Tomorrow...

Tomorrow, I will sign a contract to put my house on the market.  A week from tomorrow my kids, five year old and hopefully stronger, our one year old cat and new hamster will move out of our house of hope.  I remember five years ago writing about a journal entry about a pillow of hope...for a fresh start.  A new home to start my post-divorce life, for a better future.  Five years later, two dogs, well sadly three dogs no longer with us, and hope, well I am really fighting to find any lately. 

Monday morning, I am scheduled to go in front of the judge, who finalized our divorce in May of 2008.  We sat before her in September?  October was it?  At that time, she scheduled this date to finalize placement.  I have not heard back from my lawyer, as I called two days ago and he is not in the office tomorrow, so my stress level right now is not so good not knowing what is going on for Monday morning.

As I was scrolling back through my Facebook posts, trying to remember the last time I blogged, as I always post a link on my page, I could not believe all that has happened since the week before Christmas.  So many pictures, updates, inspirational quotes...one stood out in my mind as I stared at the blank white blog page tonight..."2013, it WILL be better"

Hmmm, how do we define better?   Weekly calls, for awhile, from my ex to our kids from a rehab facility that he wanted us to join in on family days with.  My son thinking, from what was said on the phone, that they'd be going snow shoeing, playing lazer tag and returning to life with Dad as it use to be by the way he was talking to him.  Later, upset/crying because he couldn't remember what Daddy's face looks like. (Of course I found a picture of him five years ago and showed him what I had.)  When I mentioned to my daughter, that I felt bad that their dad was making comments/promises about doing things with them soon as I knew that he wasn't really going to be able to do that, she responded quite securely, "Mom, oh I know he won't."  Strong, but sad.

Then my email is hacked into and all my past messages, saved information, it's all gone...not to mention my lab top itself dying for good a few weeks later.  Have we made it through January yet?  No, I think we also have the issues with our puppy who had turned one...but also becoming more and more destructive...tearing up carpet, ruining drapes and the list goes on.  After my son was bit on the face, we looked into options as my children begged to no return her to the rescue we got her from and decided to go through training...twice after she bit him again...the last time creating holes in his hand and drawing blood.  After a doctor's visit, medicine, bandages and many rounds of tears from all three of us, our puppy left our home.  I held it together so well as the kids broke down over and over....myself, it was driving to take her away for the last time.  I had no idea how awful I would feel, yet was at a point where I had no choice.  I need to keep my children safe, as well as others that come over and as much as I did not want to part with her, she really needed a home without children.  There is more to the day of dropping her off, but right now, I just don't want to relive it. 

For the week after, my son broke down crying every day, multiple times, as he would say, "Mom, I wish she had never bit me!  Mom, I don't know what to do, I've never NOT had a dog in our home!"  He was right, as was my daughter that first overly silent night, when she came out of her room crying..."Mom, I've never been alive and not had a pet dog...you know we had Sadie when I was born, then was got Jake, when Jake died, we still had Sadie to hug and after she died, we had Ginger...now we don't have anyone and I don't know what to do."  I realized in different ways each day how much I missed having a dog around too and kept explaining we WILL have another dog or puppy, we just have to make sure it's good with children and our cat.  So my searching began...

The past few nights, pretty much since last Friday, when my parent closed on the home we will be moving into and renting from my parents, my stress level has escalated big time...the one thing that would settle me down each night was researching our new family member/dog and knowing there was hope amongst everything else.  Looking through rescue sites, breeders, contacting quite a few and narrowing things down to the ones we were going to get, tonight just did me in.

Last Friday, the kids saw the inside of the home we will be moving into for the first time.  My mom had taken pictures that the kids had seen, we had driven past, but they had not been inside.  My son, now 8, was only three when we moved into our current home and I quickly discovered thinks of this as his only home he's/we've had.  As we went in and walked around for the first time, my daughter was very excited, regardless of all the work that needed to be done this past week and next week before we could move in.  My son on the other hand melted into tears, "I'm not EVER moving into this place, this will NOT be our home and we are NOT EVER going to walk into this house again!"  My dad was convinced he was running away as he slammed the door into the garage...I, trying to hold it all together, knew he needed space.  Space to vent, to be mad...I didn't blame him, I have always hated change too and with the loss of our puppy, his hand and not to mention getting glass all in the past week or two, it was too much for me let alone an 8 year old boy.  Sure enough he was sulking in the minivan and after two days, came around a bit.  I explained that the house was kind of like those TV shows, where this is the before, but after painting, getting new windows, etc. it will look so cool after, when it's time for us to move in.  We've talked A LOT and went over to see progress each day and luckily he's doing much better.  Only I'm not sure mom is.

This afternoon, I came home early to help out as they are behind in painting and some other projects and my parents are both low on sleep, stressed out and I feel I have to do something to help.  Well, being there didn't feel like much help, but it sure did stress me out.  I was glad to have to go home when my kids got off the bus and head to our traditional heart shaped pizza dinner for Valentine's Day.  Tired, ready to go home and look through Valentine's, the kids wanted to stop over and see the new painting, front door, etc today.  They were excited to see things, but when I mentioned I had called the phone number in the paper my dad suggested about an inexpensive Golden Puppy for sale, things blew up in my face quickly. 

Reflecting over thing later at home here, I don't think it was the fact they want all of my tax refund to go toward lawyer bills I owe them that bugged me the most, the fact that they said we can't afford a dog or puppy right now...it was the way they crush my little bit of hope that was left.  My joy in looking forward to having a puppy to love again, a dog that will be there when I come home to an empty house or curl up with me once the kids are in bed to cuddle with and remind me with those eyes, that I am loved, unconditionally.  After having a dog in my life for over 14 years now, the past two weeks have seemed so lonely. 

I mentioned at work last week, either I need to find a dog or a man!  The companionship or lack there of, just can't be explained or understood by my parents, who have never had or know the love a dog can bring into your day.  It wasn't just the fact that I'm 38 years old and being told once again, "No, you can't have a dog."  Okay, a little bit was that....a lot of it was the fact that my hope in our dog, in our future just dimmed with each word they said thereafter.  "You can't afford a dog and won't be able to afford taking care of one.  We don't know how you are going to even pay your bills along with our rent after you move in.  We don't have any more money to give you; we are already maxed out with buying this house and everything keeps costing more that it should.  If you have extra money it should be going toward the water softener, the painter, the windows....Knowing I was about to break into tears, knowing my daughter and possible son was in earshot hearing my parents explain I had nothing and saying we could not get a dog anytime soon...I felt so belittled, so awful that I barely held back my tears as I sarcastically said "well, Happy Valentine's Day then!" and got the kids ready to go. 

