my kids got off the bus and head to our traditional heart shaped pizza dinner for Valentine's Day.  Tired, ready to go home and look through Valentine's, the kids wanted to stop over and see the new painting, front door, etc today.  They were excited to see things, but when I mentioned I had called the phone number in the paper my dad suggested about an inexpensive Golden Puppy for sale, things blew up in my face quickly. 

Reflecting over thing later at home here, I don't think it was the fact they want all of my tax refund to go toward lawyer bills I owe them that bugged me the most, the fact that they said we can't afford a dog or puppy right now...it was the way they crush my little bit of hope that was left.  My joy in looking forward to having a puppy to love again, a dog that will be there when I come home to an empty house or curl up with me once the kids are in bed to cuddle with and remind me with those eyes, that I am loved, unconditionally.  After having a dog in my life for over 14 years now, the past two weeks have seemed so lonely. 

I mentioned at work last week, either I need to find a dog or a man!  The companionship or lack there of, just can't be explained or understood by my parents, who have never had or know the love a dog can bring into your day.  It wasn't just the fact that I'm 38 years old and being told once again, "No, you can't have a dog."  Okay, a little bit was that....a lot of it was the fact that my hope in our dog, in our future just dimmed with each word they said thereafter.  "You can't afford a dog and won't be able to afford taking care of one.  We don't know how you are going to even pay your bills along with our rent after you move in.  We don't have any more money to give you; we are already maxed out with buying this house and everything keeps costing more that it should.  If you have extra money it should be going toward the water softener, the painter, the windows....Knowing I was about to break into tears, knowing my daughter and possible son was in earshot hearing my parents explain I had nothing and saying we could not get a dog anytime soon...I felt so belittled, so awful that I barely held back my tears as I sarcastically said "well, Happy Valentine's Day then!" and got the kids ready to go. 

I realize, as the one worker said two days ago, you are a very lucky to have your parents doing all of this for you.  Yes, I heard it from my Aunt, calling about my daughter's birthday earlier this week, "Your parents really came through for you didn't they."  Yes, I, once again, need to be indebted to my parents, as I was to be when they loaned me all the money for the divorce five/six years ago.  I will never be able to pay them back that 100,000 and I realize as they so clearly explained again tonight, I have no money, I will have no money anytime in the near future....if it wasn't for them....I have heard it so many times that it's hard to be grateful when it feels like you should feel guilty. 

I made it home with the kids and soon after something little made me start crying, so hard and I couldn't stop enough to not be crying when I finally left my bathroom and faced my kids.  I explained that I just felt so bad that we can't get a dog/puppy right now and I feel awful that I can't tell them when in the future we can.  My daughter was fine with it and my son seemed to be okay, just wanted me to be happy again and hug me.  I wish his hugs could fix it all....not knowing what will happen in the court on Monday, not knowing if we'll get everything done on the house and everything moved out in time next week, not knowing if I'll ever get child support again, not knowing when we'll ever get a dog again, not knowing if I'll ever have a Valentine (besides my sweet son) on Valentine's Day again...it's just hard to view this move as a positive or good thing.  It is a sign that we couldn't make it...that my hope in starting over, getting married again or at least be in a relationship again...so many hopes I had when we moved in have faded so far away. 

I am blessed to have my children full time now, as exhausting as it can be some days, I am grateful everyday for that.  I should be grateful that we have a home to move into/or will by next Friday...but knowing that more challenges are ahead...Monday in court, selling this home or foreclosing on it...dealing with the rest of my debt...holding it all together while dealing with it all for the kids sake...missing my Jake, my dog who would always rest his chin on me the moment I was about to cry, before it had begun, showing me he at least, was there for me....it's just not the same. 

I realize I have to face reality.  I emailed my mom back, thanking her and dad again for all their work today again and explaining that I talked to the kids about the fact we can't get a dog yet...that we just can't afford one right now.  Her response just upset me more.  Stating again that she knew I want a dog, but I just don't have the money and if I don't start getting child support, I won't.  She went on to explain that if the kids and I started saving up money in a jar for a dog someday, that each time they want a toy, or to go out to eat, or to buy a donut (yes she said that as apparently buying heart donuts for the kid's Valentine's breakfast was overspending where I didn't need to in  her eyes...sigh)...then someday we could get a dog again.  The email continued on saying that she was concerned that Monday wouldn't be the end and her concern that there will be more issues in court with placement (NOT what I want to hear/read/or think about now!!!)...then listing off all the things I can do when I get done with work at noon tomorrow and go over to help them.

