Tomorrow...

Tomorrow, I will sign a contract to put my house on the market.  A week from tomorrow my kids, five year old and hopefully stronger, our one year old cat and new hamster will move out of our house of hope.  I remember five years ago writing about a journal entry about a pillow of hope...for a fresh start.  A new home to start my post-divorce life, for a better future.  Five years later, two dogs, well sadly three dogs no longer with us, and hope, well I am really fighting to find any lately. 

Monday morning, I am scheduled to go in front of the judge, who finalized our divorce in May of 2008.  We sat before her in September?  October was it?  At that time, she scheduled this date to finalize placement.  I have not heard back from my lawyer, as I called two days ago and he is not in the office tomorrow, so my stress level right now is not so good not knowing what is going on for Monday morning.

As I was scrolling back through my Facebook posts, trying to remember the last time I blogged, as I always post a link on my page, I could not believe all that has happened since the week before Christmas.  So many pictures, updates, inspirational quotes...one stood out in my mind as I stared at the blank white blog page tonight..."2013, it WILL be better"

Hmmm, how do we define better?   Weekly calls, for awhile, from my ex to our kids from a rehab facility that he wanted us to join in on family days with.  My son thinking, from what was said on the phone, that they'd be going snow shoeing, playing lazer tag and returning to life with Dad as it use to be by the way he was talking to him.  Later, upset/crying because he couldn't remember what Daddy's face looks like. (Of course I found a picture of him five years ago and showed him what I had.)  When I mentioned to my daughter, that I felt bad that their dad was making comments/promises about doing things with them soon as I knew that he wasn't really going to be able to do that, she responded quite securely, "Mom, oh I know he won't."  Strong, but sad.

Then my email is hacked into and all my past messages, saved information, it's all gone...not to mention my lab top itself dying for good a few weeks later.  Have we made it through January yet?  No, I think we also have the issues with our puppy who had turned one...but also becoming more and more destructive...tearing up carpet, ruining drapes and the list goes on.  After my son was bit on the face, we looked into options as my children begged to no return her to the rescue we got her from and decided to go through training...twice after she bit him again...the last time creating holes in his hand and drawing blood.  After a doctor's visit, medicine, bandages and many rounds of tears from all three of us, our puppy left our home.  I held it together so well as the kids broke down over and over....myself, it was driving to take her away for the last time.  I had no idea how awful I would feel, yet was at a point where I had no choice.  I need to keep my children safe, as well as others that come over and as much as I did not want to part with her, she really needed a home without children.  There is more to the day of dropping her off, but right now, I just don't want to relive it. 

For the week after, my son broke down crying every day, multiple times, as he would say, "Mom, I wish she had never bit me!  Mom, I don't know what to do, I've never NOT had a dog in our home!"  He was right, as was my daughter that first overly silent night, when she came out of her room crying..."Mom, I've never been alive and not had a pet dog...you know we had Sadie when I was born, then was got Jake, when Jake died, we still had Sadie to hug and after she died, we had Ginger...now we don't have anyone and I don't know what to do."  I realized in different ways each day how much I missed having a dog around too and kept explaining we WILL have another dog or puppy, we just have to make sure it's good with children and our cat.  So my searching began...

The past few nights, pretty much since last Friday, when my parent closed on the home we will be moving into and renting from my parents, my stress level has escalated big time...the one thing that would settle me down each night was researching our new family member/dog and knowing there was hope amongst everything else.  Looking through rescue sites, breeders, contacting quite a few and narrowing things down to the ones we were going to get, tonight just did me in.

Last Friday, the kids saw the inside of the home we will be moving into for the first time.  My mom had taken pictures that the kids had seen, we had driven past, but they had not been inside.  My son, now 8, was only three when we moved into our current home and I quickly discovered thinks of this as his only home he's/we've had.  As we went in and walked around for the first time, my daughter was very excited, regardless of all the work that needed to be done this past week and next week before we could move in.  My son on the other hand melted into tears, "I'm not EVER moving into this place, this will NOT be our home and we are NOT EVER going to walk into this house again!"  My dad was convinced he was running away as he slammed the door into the garage...I, trying to hold it all together, knew he needed space.  Space to vent, to be mad...I didn't blame him, I have always hated change too and with the loss of our puppy, his hand and not to mention getting glass all in the past week or two, it was too much for me let alone an 8 year old boy.  Sure enough he was sulking in the minivan and after two days, came around a bit.  I explained that the house was kind of like those TV shows, where this is the before, but after painting, getting new windows, etc. it will look so cool after, when it's time for us to move in.  We've talked A LOT and went over to see progress each day and luckily he's doing much better.  Only I'm not sure mom is.

This afternoon, I came home early to help out as they are behind in painting and some other projects and my parents are both low on sleep, stressed out and I feel I have to do something to help.  Well, being there didn't feel like much help, but it sure did stress me out.  I was glad to have to go home when my kids got off the bus and head to our traditional heart shaped pizza dinner for Valentine's Day.  Tired, ready to go home and look through Valentine's, the kids wanted to stop over and see the new painting, front door, etc today.  They were excited to see things, but when I mentioned I had called the phone number in the paper my dad suggested about an inexpensive Golden Puppy for sale, things blew up in my face quickly. 