I realize, as the one worker said two days ago, you are a very lucky to have your parents doing all of this for you.  Yes, I heard it from my Aunt, calling about my daughter's birthday earlier this week, "Your parents really came through for you didn't they."  Yes, I, once again, need to be indebted to my parents, as I was to be when they loaned me all the money for the divorce five/six years ago.  I will never be able to pay them back that 100,000 and I realize as they so clearly explained again tonight, I have no money, I will have no money anytime in the near future....if it wasn't for them....I have heard it so many times that it's hard to be grateful when it feels like you should feel guilty. 

I made it home with the kids and soon after something little made me start crying, so hard and I couldn't stop enough to not be crying when I finally left my bathroom and faced my kids.  I explained that I just felt so bad that we can't get a dog/puppy right now and I feel awful that I can't tell them when in the future we can.  My daughter was fine with it and my son seemed to be okay, just wanted me to be happy again and hug me.  I wish his hugs could fix it all....not knowing what will happen in the court on Monday, not knowing if we'll get everything done on the house and everything moved out in time next week, not knowing if I'll ever get child support again, not knowing when we'll ever get a dog again, not knowing if I'll ever have a Valentine (besides my sweet son) on Valentine's Day again...it's just hard to view this move as a positive or good thing.  It is a sign that we couldn't make it...that my hope in starting over, getting married again or at least be in a relationship again...so many hopes I had when we moved in have faded so far away. 

I am blessed to have my children full time now, as exhausting as it can be some days, I am grateful everyday for that.  I should be grateful that we have a home to move into/or will by next Friday...but knowing that more challenges are ahead...Monday in court, selling this home or foreclosing on it...dealing with the rest of my debt...holding it all together while dealing with it all for the kids sake...missing my Jake, my dog who would always rest his chin on me the moment I was about to cry, before it had begun, showing me he at least, was there for me....it's just not the same. 

I realize I have to face reality.  I emailed my mom back, thanking her and dad again for all their work today again and explaining that I talked to the kids about the fact we can't get a dog yet...that we just can't afford one right now.  Her response just upset me more.  Stating again that she knew I want a dog, but I just don't have the money and if I don't start getting child support, I won't.  She went on to explain that if the kids and I started saving up money in a jar for a dog someday, that each time they want a toy, or to go out to eat, or to buy a donut (yes she said that as apparently buying heart donuts for the kid's Valentine's breakfast was overspending where I didn't need to in  her eyes...sigh)...then someday we could get a dog again.  The email continued on saying that she was concerned that Monday wouldn't be the end and her concern that there will be more issues in court with placement (NOT what I want to hear/read/or think about now!!!)...then listing off all the things I can do when I get done with work at noon tomorrow and go over to help them.

Yep, Happy Valentine's Day to you too Mom (sarcastic tone implied).

Sorry, if I am coming off selfish, or spoiled, I apologize now.  It's not that I'm not grateful to be able to have a place to call home...it's just that being told what I can and can't do at this age...it's not easy.

I am sure the home will turn out nice, but I'm not looking forward to moving, I'm not looking forward to court on Monday, I'm not looking forward to meeting with banks, I'm not looking forward to much right now.  I suppose I should be grateful I survived Valentine's Day, alone, without a Valentine or any hope of one in the near future...I was just looking so forward to 2013 begin so much better than last year...and as of it, it's been equally as challenging...

To end, on not quite as depressing of a note, a quote I 'reposted' tonight...

"Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.”
–Muhammad Ali

So...when does the 'rest of your life' begin?

The weeks before Christmas...and hope for 2013

Earlier this evening, I posted to a friend that so much has happened the past few weeks, aside from Christmas, I suppose it is really time to blog again.  Clicking on the new post button got me thinking, where do I begin this time?  Last week, no really I should go back to the week before as I usually explain things chronologically...the most important thing before I explain any of it is that right now both of my amazing children are asleep out near the Christmas tree lights, safe, healthy and doing well.  They have no clue of all that I'm about to type, other than I had lost my voice, energy and most of my patience the few days before Christmas, otherwise, amazingly, the rest of their world stayed the same.

A week ago Tuesday, I suppose it was a week to the day, before Christmas, I had went in to teach, but barely had a voice and was feeling lousy after catching some strain of the fever/cough/virus that my daughter had came home from school sick with the week prior.  I received an email the day before, from my former mother-in-law, stating that things had been very hectic but they had got my ex into an impatient facility and that she'd be mailing a Christmas gift to the grand kids (also that she'd be out of town the week of Christmas).  Tuesday evening then, I received a phone call (the next night) from my former sister-in-law, that began along the lines of, "I need to let you know what is going on as I couldn't live with myself if something happened and I hadn't warned you."

From there she explained that I needed to know my ex has been an extreme "Prepper" (I believe that was the term) and that he plans to come and take the kids before Friday to his 'bunker in the basement' to keep them safe.  Keeping in mind he does not have any legal right to have them at this point, I listened concerned as she explained.  She said that he is so far over the edge that when mom took him into the hospital (apparently he needed to go in and get his alcohol level checked before admitting him) that he went in wearing head to toe camo and a skeleton mask.  Sadly, his mom had pointed out that his blood alcohol level was only .30 to which my former sister-in-law questioned, you mean .03, no, .30.  His mom thought this was an improvement over last time.  Apparently he was going on about harming a pet from back 20 years ago that his sister had so they did a CAT scan and MRI which she didn't know the results of but was hoping they sent along to the treatment center he was going to.  She said it was over towards Milwaukee and that the only way he would agree to go, was if it was a center he could check himself out of at any time.  Hearing this made me even more concerned. Then she explained that apparently she is now on his "list", number five to be exact and that if he did check himself out last week, she was convinced she was going to get a restraining order to keep him away from her and her family.  I explained they are not that easy to obtain as it took quite a bit for me to get one the first time and that I currently do not have one right now.  She went on his mother, some guy she doesn't know and then she are the top three power of attorneys for him and that she can't imagine that he'll ever be able to live on his own again, that her mom isn't going to take him in and is not sure where that will leave him then.  She explained again that her mom is siding with him and thinks she is just angry and needs to seek help, that she is the one with the problem, to which I reminded her that is because she is too close to him to want to see the truth.  She said she'd call me if she had heard from her mom that he did check himself out, but to just be careful as she doesn't know what he's going to do.

So, I somehow found a way to get off the phone, appear ok to my children, especially my son who has now checked on me in my bathroom with the door shut multiple times, as it's the only place in my house I can talk without him hearing...and explain that it was their Aunt and that their dad is having some troubles again and is hopefully getting help now.  My daughter looks me right in the eyes and asks, "Mom, is he dead" to which, luckily this time, I could honestly say back no.  I then had to convince my overtired son that he could wait to turn in his homework that I hadn't been able to help with a day late and I would email his teacher that something came up and we just couldn't get it done...although he was in tears of course thinking it was the end of the world.