Yep, Happy Valentine's Day to you too Mom (sarcastic tone implied).

Sorry, if I am coming off selfish, or spoiled, I apologize now.  It's not that I'm not grateful to be able to have a place to call home...it's just that being told what I can and can't do at this age...it's not easy.

I am sure the home will turn out nice, but I'm not looking forward to moving, I'm not looking forward to court on Monday, I'm not looking forward to meeting with banks, I'm not looking forward to much right now.  I suppose I should be grateful I survived Valentine's Day, alone, without a Valentine or any hope of one in the near future...I was just looking so forward to 2013 begin so much better than last year...and as of it, it's been equally as challenging...

To end, on not quite as depressing of a note, a quote I 'reposted' tonight...

"Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.”
–Muhammad Ali

So...when does the 'rest of your life' begin?

The weeks before Christmas...and hope for 2013

Earlier this evening, I posted to a friend that so much has happened the past few weeks, aside from Christmas, I suppose it is really time to blog again.  Clicking on the new post button got me thinking, where do I begin this time?  Last week, no really I should go back to the week before as I usually explain things chronologically...the most important thing before I explain any of it is that right now both of my amazing children are asleep out near the Christmas tree lights, safe, healthy and doing well.  They have no clue of all that I'm about to type, other than I had lost my voice, energy and most of my patience the few days before Christmas, otherwise, amazingly, the rest of their world stayed the same.

A week ago Tuesday, I suppose it was a week to the day, before Christmas, I had went in to teach, but barely had a voice and was feeling lousy after catching some strain of the fever/cough/virus that my daughter had came home from school sick with the week prior.  I received an email the day before, from my former mother-in-law, stating that things had been very hectic but they had got my ex into an impatient facility and that she'd be mailing a Christmas gift to the grand kids (also that she'd be out of town the week of Christmas).  Tuesday evening then, I received a phone call (the next night) from my former sister-in-law, that began along the lines of, "I need to let you know what is going on as I couldn't live with myself if something happened and I hadn't warned you."

From there she explained that I needed to know my ex has been an extreme "Prepper" (I believe that was the term) and that he plans to come and take the kids before Friday to his 'bunker in the basement' to keep them safe.  Keeping in mind he does not have any legal right to have them at this point, I listened concerned as she explained.  She said that he is so far over the edge that when mom took him into the hospital (apparently he needed to go in and get his alcohol level checked before admitting him) that he went in wearing head to toe camo and a skeleton mask.  Sadly, his mom had pointed out that his blood alcohol level was only .30 to which my former sister-in-law questioned, you mean .03, no, .30.  His mom thought this was an improvement over last time.  Apparently he was going on about harming a pet from back 20 years ago that his sister had so they did a CAT scan and MRI which she didn't know the results of but was hoping they sent along to the treatment center he was going to.  She said it was over towards Milwaukee and that the only way he would agree to go, was if it was a center he could check himself out of at any time.  Hearing this made me even more concerned. Then she explained that apparently she is now on his "list", number five to be exact and that if he did check himself out last week, she was convinced she was going to get a restraining order to keep him away from her and her family.  I explained they are not that easy to obtain as it took quite a bit for me to get one the first time and that I currently do not have one right now.  She went on his mother, some guy she doesn't know and then she are the top three power of attorneys for him and that she can't imagine that he'll ever be able to live on his own again, that her mom isn't going to take him in and is not sure where that will leave him then.  She explained again that her mom is siding with him and thinks she is just angry and needs to seek help, that she is the one with the problem, to which I reminded her that is because she is too close to him to want to see the truth.  She said she'd call me if she had heard from her mom that he did check himself out, but to just be careful as she doesn't know what he's going to do.

So, I somehow found a way to get off the phone, appear ok to my children, especially my son who has now checked on me in my bathroom with the door shut multiple times, as it's the only place in my house I can talk without him hearing...and explain that it was their Aunt and that their dad is having some troubles again and is hopefully getting help now.  My daughter looks me right in the eyes and asks, "Mom, is he dead" to which, luckily this time, I could honestly say back no.  I then had to convince my overtired son that he could wait to turn in his homework that I hadn't been able to help with a day late and I would email his teacher that something came up and we just couldn't get it done...although he was in tears of course thinking it was the end of the world.