Reflecting over thing later at home here, I don't think it was the fact they want all of my tax refund to go toward lawyer bills I owe them that bugged me the most, the fact that they said we can't afford a dog or puppy right now...it was the way they crush my little bit of hope that was left.  My joy in looking forward to having a puppy to love again, a dog that will be there when I come home to an empty house or curl up with me once the kids are in bed to cuddle with and remind me with those eyes, that I am loved, unconditionally.  After having a dog in my life for over 14 years now, the past two weeks have seemed so lonely. 

I mentioned at work last week, either I need to find a dog or a man!  The companionship or lack there of, just can't be explained or understood by my parents, who have never had or know the love a dog can bring into your day.  It wasn't just the fact that I'm 38 years old and being told once again, "No, you can't have a dog."  Okay, a little bit was that....a lot of it was the fact that my hope in our dog, in our future just dimmed with each word they said thereafter.  "You can't afford a dog and won't be able to afford taking care of one.  We don't know how you are going to even pay your bills along with our rent after you move in.  We don't have any more money to give you; we are already maxed out with buying this house and everything keeps costing more that it should.  If you have extra money it should be going toward the water softener, the painter, the windows....Knowing I was about to break into tears, knowing my daughter and possible son was in earshot hearing my parents explain I had nothing and saying we could not get a dog anytime soon...I felt so belittled, so awful that I barely held back my tears as I sarcastically said "well, Happy Valentine's Day then!" and got the kids ready to go. 

I realize, as the one worker said two days ago, you are a very lucky to have your parents doing all of this for you.  Yes, I heard it from my Aunt, calling about my daughter's birthday earlier this week, "Your parents really came through for you didn't they."  Yes, I, once again, need to be indebted to my parents, as I was to be when they loaned me all the money for the divorce five/six years ago.  I will never be able to pay them back that 100,000 and I realize as they so clearly explained again tonight, I have no money, I will have no money anytime in the near future....if it wasn't for them....I have heard it so many times that it's hard to be grateful when it feels like you should feel guilty. 

I made it home with the kids and soon after something little made me start crying, so hard and I couldn't stop enough to not be crying when I finally left my bathroom and faced my kids.  I explained that I just felt so bad that we can't get a dog/puppy right now and I feel awful that I can't tell them when in the future we can.  My daughter was fine with it and my son seemed to be okay, just wanted me to be happy again and hug me.  I wish his hugs could fix it all....not knowing what will happen in the court on Monday, not knowing if we'll get everything done on the house and everything moved out in time next week, not knowing if I'll ever get child support again, not knowing when we'll ever get a dog again, not knowing if I'll ever have a Valentine (besides my sweet son) on Valentine's Day again...it's just hard to view this move as a positive or good thing.  It is a sign that we couldn't make it...that my hope in starting over, getting married again or at least be in a relationship again...so many hopes I had when we moved in have faded so far away. 

I am blessed to have my children full time now, as exhausting as it can be some days, I am grateful everyday for that.  I should be grateful that we have a home to move into/or will by next Friday...but knowing that more challenges are ahead...Monday in court, selling this home or foreclosing on it...dealing with the rest of my debt...holding it all together while dealing with it all for the kids sake...missing my Jake, my dog who would always rest his chin on me the moment I was about to cry, before it had begun, showing me he at least, was there for me....it's just not the same. 

I realize I have to face reality.  I emailed my mom back, thanking her and dad again for all their work today again and explaining that I talked to the kids about the fact we can't get a dog yet...that we just can't afford one right now.  Her response just upset me more.  Stating again that she knew I want a dog, but I just don't have the money and if I don't start getting child support, I won't.  She went on to explain that if the kids and I started saving up money in a jar for a dog someday, that each time they want a toy, or to go out to eat, or to buy a donut (yes she said that as apparently buying heart donuts for the kid's Valentine's breakfast was overspending where I didn't need to in  her eyes...sigh)...then someday we could get a dog again.  The email continued on saying that she was concerned that Monday wouldn't be the end and her concern that there will be more issues in court with placement (NOT what I want to hear/read/or think about now!!!)...then listing off all the things I can do when I get done with work at noon tomorrow and go over to help them.

Yep, Happy Valentine's Day to you too Mom (sarcastic tone implied).

Sorry, if I am coming off selfish, or spoiled, I apologize now.  It's not that I'm not grateful to be able to have a place to call home...it's just that being told what I can and can't do at this age...it's not easy.

I am sure the home will turn out nice, but I'm not looking forward to moving, I'm not looking forward to court on Monday, I'm not looking forward to meeting with banks, I'm not looking forward to much right now.  I suppose I should be grateful I survived Valentine's Day, alone, without a Valentine or any hope of one in the near future...I was just looking so forward to 2013 begin so much better than last year...and as of it, it's been equally as challenging...

To end, on not quite as depressing of a note, a quote I 'reposted' tonight...

"Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.”
–Muhammad Ali

So...when does the 'rest of your life' begin?