That night I emailed a couple close friends what was going on as well as my parents, to which all were concerned if we should be staying at our house knowing all of this.  I forwarded the message both to two police I have worked with in town and the one in charge in the town my ex lives in to which I did get a message back from him.  He said he'd call in the morning and that we need to get right on this.  I couldn't think of sleeping and finally messaged a good friend who's husband is a sheriff in Madison who was agreed with others who had already offered a place to stay, not to keep the kids at home that night.  So I packed up clothes and school stuff for the next day and finally at about 11 PM woke the kids explaining that Grandma and Grandpa were concerned about my cough being so bad...that if I had to go in to the doctor in the night, they could take care of them and get them to school...so we spent the night (for the first time together) at Mom and Dad's in town.  That next morning, my Dad took my son in to his school while I dropped off my daughter and waited until she was well inside before going into the office myself to notify the school counselor of my concerns.  I explained to him, also, that the office does have a copy of the legal placement right now and that he is not to go with him, but with all that happened in the news out East, with not knowing what drugs he's been taking, with no job, etc...he's not in a good place and I was just extra concerned that he'd come and take them from school if he was going to get them.  I continued, with little to no voice left, over to my son's school and after awkwardly introducing myself to their new counselor explained things to her too. 

After this I was headed to the police station as I had already called and knew an officer I've worked with before we starting their shift soon, but first, on top of everything else, had to stop over at the house that was being inspected, as my kids and I will be moving in February...still in town, but to a small, less expensive place..I'll get back on that one...so I make it to the police station sounding just awful at this point, again explaining everything.  They no longer use the varda? system that I had in my house when I first moved and he was threatening to take my life, but instead had tracking system of some sorts for my cell phone.  With the blizzard on the way, they weren't as concerned for the school/kids the next day but more over the evening ahead.  We went through things and I had to run into town to pick up a few things before the storm and told them I'd be back or call before the school day was over and let them know what I decided.  Little did I know I'd be back five minutes later.  As I was a couple blocks away a restricted call came in, which I assumed was the police station.  I answered it to find out it was a social service worker of some sorts call on behalf of the medical institute my ex was in.  I was taken back as I thought she had said a hospital and asked if he was still alive, so which she questioned me oddly why wouldn't he be?  I explained he had made threats before and I knew he wasn't doing well.  She said she was calling as she was legally required to let me know that he is convinced the world is ending on Friday (last week) and he plans to come and take the kids.  I said yes, I had heard, to which she again was taken back and wondered how I'd possibly know that, to which I explained his sister had called me the night before concerned...to which she continued on explaining that they were going to be transporting him to a longer-term care center, but legally it was her job to warn me about this.  I was so overwhelm at this point, not taking in everything clearly, I asked if she'd stay on the line while I drove back to the police station to explain this...which she explained she would not speak with any police...but at least she explained a few things again so I could write a few notes down once I was parked.  I then went back in and they were hoping that it was a secured facility now, which would put everyone a little more at ease. 

I left again for town and called my former sister-in-law on her cell at her work, as I explained to her, I thought she would appreciate knowing, as I had appreciated her update the night before. This time, perhaps being the next day, or her being at work, she didn't seem as concerned, more that he'd just come get the kids, not that he's going to hurt me or anything, but I no longer knew what to think.

I made it home and went along with the idea the police had not to mess up the children's routine, so I had them ride the bus, and fortunately they arrived safely.  That evening, once they were finally asleep, as school was already cancelled due to the blizzard on the way, I finally got on the computer and did some more research on this place he was at.  From the looks of it, he could get out on his own at any time so I finally called this information number to find out more.  Sure enough, when I called, the man I spoke with said he could not confirm or deny that my ex was staying there, but could leave a message and if he was and if he wanted to could call me back...I then explained about the call earlier in the day from the center that delivered him, also explaining that he legally can not have the kids at this point and was concerned for their safety.  He did explain to me that they do not have bars or anything to keep their residents in and they are able to check themselves out at any time.  To which I was a bit nervous again....sending that information along to a few people as well.  To all of that, I finally prayed and went to sleep with each child in my bed.

We woke up to a blizzard and as the day went on, a bit of relief for me as the awful weather was being described all over southern Wisconsin.  At this point if he hadn't got here, hopefully he wouldn't be.  The next morning, when the world did NOT come to an end, a little bigger sigh of relief that he no longer would be coming for that reason.  We continued on with life, looking forward to my own sister's plane arriving (hopefully) that evening and were blessed by a visitor stopping by.  A friend had called asking if they could drop something off...silly me thinking Christmas cookies or a Christmas card or something, here it was both her and her husband letting me know that I was picked by her husband through his work, to receive a gift on behalf of an anonymous man who donates Christmas money to those in need each year.  I thanked them both from a distance (not hugging as not wanting to pass on my 'toxic germs' as my daughter was calling them) and after they left opened the card and the generous gift of cash, with a note to use the money to enjoy the holidays with my children.  Or something to that extent...I have it and will keep it for many years to come.  Along with the note, I have another letter I will keep for years to come too....as I arrived at the end of the week prior from a local radio station.  Yes, the week before this week occurred, I received a phone call from another friend during my work day, honestly, the way she had emailed me asking if we could speak during my work hours, I was concerned something was wrong with her family...here, when she called and asked how I was doing, I started saying, well okay, considering it looks like I'll be losing my house now...here she then said she had two friends on the line that wanted to talk to me...it was a local radio station letting me know I was chosen to receive their holiday prize...here, she had sent in a wonderful letter about me and the situation not being good with my ex and how she had received help from this same contest years ago and wanted to pay the gift forward to me this year...sure enough, not only did I receive a copy of the letter, but a large check to make sure my kids had gifts this Christmas as well as a gift card to a local store for food too.  I was speechless and less the was the week before I lost my voice.

On top of all this, Christmas Eve, one of my closest friends, who has been there for over 20 years with me now, through all of this, gave me a card at church before my daughter sang and played chimes during the prelude.  I knew better than to open it then, but after the kids were finally in bed Christmas Eve, and the old black and white version of "It's A Wonderful Life" played on TV in the background, I opened the card, to find it was not just from her but from other who care so much about me, again with money and a gift card.  At that point, what else could I do but start crying.