That night I emailed a couple close friends what was going on as well as my parents, to which all were concerned if we should be staying at our house knowing all of this.  I forwarded the message both to two police I have worked with in town and the one in charge in the town my ex lives in to which I did get a message back from him.  He said he'd call in the morning and that we need to get right on this.  I couldn't think of sleeping and finally messaged a good friend who's husband is a sheriff in Madison who was agreed with others who had already offered a place to stay, not to keep the kids at home that night.  So I packed up clothes and school stuff for the next day and finally at about 11 PM woke the kids explaining that Grandma and Grandpa were concerned about my cough being so bad...that if I had to go in to the doctor in the night, they could take care of them and get them to school...so we spent the night (for the first time together) at Mom and Dad's in town.  That next morning, my Dad took my son in to his school while I dropped off my daughter and waited until she was well inside before going into the office myself to notify the school counselor of my concerns.  I explained to him, also, that the office does have a copy of the legal placement right now and that he is not to go with him, but with all that happened in the news out East, with not knowing what drugs he's been taking, with no job, etc...he's not in a good place and I was just extra concerned that he'd come and take them from school if he was going to get them.  I continued, with little to no voice left, over to my son's school and after awkwardly introducing myself to their new counselor explained things to her too. 

After this I was headed to the police station as I had already called and knew an officer I've worked with before we starting their shift soon, but first, on top of everything else, had to stop over at the house that was being inspected, as my kids and I will be moving in February...still in town, but to a small, less expensive place..I'll get back on that one...so I make it to the police station sounding just awful at this point, again explaining everything.  They no longer use the varda? system that I had in my house when I first moved and he was threatening to take my life, but instead had tracking system of some sorts for my cell phone.  With the blizzard on the way, they weren't as concerned for the school/kids the next day but more over the evening ahead.  We went through things and I had to run into town to pick up a few things before the storm and told them I'd be back or call before the school day was over and let them know what I decided.  Little did I know I'd be back five minutes later.  As I was a couple blocks away a restricted call came in, which I assumed was the police station.  I answered it to find out it was a social service worker of some sorts call on behalf of the medical institute my ex was in.  I was taken back as I thought she had said a hospital and asked if he was still alive, so which she questioned me oddly why wouldn't he be?  I explained he had made threats before and I knew he wasn't doing well.  She said she was calling as she was legally required to let me know that he is convinced the world is ending on Friday (last week) and he plans to come and take the kids.  I said yes, I had heard, to which she again was taken back and wondered how I'd possibly know that, to which I explained his sister had called me the night before concerned...to which she continued on explaining that they were going to be transporting him to a longer-term care center, but legally it was her job to warn me about this.  I was so overwhelm at this point, not taking in everything clearly, I asked if she'd stay on the line while I drove back to the police station to explain this...which she explained she would not speak with any police...but at least she explained a few things again so I could write a few notes down once I was parked.  I then went back in and they were hoping that it was a secured facility now, which would put everyone a little more at ease. 

I left again for town and called my former sister-in-law on her cell at her work, as I explained to her, I thought she would appreciate knowing, as I had appreciated her update the night before. This time, perhaps being the next day, or her being at work, she didn't seem as concerned, more that he'd just come get the kids, not that he's going to hurt me or anything, but I no longer knew what to think.

I made it home and went along with the idea the police had not to mess up the children's routine, so I had them ride the bus, and fortunately they arrived safely.  That evening, once they were finally asleep, as school was already cancelled due to the blizzard on the way, I finally got on the computer and did some more research on this place he was at.  From the looks of it, he could get out on his own at any time so I finally called this information number to find out more.  Sure enough, when I called, the man I spoke with said he could not confirm or deny that my ex was staying there, but could leave a message and if he was and if he wanted to could call me back...I then explained about the call earlier in the day from the center that delivered him, also explaining that he legally can not have the kids at this point and was concerned for their safety.  He did explain to me that they do not have bars or anything to keep their residents in and they are able to check themselves out at any time.  To which I was a bit nervous again....sending that information along to a few people as well.  To all of that, I finally prayed and went to sleep with each child in my bed.