Christmas morning came, as did our celebration at my parents with the relatives from out of town...so nice to see them all, yet things have been so surreal lately, it was hard to make sense of everything, to be in the true Christmas spirit and mindset.  Before I knew it, they were hugging goodbye and traveling home and I went to look at my phone and discovered I had missed a call from a number I didn't know.  I listened to the voice mail to hear my ex...very sad and humble sounding, explaining that he just wanted to wish his kids a Merry Christmas, that I suppose you've told them their dad doesn't want to talk to them, but I...he was then crying again saying he just wanted too.."  I called back right away, still out of the room from my kids/family and as the women said just a moment she'd find him, he no sooner answered and I began explaining that we were at my parents and that all the relatives were just leaving and I hadn't heard my phone.  He seemed so relieved I had called and began saying, "I'm doing the right thing, I'm here, 10 days sober and I'm doing the right thing." He asked if I knew where he was, to which I said sort of....he explained that they have his meds right, that they were all messed up before and he's doing so much better now.  I said that the kids got cards from his sister, brother and his mom had sent them a gift which was nice of them...he said that he's so broke and can't get them anything, that he's sure he's going to probably lose the house too...I said, yes I know, I am going to too, but this isn't the time to talk about that and asked if he wanted to talk to the kids....which they then talked in my parents bedroom, while my sister, parents and I were in the family room right nearby.  Good, bad, or otherwise, listening to their entire conversation as it was on speaker phone (my daughter loves talking that way)...he asked what they got for Christmas, explained that Daddy was in a hospital getting help and hopefully would be out in about a month or so and can hopefully find a job then (I hadn't told them he had lost his job, they didnt' need to know that)....he talked a little longer and I peaked my head in the room and my daughter was saying something to him about getting going...he said to both of them that he really hopes he'll be out by my daughter's birthday in February so he can see them then and was now crying again saying how much he missed them....I held it together and somehow we went back in the other room with my family.  My son made a comment about missing his dad and asked when we could go home.  My daughter played a few more minutes with her Nook she had been using and soon we did decide to get going as it was about time to let our puppy out. 

I emailed two of my friends, who have been through all of the stuff the past five years with me, explaining about the call and wishing them a Merry Christmas again in my email.  To which, one emailed back and couldn't have explained it better.  It is good that he's getting help and that the kids were able to talk to him, at the same time how sad to have to have ended Christmas like that.  Along with a few other comments about how hard it must have been for me to hear him again like he use to sound, yet not knowing what's really going on with him.  So true.  Sadly, even if he does stay in treatment for a month, there is no way of knowing what will happen once he checks out.

I couldn't blog, or type much of what all was going on while it was going on as the feelings were just too raw, for lack of a better word.  It didn't help at all that we got engaged on Christmas Eve back in 1997, or that we had our first date the day after Christmas in 1990.  It just is what it is and we made it through.

As I said before, amazingly, the children never knew about the threat of him coming this time, or when they found a noose at his place during the divorce, about my past restraining order, or the many other things that have happened over the past five plus years now....amazingly they just know they are loved.

On that note, I do have to let you know, I just don't know when or how, that we will be moving at the beginning of next year.  With no child support coming in and no way of knowing if or when or how much will in the future, we just can't afford to stay here.  As my parents had explained just two days prior to that call from my friend and the radio station...the amount of work/upkeep, fixing this house needs, plus over half of my income/child support not coming in anymore I just can't afford to keep it.  As they explained this, my parents also explained they've been looking at places in town, smaller, but still a house so we can keep our pets and had two I was to go tour with the that next day.  Fortunately, after we saw the second one, it looked hopefully that it might work and my parents then did more looking into it, as my Dad began his retirement as an employee for a real estate firm in Madison.  He and my mom explained they were looking into buying the place as a rental property, so down the road they would sell it again once I was ?back on my feet and able to buy my own place? ....anyway it is a good investment, I can see that, it's still in town and the kids won't have to worry about losing our pets as we would if we ended up in an apartment...I just wasnt' too sure on how excited I was or am at having my parents as my landlords...I explained that to them too, but they are convinced they are viewing it at my place...to which on that next day, said "Who knows, if you ended up alone, it might be a nice place for you to buy from us and live it once the kids move out."  Gotta love my mom and dad...I know their heart it is in the right place and they are doing this out of love...I know I really don't have another choice and that they do take excellent care of anything they own...as growing up they owned an apartment building...anyway, they plan to have the kids pick out colors they want to paint their rooms before they move in and it really is in much better shape in so many ways than the place we are in now.  Just the thought of moving and starting over once again...hopefully this one, this home will bring with it even more positive memories.  On a positive note, it will be good to know we will have a place to live regardless of whether or not I am receiving child support...and one more perk for my parents...the kids will be able to walk or ride their bikes to Grandma and Grandpa's from the new place...sigh.

As I know I won't blog again before the start of the new year, speaking of the new year, I just remembered one more gift of kindness that I need to include, as the card came without a return address and was not signed, but had in it a generous VISA gift card and a note saying here's to a much better 2013!  Yes, that's how I should end this post and year...even though we were blessed with a new kitten, puppy, so many caring friends and events this past year, it's the challenges of the two dogs that did pass away, the challenges of my ex, the trees that fell on our yard/house, the broken garage door, the new tires needed, the kids no longer seeing their dad, him going to jail to start the year and didn't end it much better....it's been a very challenging year...but we've made it through and are yes, looking forward to a much better 2013.

May you, who are reading, be blessed with a wonderful 2013 as well.

Finding strength when you are down...

Wow, September huh, can't believe I've been away so long...or rather have not been away alone long enough to journal or blog.  In the past week, I have discovered a few things, not sure that they would be classified as good things...

First, a tip to save money on Black Friday...wake up with the flu.
Second, just when you think you are starting to get your strength back from the flu/virus you have been flatted with...beware of your email.  Why you ask?  Well, it was then I received the two emails from my former Mother-in-law, letting me know the current state of things...although I feel I should back up a step before explaining what she said.

Ironically, the night before, about midnight, or so, I couldn't sleep and started having all this anxiety about my ex-husband.  I had not heard a thing good or bad about him, it just hit out of the blue and I couldn't figure out why.

Then, mid-afternoon these emails arrived and I realized the reason for the women's intuition the night before.  The first email stated that I needed to know that my ex-husband lost his job a week ago and that his benefits(and my children's) will end the 30th of the month.  (In seven days).  Then it continued to say that he was at a detox in the city and she will not be able to talk to him for a couple of days.  Hopefully the children can go on Cobra she explained.  Next, a couple hours later, I received a second email explaining that she had called in to find out about insurance for him and the kids and discovered he never had them under his insurance policy (since beginning his job this summer).  She seemed shocked by this, but sadly I wasn't...angry/concerned, but not shocked.

I closed my computer, got up to walk around after the first email and tried to process what I had read.  First, he lost his job.  I once again will be facing  period of no child support in the who-knows-how near future...which quickly snowballs into, will I lose my house this time, will I have to find a different job, will he be hired by anyone after being let go twice this year now....I tried to snap out of it and my mind then wanders off to the other direction...I read in the report how bad of shape he was in when he went into the hospital back in February, how bad was it this time?  Is he going to make it through this?  How much longer will his body be able to take this?

I had to stop my mind from spinning and I made two calls and honestly I can't remember which order it was in.  I call the local police to see if I could speak with one of the officers that has worked on our cases in the past to see if they knew anything more...and the second call was to my Pastor as I had to speak to someone about this before my kids got home from school.

When the secretary answered the phone at the local police station and I asked if the officer was in, apparently I had just missed them, but they'd be back tomorrow.  She asked me if I was calling in to get a copy of the report.  Report?  There is a report?  Of course there is a report I said to myself in my head, once again my intuition was right.  I went in after work today and found out that the local police accompanied the sheriff in getting him to leave him home/get into an ambulance to the ER.  It stated his had drank 14 1.5 Liters of Vodka in the past week.

It was after this, this afternoon, that my former sister-in-law, would you call her?  Called me.  Shocked, as I maybe have had a call from her once since the divorce five years ago, she said she was calling as she was sorry she had missed my son's birthday and wanted to make sure she had the right address to send a gift.  Then she continued on asking how I was doing.  Hanging in there, or something to that extent I nervously answered.  A bit worried since I received the emails from her mom I added.  She asked if I received the pictures too?  Pictures?!?  I went out of earshot of my children and spoke a bit longer....I heard of how the morning he was taken in, the neighbor, who she said didn't really hang out with him much anymore, called saying he was concerned about him.  His mom then went over that afternoon to find him passed out/sleep and was for some time after she had entered.  She said his arm we all bloody as he must have fallen when he was drunk, and I wasn't clear if the pictures were of that or the house, as she said it was just trashed with vomit and blood all over.  His mom apparently called her (his sister), she explained, not knowing if she should wake him and his sister thought she should, as for all they knew he could have hit his head or who knows what else...so she did and he won't agree to go get his arm checked out at an ER, so she called 911...thus the ambulance.  She continued on, explaining that when he was at the ER and his mom wanted him or the doctor wanted him to go to detox, he apparently ripped out his IV and ran down the hall...thus a police had to take him to the place he is at now.  She said something about blowing at .37something that many hours later once he made it to the ER.

SO how does one process all of this.  How does the mind, maybe I should preface it with the female mind work in matters like this.  It jumps back and forth between emotions is what it does.  A small part of you remembers him as we has back in 1990 when you first started dating and only reflects on the positives until the divorce...remembers all the good that could and at times did come from him and blocks out all the awful reality I also faced with him.  As a Christian, as a human, how can I not worry about him.  The thought of my old house.   Then, the voices from others around me recently, sound it that I am not married to him anymore...that I took care of him for all those years and now he has to learn how to do it on his own.  There is nothing I could have done or did do to cause any of this.  If anything, I have been told, I should be angry that he can't be a father, can be responsible, can't clean up his act and be able to take care of his kids.  Then there is fear, as we can't afford our home/life as it is now if we don't receive child support anymore.  If he doesn't make it through this, if he doesn't find a new job...how will we make ends meet?  Then there is anger at myself, that I haven't yet figured out a way on my own to support the kids and I without his support.  One positive a friends stated, that at least the children are with me full time right now, and they don't even have to know any of this is going on.  True, but at what point will he be in such bad shape I'll have to tell them.  At what point will he lose the house?  Or his life if he keeps up in this way.  Apparently he's just in the detox now and his mom is hoping he'll enter the impatient treatment, but if he's not willing too, I'm not sure how that will work either.

So many unknowns and yet I have to refocus, I was reminded today.  Getting back to work, not 100%, but healthy enough to be back, I was able to get out of the house and while part of the day my mind kept thinking we're going to lose the house, how am I going to tell the kids, what will happen to our puppy?  Now what?  I somehow got to a point that I was able to remember I was in this same boat when he lost his job at the start of summer and things were okay.  Also, that my priority should be that my children are okay.  Healthy, safe, amazing and that is truly what should matter.  If we have to face all that, we will, but I can't ruin today with all those worries if there is a chance they won't really come true.  Maybe there are other options I am not thinking of.  Maybe I should just keep praying and figure out how to make it through another day.  That is what I did and what I will continue to do.  Pray that God will once again, help us through this new obstacle in our life.

Hold on. God knows what he's doing....

Life is challenging, I get that.  Each day is a new battle, there will always be new obstacles, God never gives you more than you can handle.  I have quote after pinterested quote out there.  Tonight, while trying to cheer myself up, I came across, "Be Brave and Keep Going", "Hold On God Knows What He's Doing" and "Hey, Hang in there. I'm coming. -God"

How do you hang in there when you don't have the energy left to do so.  When you are checking online to see if your ex-husband, the father of your two kids has been arrested again or wondering how or who will be telling you he has died.  That's how I'm living right now. 

After two months of no child support, a deposit appeared in my checking account at the end of last week, so apparently he is or was alive and working.  We had our next court date next month, but after seeing online tonight that it is no longer there, that concerns me as well.

The last time we were in court, earlier this month, our lawyers spoke in what was suppose to be a private conference room before we went in front of the judge.  Well, yes it was the two of them, but even with the door shut, I was able to hear everything they were saying from where I sat in the hall.  Hearing my ex-husbands lawyer say, "I'm not saying he's using again, but he's not doing well."  Then continuing on, "We don't want him to lose this job now, as your client won't receive any child support then..."  Not the words you want to be hearing.  Then seeing him in such bad shape, when I actually saw him in the court room.  All the items that were suppose to be brought up, which he was in contempt for, pretty much were given one more date to turn things in by, a date which has passed for a few of them, yet I am afraid to call my lawyer, as I am so in debt from his bills already...

This past weekend was Homecoming for my children.  They had a great time dressing up in the school colors, going to the parade and attending most of the game.  Yet I didn't dare say to them, at this same time, was also my Homecoming, which I was not attending, our 20th Class Reunion followed that I also did not leave my kids to attend.  The invites, were all done via Facebook, not to mention all the pictures that were posted after it occurred.  I don't know if it was not wanting to explain where I was in my life, or that my ex-husband's counselor, or so he is saying, was in my graduating class and was there, or the fact that I don't look like I did back then.  Graduating under 110 pounds, tennis team captain, I am not today.

Wait, speaking of wait, I didn't blog since my birthday now did I, yes the week before was the last time I was in the court house and that very same challenging day, my mother explained on the phone to me that she and my dad felt my birthday money they would be giving me really should go toward Weight Watchers, as I am so unhealthy and overweight and need to get some help...she went on, I will spare you.  I finally said in disgust, "Well, my physical is coming up in a couple weeks and maybe I'll find out that the cancer cells didn't go away and I'll just die of cancer then!"