We woke up to a blizzard and as the day went on, a bit of relief for me as the awful weather was being described all over southern Wisconsin.  At this point if he hadn't got here, hopefully he wouldn't be.  The next morning, when the world did NOT come to an end, a little bigger sigh of relief that he no longer would be coming for that reason.  We continued on with life, looking forward to my own sister's plane arriving (hopefully) that evening and were blessed by a visitor stopping by.  A friend had called asking if they could drop something off...silly me thinking Christmas cookies or a Christmas card or something, here it was both her and her husband letting me know that I was picked by her husband through his work, to receive a gift on behalf of an anonymous man who donates Christmas money to those in need each year.  I thanked them both from a distance (not hugging as not wanting to pass on my 'toxic germs' as my daughter was calling them) and after they left opened the card and the generous gift of cash, with a note to use the money to enjoy the holidays with my children.  Or something to that extent...I have it and will keep it for many years to come.  Along with the note, I have another letter I will keep for years to come too....as I arrived at the end of the week prior from a local radio station.  Yes, the week before this week occurred, I received a phone call from another friend during my work day, honestly, the way she had emailed me asking if we could speak during my work hours, I was concerned something was wrong with her family...here, when she called and asked how I was doing, I started saying, well okay, considering it looks like I'll be losing my house now...here she then said she had two friends on the line that wanted to talk to me...it was a local radio station letting me know I was chosen to receive their holiday prize...here, she had sent in a wonderful letter about me and the situation not being good with my ex and how she had received help from this same contest years ago and wanted to pay the gift forward to me this year...sure enough, not only did I receive a copy of the letter, but a large check to make sure my kids had gifts this Christmas as well as a gift card to a local store for food too.  I was speechless and less the was the week before I lost my voice.

On top of all this, Christmas Eve, one of my closest friends, who has been there for over 20 years with me now, through all of this, gave me a card at church before my daughter sang and played chimes during the prelude.  I knew better than to open it then, but after the kids were finally in bed Christmas Eve, and the old black and white version of "It's A Wonderful Life" played on TV in the background, I opened the card, to find it was not just from her but from other who care so much about me, again with money and a gift card.  At that point, what else could I do but start crying.

Christmas morning came, as did our celebration at my parents with the relatives from out of town...so nice to see them all, yet things have been so surreal lately, it was hard to make sense of everything, to be in the true Christmas spirit and mindset.  Before I knew it, they were hugging goodbye and traveling home and I went to look at my phone and discovered I had missed a call from a number I didn't know.  I listened to the voice mail to hear my ex...very sad and humble sounding, explaining that he just wanted to wish his kids a Merry Christmas, that I suppose you've told them their dad doesn't want to talk to them, but I...he was then crying again saying he just wanted too.."  I called back right away, still out of the room from my kids/family and as the women said just a moment she'd find him, he no sooner answered and I began explaining that we were at my parents and that all the relatives were just leaving and I hadn't heard my phone.  He seemed so relieved I had called and began saying, "I'm doing the right thing, I'm here, 10 days sober and I'm doing the right thing." He asked if I knew where he was, to which I said sort of....he explained that they have his meds right, that they were all messed up before and he's doing so much better now.  I said that the kids got cards from his sister, brother and his mom had sent them a gift which was nice of them...he said that he's so broke and can't get them anything, that he's sure he's going to probably lose the house too...I said, yes I know, I am going to too, but this isn't the time to talk about that and asked if he wanted to talk to the kids....which they then talked in my parents bedroom, while my sister, parents and I were in the family room right nearby.  Good, bad, or otherwise, listening to their entire conversation as it was on speaker phone (my daughter loves talking that way)...he asked what they got for Christmas, explained that Daddy was in a hospital getting help and hopefully would be out in about a month or so and can hopefully find a job then (I hadn't told them he had lost his job, they didnt' need to know that)....he talked a little longer and I peaked my head in the room and my daughter was saying something to him about getting going...he said to both of them that he really hopes he'll be out by my daughter's birthday in February so he can see them then and was now crying again saying how much he missed them....I held it together and somehow we went back in the other room with my family.  My son made a comment about missing his dad and asked when we could go home.  My daughter played a few more minutes with her Nook she had been using and soon we did decide to get going as it was about time to let our puppy out. 

I emailed two of my friends, who have been through all of the stuff the past five years with me, explaining about the call and wishing them a Merry Christmas again in my email.  To which, one emailed back and couldn't have explained it better.  It is good that he's getting help and that the kids were able to talk to him, at the same time how sad to have to have ended Christmas like that.  Along with a few other comments about how hard it must have been for me to hear him again like he use to sound, yet not knowing what's really going on with him.  So true.  Sadly, even if he does stay in treatment for a month, there is no way of knowing what will happen once he checks out.