My physical, yes I survived that too, since I've blogged.  I did weight a little more than last year, but my doctor said she wasn't concerned about that, she pointed out my blood pressure 150/92, that she was concerned about and ordered a bunch of blood tests to be done.  With my (sarcastic voice interested here) LOVE of needles, well, that wasn't my day.  On a positive note, I did get the results back that all of my levels, for everything they tested, were in the normal range.  Also, the low-grade cancer cells no longer appeared from that test either.

So the week before my birthday I was actually reading a book on running, as I have so many friends that are great runners (is that a term?) and I know I could use fresh air, exercise, etc.  So I started running/walking and also, did sign up at Weight Watchers (have lost 2 pounds each of the last two weeks).  Is it cheering me up though, nope.

My doctor also asked if I have been speaking with anyone to deal with all of my stress.  Nope, haven't had time for that with the start of teaching again, the kids starting up school, flag-football, jazz dancing, leading my daughter's Girl Scouts and leading my son's Cub Scouts.  I barely have time to do the laundry let alone talk about my feelings.  Oh wait, for any of you concerned out there, I am doing laundry, the kids are not going to school in dirty clothes...well really I don't want to talk about my feelings, because when I do, like in the doctors office I break down crying.

It goes like this..."So work is going well..."  "Yes, I have a great group at preschool, I'm back to running the Birth-Three Ministry again..."  "Oh, that is perfect for you!"..."Yeah, I have my kids 24/7 now..."  "Yes, well that's a good thing."  "I guess, I mean I love them and I am glad they are safe and all but the reality of non-stop, no more breaks, no more chances to date, to ever meet anyone...plus he's not doing well, I mean it sounds like he's using drugs again and I can't, in over the 20 years I have known him, ever have known him to be sober a month, I can't imagine 12 months...he's never going to have placement again...I don't think he's going to live much longer..." 

Her response was, "So what.  He dies.  Is that the worst thing in the world?  You can't control that and worrying about when it will happen isn't good for you."  True.  I have been thinking a great deal about that lately.  I am not suppose to worry about when he is going to die...if he dies, I have to tell the kids, I'll have to be strong for them and help them through an awful thing.  Yet again, right now, having a Dad they don't see and don't know is using drugs and is an alcoholic, I guess that's not a great thing either.  I went from having harassing texts, and him making awful comment to my kids, which at time were repeated to me, having to worry about their safety, what bar they were at, what ex-cons were at the house while my kids were there...to worrying about having to tell the kids their dad is dead.  The thing is...I don't know when that day will be.  I just can't imagine living the life I discovered from the Case Study Report, that he was/is living, how much longer can a person's body handle all of that?  I don't want him to die, but I don't want my kids to ever have to go back to the situation they were in either.

This past weekend was not only the 20th class reunion, it was also five years ago from when I filed the divorce papers.  As I told the pastor I was speaking with earlier today...I can't believe it's been five years...that studies show a high number of people who are divorced are remarried within the first 3-5 years after their divorce.  Well, I'm not one of those statistics, am I.  But, I pointed out to him, technically it was just 3 years ago in May that it was finalized, so perhaps I still have 2 years left.  He gave me that look and reminded me not to believe in statics like that.  I went on though, pointing out once again, that it's been over a year since I went on a date and I can't imagine how on earth I am going to meet someone now in life...that I have been trying to have faith that God will bring the right person into my life...but then again I also realize I haven't been really in a "good place" emotionally to be able to start a relationship.  Having to deal with an ex going to jail, both of my dogs dying, my ex-losing his job (which if he hadn't found a new one, without child support, we could not afford this home anymore)...to another case study report, more court dates, a tree landing on our house...really, this year has been a bit too much for my patience.  So no, I haven't been in a very "good place" I suppose you would say.

I realized it must be bad if I can't even get myself to blog anymore.  Something about not feeling like I can't handle it all anymore, I just don't want to let on to the world.  I am suppose to be able to take anything, after the past five years I've lived through, right?  My pastor pointed out, really?  Really?  Do you think you are so much better than everyone else that you won't get exhausted by your life?  That you can keep up at your pace and not get worn down?  Okay, stubbornly I admit, I suppose I am human.  But as I pointed out, fall is my favorite time of year, I have my kids and should be able to enjoy this all right now...but as he also pointed out, I don't "have" to feel a certain way, to be happy and positive all the time.  I am human and can be depressed or sad...although somewhere in life I have been convinced there is something wrong with me if I feel this way.

So I do realized I have a roof over my head, food to eat in my kitchen, two amazing and healthy children asleep down the hall, apparently my own health and I realize I really should be grateful, I mean I am extremely grateful for all of this, but I guess I'm just tired out from hanging in there...waiting for what will happen next and not knowing how secure my tomorrow is.  With a close friend of mine going back to teaching this year, I feel like I've let my parents down, that I am not also back in the classroom, using my college degree and working full time, but honestly, I don't know where I would get the energy for that.  Maybe my parents think if I looked like I did before having my children, if I lost all sorts of weight I'd be happy, or find a new husband...but I just don't see that happening either.

I am feeling like this post is getting even more depressing, which I apologize for, as it's not the type of post that I like to share.  Hopefully my next one will have a happier ring to it.

Haven't heard a thing...

Does love, kindness, caring truly exist in a relationship like it does in movies and on TV?  Watching tonight's rerun of Grey's, seeing the love, hearing the words between Meredith and Derek...hard to believe I have watched them make it through their share of trauma in and out of the operating rooms and yet, the two are still in love.  Yes, I do realize they are characters, acting the lines they are given, but that's why I just have to ask.  What use to be my favorite movies, romantic comedies, they give hope, or an illusion at least that it does.  Yet, in real life, I have friends still, overall happily married after 14, 15, 20 years and more.

I just looked online, after posting my update on Facebook, that sure enough, I have been watching Grey's for 10 years now.  I remember watching it when my daughter was asleep in her crib, my husband out in the garage drinking with our neighbor, wishing my relationship was like the ones on TV, or at least that my husband had chosen me to spend the evening with.

I spent tonight, once the kids were finally asleep, going through the past ten years of Halloween pictures, as my daughter has decided she would like to join me in my favorite hobby, scrapbooking.  I ordered her an 8x8 album, that should be coming this week, as shes plans to make a Halloween book.  My comment on Facebook tonight you ask, "Tonight, I searched through the last 10 years of Halloween pictures, online, for *****'s first Creative Memories Scrapbook ****'s excited to be starting this week. Wow, it's amazing what can happen to a person in 10 years...memory lane is something else..."

Yes, looking back at my daughter's second Halloween, where my husband, at that time actually went trick-or-treating with us.  He was actually in the room, or pictures at least while she and I carved out her first pumpkin.  How does a person change so much over such a short period of time.  I suppose it wasn't that he changed so much, perhaps those couple years when she was first born and the first few year prior when we were first married was the change and then he went back to his past ways.  That I really don't know and can't control or change.

I believe the last time I posted, I was still in shock from reading through twelve pages of how awful things had become in my ex-husbands life.  After reading all of that and finding out that he was drinking when his mother was there supervising his visit with the children, all that could keep going through my mind is that he is going to die, soon.  He is not getting help, the report even stated he began regressing/slipping up again with cocaine this summer and now he really was back to drinking too.  I heard nothing the rest of that week and most of the rest.  It was after that, I received a letter in my mailbox from the case study worker.  Without quoting it directly, it stated that his placement was suspend until he has completed a thorough AODA evaluation and started recommended treatment.  After that placement of two, two hour visits with a professional supervisor and possible breathalyzers, alcohol/drug testing to continue during those.  Only after absolute sobriety for no less than 12 months, successful completion of comprehensive AODA treatment and following all placement related rules would allow for a motion to be filed to change any of this.

Wow, is all I could say.  In all the years I've know him, which is more than 20, I've never known him to go a week or month sober, I can't imagine a year.  I also can't imagine him having a professional supervisor around for a visit.  The only reason he started supervised visits was when I agreed it could be his mom.  It still doesn't feel like reality that I now have full placement of the kids and the thought is even more and more in my mind that he won't be alive much longer.  I let the local police know I was concerned for his own safety, not that he would come after me, but my concern is that he won't be able to handle the news of this letter, let alone handle the fact that all parties involved in this case received the 12 page case study report stating all the drugs, drinking, suicide scares, all the lies he send under oath now reported in quoted facts. 

I began searching on the legal website to see if he was in another accident, arrested, for all I know he may not even be alive right now.  I finally stopped in this past week, both to warn them of my concern about his own safety, out of frustration that all this drug activity is going on right here in town and to honestly see if they knew if he was still alive. 

I still haven't heard a thing, just when my next two court dates are in September.  I know I have not received child support since the first half of July,  I know my lawyer, before sent a letter to his lawyer regarding this, as he started his new job in June.  I also know my lawyer has been and still is out of town this week.  I know out of the seven contempt filings, none have been received and I can't imagine how my ex is going to cope with the reality of all of this.

As I told a friend on the phone yesterday, I am so grateful my children are not going over to deal with who knows what at his place anymore, but the reality that I am going to have them full-time, 24-7, I am grateful, but wow, no break, no chance to date, meet anyone...it was just a lot to process.  Not that I've had any time or energy to date this past year anyway, but now.  I realize there are babysitters, only my daughter is borderline old enough to herself soon.  It's just a lot to process. 

I still feel odd writing in the school schedule, flag football practices, dance practice, Girl Scout and Cub Scout events on the calendar without any blocked out times.  After five years of sharing holidays, every other weekend, it doesn't seem possible that they will just be here, be home.

Amazingly the kids are just enjoying the last few weeks of summer vacation, only a couple times questioning when they might see dad again, more asking when they'll see the new Lego sets, doll and video games he purchased them the last time they saw him. 

I am grateful the harassing texts have stopped, only I wish this bad feeling that I'm going to get news that he is in a hospital or worse is going to come would go away.  I don't want to have to tell my children their dad has died.  I was hoping that wouldn't happen for many, many years, but lately, from what I have been reading, I don't know anymore.

I have not blogged, as I don't know much right now.  I know the start of the new school year will be good for all of us in the house.  Both for the kids to get a break from me and see their friends again, and for me to have a few hours of adult interaction at work, as well as a few hours to myself each week.  I am blessed to be able to be going back to work at church, directing a night of mid-week ministry for children, teaching preschool, directing birth-three ministry as well as adding on some art classes this fall.  I was surprised to hear that a local coffee shop said my cards/artwork was actually selling and they could use more...I have another place interested as well, so finding time to direct some attention on my own personal art would be a good outlet as well.

I am so grateful for the prayers that were heard to keep my children safe, especially after hearing what all had been going on at their dad's place over the past year.  I just don't feel that things are 'okay' yet.

SCARY...a BAC of 0.42, heorin, cocain, oxycodone and more...

Trees.  Tonight I am exhausted from hauling, trimming and pruning trees in my backyard with my dad for three hours.  I appreciated his help, but it was suppose to be a quick stop over to trim two branches.  Life is often like that, right?  A quick task, in theory, doesn't end up quick or easy.

Since my last entry, the trees that fell across my front lawn and on part of my house are now all cleaned up and hauled away.  I am blessed I didn't have to do any of the work for that...I guess that is why I pay my house insurance payment every month.  Fortunately, the damage on the house was quite minimal, which is extremely had to believe if you saw what it looked like here after the storm ended.  We were definitely blessed.

The Sunday of that weekend, once the burden of the trees were lifted, literally, my former mother-in-law drops off the kids after their supervised with visit with their dad with the following comments.  She begins by a couple comments about the trees, then explains that she was told to let me know the children will no longer have health insurance when the month ends.  Okay, I respond, knowing this was a possibility, and begin saying I'll look into Badgercare or something, as I don't have an option to insure the children through my job.  She states quickly, well he will have insurance for them in a month, he starts his new job tomorrow, they just don't begin coverage until he's been there a month.  OH, he has a new job then, I respond in surprise.  Continuing on proudly, well yes, he had four offers, one with just too much travel, but this one should be a good fit...quite a bit less pay than before, but it will be in an office from 9-5, which should keep him out of trouble.  Was that her attempt to say he was having issues while working primarily out of his home in his former job?  Regardless, she explains that since I won't cover their insurance (which is his responsibility in the MSA), I'd better contact our GAL to figure out what will happen.  She also claims she had a good talk with the GAL the week before and thinks she'll be done supervising soon/that he won't need supervision/that things should be able to 'go back to normal' soon. 

SO...time goes on and I am reminded by my lawyer to stop by and check in with the local police to make sure they are aware that he is now driving his 4-Runner that does not have an inter-lock device that is court ordered, etc.  When I do this last week, not only are they unaware of this, the officer also gave me the correct spelling of my ex-husbands roommate who does indeed have a criminal record on-line for public viewing.  Sure enough, he's been arrested for possession of drugs/selling drugs and served 10 days jail time for that, also was since arrested for drug paraphernalia in his vehicle and multiple driving violations.  I make sure to pass this along to the GAL, but I know their report is due any day and didn't know if it was too late.