I couldn't blog, or type much of what all was going on while it was going on as the feelings were just too raw, for lack of a better word.  It didn't help at all that we got engaged on Christmas Eve back in 1997, or that we had our first date the day after Christmas in 1990.  It just is what it is and we made it through.

As I said before, amazingly, the children never knew about the threat of him coming this time, or when they found a noose at his place during the divorce, about my past restraining order, or the many other things that have happened over the past five plus years now....amazingly they just know they are loved.

On that note, I do have to let you know, I just don't know when or how, that we will be moving at the beginning of next year.  With no child support coming in and no way of knowing if or when or how much will in the future, we just can't afford to stay here.  As my parents had explained just two days prior to that call from my friend and the radio station...the amount of work/upkeep, fixing this house needs, plus over half of my income/child support not coming in anymore I just can't afford to keep it.  As they explained this, my parents also explained they've been looking at places in town, smaller, but still a house so we can keep our pets and had two I was to go tour with the that next day.  Fortunately, after we saw the second one, it looked hopefully that it might work and my parents then did more looking into it, as my Dad began his retirement as an employee for a real estate firm in Madison.  He and my mom explained they were looking into buying the place as a rental property, so down the road they would sell it again once I was ?back on my feet and able to buy my own place? ....anyway it is a good investment, I can see that, it's still in town and the kids won't have to worry about losing our pets as we would if we ended up in an apartment...I just wasnt' too sure on how excited I was or am at having my parents as my landlords...I explained that to them too, but they are convinced they are viewing it at my place...to which on that next day, said "Who knows, if you ended up alone, it might be a nice place for you to buy from us and live it once the kids move out."  Gotta love my mom and dad...I know their heart it is in the right place and they are doing this out of love...I know I really don't have another choice and that they do take excellent care of anything they own...as growing up they owned an apartment building...anyway, they plan to have the kids pick out colors they want to paint their rooms before they move in and it really is in much better shape in so many ways than the place we are in now.  Just the thought of moving and starting over once again...hopefully this one, this home will bring with it even more positive memories.  On a positive note, it will be good to know we will have a place to live regardless of whether or not I am receiving child support...and one more perk for my parents...the kids will be able to walk or ride their bikes to Grandma and Grandpa's from the new place...sigh.

As I know I won't blog again before the start of the new year, speaking of the new year, I just remembered one more gift of kindness that I need to include, as the card came without a return address and was not signed, but had in it a generous VISA gift card and a note saying here's to a much better 2013!  Yes, that's how I should end this post and year...even though we were blessed with a new kitten, puppy, so many caring friends and events this past year, it's the challenges of the two dogs that did pass away, the challenges of my ex, the trees that fell on our yard/house, the broken garage door, the new tires needed, the kids no longer seeing their dad, him going to jail to start the year and didn't end it much better....it's been a very challenging year...but we've made it through and are yes, looking forward to a much better 2013.

May you, who are reading, be blessed with a wonderful 2013 as well.

Finding strength when you are down...

Wow, September huh, can't believe I've been away so long...or rather have not been away alone long enough to journal or blog.  In the past week, I have discovered a few things, not sure that they would be classified as good things...

First, a tip to save money on Black Friday...wake up with the flu.
Second, just when you think you are starting to get your strength back from the flu/virus you have been flatted with...beware of your email.  Why you ask?  Well, it was then I received the two emails from my former Mother-in-law, letting me know the current state of things...although I feel I should back up a step before explaining what she said.

Ironically, the night before, about midnight, or so, I couldn't sleep and started having all this anxiety about my ex-husband.  I had not heard a thing good or bad about him, it just hit out of the blue and I couldn't figure out why.

Then, mid-afternoon these emails arrived and I realized the reason for the women's intuition the night before.  The first email stated that I needed to know that my ex-husband lost his job a week ago and that his benefits(and my children's) will end the 30th of the month.  (In seven days).  Then it continued to say that he was at a detox in the city and she will not be able to talk to him for a couple of days.  Hopefully the children can go on Cobra she explained.  Next, a couple hours later, I received a second email explaining that she had called in to find out about insurance for him and the kids and discovered he never had them under his insurance policy (since beginning his job this summer).  She seemed shocked by this, but sadly I wasn't...angry/concerned, but not shocked.

I closed my computer, got up to walk around after the first email and tried to process what I had read.  First, he lost his job.  I once again will be facing  period of no child support in the who-knows-how near future...which quickly snowballs into, will I lose my house this time, will I have to find a different job, will he be hired by anyone after being let go twice this year now....I tried to snap out of it and my mind then wanders off to the other direction...I read in the report how bad of shape he was in when he went into the hospital back in February, how bad was it this time?  Is he going to make it through this?  How much longer will his body be able to take this?

I had to stop my mind from spinning and I made two calls and honestly I can't remember which order it was in.  I call the local police to see if I could speak with one of the officers that has worked on our cases in the past to see if they knew anything more...and the second call was to my Pastor as I had to speak to someone about this before my kids got home from school.

When the secretary answered the phone at the local police station and I asked if the officer was in, apparently I had just missed them, but they'd be back tomorrow.  She asked me if I was calling in to get a copy of the report.  Report?  There is a report?  Of course there is a report I said to myself in my head, once again my intuition was right.  I went in after work today and found out that the local police accompanied the sheriff in getting him to leave him home/get into an ambulance to the ER.  It stated his had drank 14 1.5 Liters of Vodka in the past week.

It was after this, this afternoon, that my former sister-in-law, would you call her?  Called me.  Shocked, as I maybe have had a call from her once since the divorce five years ago, she said she was calling as she was sorry she had missed my son's birthday and wanted to make sure she had the right address to send a gift.  Then she continued on asking how I was doing.  Hanging in there, or something to that extent I nervously answered.  A bit worried since I received the emails from her mom I added.  She asked if I received the pictures too?  Pictures?!?  I went out of earshot of my children and spoke a bit longer....I heard of how the morning he was taken in, the neighbor, who she said didn't really hang out with him much anymore, called saying he was concerned about him.  His mom then went over that afternoon to find him passed out/sleep and was for some time after she had entered.  She said his arm we all bloody as he must have fallen when he was drunk, and I wasn't clear if the pictures were of that or the house, as she said it was just trashed with vomit and blood all over.  His mom apparently called her (his sister), she explained, not knowing if she should wake him and his sister thought she should, as for all they knew he could have hit his head or who knows what else...so she did and he won't agree to go get his arm checked out at an ER, so she called 911...thus the ambulance.  She continued on, explaining that when he was at the ER and his mom wanted him or the doctor wanted him to go to detox, he apparently ripped out his IV and ran down the hall...thus a police had to take him to the place he is at now.  She said something about blowing at .37something that many hours later once he made it to the ER.

SO how does one process all of this.  How does the mind, maybe I should preface it with the female mind work in matters like this.  It jumps back and forth between emotions is what it does.  A small part of you remembers him as we has back in 1990 when you first started dating and only reflects on the positives until the divorce...remembers all the good that could and at times did come from him and blocks out all the awful reality I also faced with him.  As a Christian, as a human, how can I not worry about him.  The thought of my old house.   Then, the voices from others around me recently, sound it that I am not married to him anymore...that I took care of him for all those years and now he has to learn how to do it on his own.  There is nothing I could have done or did do to cause any of this.  If anything, I have been told, I should be angry that he can't be a father, can be responsible, can't clean up his act and be able to take care of his kids.  Then there is fear, as we can't afford our home/life as it is now if we don't receive child support anymore.  If he doesn't make it through this, if he doesn't find a new job...how will we make ends meet?  Then there is anger at myself, that I haven't yet figured out a way on my own to support the kids and I without his support.  One positive a friends stated, that at least the children are with me full time right now, and they don't even have to know any of this is going on.  True, but at what point will he be in such bad shape I'll have to tell them.  At what point will he lose the house?  Or his life if he keeps up in this way.  Apparently he's just in the detox now and his mom is hoping he'll enter the impatient treatment, but if he's not willing too, I'm not sure how that will work either.

So many unknowns and yet I have to refocus, I was reminded today.  Getting back to work, not 100%, but healthy enough to be back, I was able to get out of the house and while part of the day my mind kept thinking we're going to lose the house, how am I going to tell the kids, what will happen to our puppy?  Now what?  I somehow got to a point that I was able to remember I was in this same boat when he lost his job at the start of summer and things were okay.  Also, that my priority should be that my children are okay.  Healthy, safe, amazing and that is truly what should matter.  If we have to face all that, we will, but I can't ruin today with all those worries if there is a chance they won't really come true.  Maybe there are other options I am not thinking of.  Maybe I should just keep praying and figure out how to make it through another day.  That is what I did and what I will continue to do.  Pray that God will once again, help us through this new obstacle in our life.