Sunday night comes, still no letter in my mailbox from the FCCS (Family Court Counseling Service) with the new placement plan, but my mother-in-law returns with the children this Sunday evening, explaining that she will not be supervising the next visit this coming week, as her son/my ex was violating one of the rules tonight.  She told me she thought he seemed a little bit "too happy" and discovered he was 'sneaking Vodka' in his drink.  She explained that the kids probably heard them fighting, as she told him she had to report this and he became quite upset that "she had turned to the dark-side too"  that she was going to narc on him and ruin him...etc.  I reminded her, that she is protecting her grandchildren is what she is doing.  When I told my lawyer of this Monday morning, he told me to immediately let the GAL know, worried she'd change her mind and not share the news.  He also told me he had the copy of the report now and made plans for me to come in today to review it and take the next step of action.  He did tell me one part, which he explained he had never heard in all the years of practicing law, something so horrific.  Today I read it too...  But first, I did receive an email back from the GAL yesterday stating he'd be taking action on the recent findings in the next 24 hours and that my his mom did indeed call him.

I made it in today to the lawyers office this morning and sat down to read the 12 page document.  First, on a positive note, as my lawyer also pointed out, there is nothing but positive comments about me being a loving, caring and wonderful mother, so at least I felt better about that.  What is scary is discovering in writing what awful shape my ex-husband was/is in.

It did state my concerns in the fall and my call into Child Protective Services in August, but the reported the allegations were unsubstantiated and the case was closed.  Then late in August he received his second OWI, which I did not find out about in later that fall.  In September, I had received texts that he was in bad shape, in the hospital and later texted there was no problem/that he was not an alcoholic, but then lter in September the local police were called on a suicidal report and found him to be OK and no action was taken.  In the beginning of October a medical record shows that he was in the ER for alcohol and opioid withdrawal.  Here is the scary part...

Following his 2nd OWI, (my ex) was given 45-day jail sentence beginning on February 13, 2012.  On February 8, per medical records, he went to the emergency department.  He was intoxicated with BAC of 0.42, and complained of chest pain with racing heart and abdominal pain.  He had reported a history of alcohol, heroin, and cocaine abuse, (the latest inhalation heroin use four weeks prior and last cocaine use a week prior), stating he had been drinking daily for the past 9 months and drinks about 750 mL vodka in addition to taking several tablets of oxycodone that he is able to find "on the street".  He reported to the medical providers that he throws up each morning and starts to get shaky until he starts drinking again.  He was treated for withdrawal symptoms and hypoklemia, and discharged on February 12.  He started his jail sentence the very next day.

Okay, if that's not scary....my kids were in his, dare I say 'care' most of those 9 months!

On an additional page, he also reported issues with his thyroid, blood pressure, potassium, anxiety and depression that require medical treatment or medication. He prescription medication list includes Lexapro, atenolol, gabapentin, levothyroxine, vitamins, potassium, Campral, Hydrodiuril, and Requip.  He indicated he was going to see a doctor ot adjust some of his medication, as he felt his anxiety was not in good control.  He reported he tends to drink alcohol to self-medicate, to treat his anxiety/panic attacks and depression, and he has decided not to do that any longer.

Really?

Another comment...(I) expressed concern about the negative things he says about her to the children.  It is apparent he is extremely angry with (me), blames her for everything that has gone wrong in his life, and his anger is likely to spill over and come out as inappropriate and disrespectful comments.  (I) reported the children whisper about things their dad has said about her.  Even the children indicated they are aware of dad trying "to get them on his side to be mean to mom" while mom reportedly tells them to be nice to both.

He feels (I) am doing everything I can to limit his time with the children, hurt him and get more child support.  He stated it seems (I) am vindictive, money-driven and absolutely hates him....it goes on..

His self-reported alcohol/drug use history hs several inconsistencies.  For example, in 2008 he he said he had never used cocaine.  In July 2012 he states he has used cocaine 2 to 3 times in the last 20 years.  He reported he "dabbled in cocaine" a couple of years back, later state his lst use of cocaine was earlier in this summer.  He has also been inconsistent when reporting his alochol use, generally minimizing his usage as compared to what his medical records indicate.

He staed he initially stated drinking due to ME and my problem, specifically my post-partum depression, and noted the drinking got worse during the divorce.  He also reported his work culture, always encourage alcohol use and there was a lot of peer pressure to drink.  In addition, he reports he has  tendency to drink when his is bored and lonely, and uses alcohol to self-medicate when experiencing symptoms of anxiety and depression.  He completed treatment in Newstart in 2008, although he stated he did not like the program and (claims) he remained sober for 15 months.  He indicated he then caved under peer pressure and started drinking again after a friend pointed out that he could just be a social drinker.

He reported he head used heroin approximately two years go and has abused pain killers as antidepressants, noting he did not "high" from them but got rid of depression.  When asked if he had ever bought during "from the street", he denied it, but then remember having bought pain medication, noting that his previous roommate was addicted to them.  He indicated his worst period of drinking was round the time of his hospitalization in February 2012.  However, the medical records show him reporting abusive alcohol use and withdraw symptoms to the medical providers in January, February, April and May of 2011.  On October 13, 2011 he had a follow-up visit after an ER visit for alochol and opiod withdrawal, where he reported he was drinking 750 mL of liquor per day and has been using suboxone bought from the streets to help with withdrawal symptoms.  He reported daily vomiting and nausea.

Eleven days later, on October 24, 2011, he again saw a doctor, reporting drinking every day and abusing Oxycontin ant 40 mg per day and suboxone bought off the streets.  He recognized he needed inpatient treatment and told the provider he will pursue it after his vacation.

As described on an earlier page in the report, when he was hospitalized in Feburary 2012, his BAC was 0.42.  He indicated his main issue for the hospitalization was hypokalemia, i.e., low potassium levels.  During the course of the hospital stay, impatient treatment was stronlgy recommended for him and he was intreated in going to ####.  However, it did not have an opening at the time and he expected to start his jail sentence for his 2nd OWI.  He indicated the reason for his extensive drinking in the fall and winter of 2011/2012 was the impending jail sentence that made him extremely anxious.  He indicated he was hopeful he could go to treatment instead of jail but the judge wouldn't allow it.  He also stated during one of his interviews that no specific recommendations were made for treatment while he was at the hospital.

During his first interview in May 2012, he reported that he ws not drinking anymore and had stopped "even before he went to jail" and noted that drinking almost cost him his job.  Based on the available information drinking could have cost him his life.  He reported he had contacted a therapist (not going to state his name, but it is actually a former classmate of ours from grade school).  He had scheduled an appointment with him in a couple of weeks.  He expected to feel comfortable with him as they grew up across the street from each other.  He indicated he was attending AA meetings and on a weekly basis.

In July, 2012, he reported he had lost his job effective July 3 and was hopeful to start a new one very soon.  He indicated he had seen his counselor three times and found him very helpful and was still attending AA meetings.  However, he also reported he had had relapses starting mid-June after he found out he was losing his job and had used cocaine earlier in the summer and later stated he was "kind of been slipping with the AA meetings".

OK...there is a bit more, but you get the jest of it.  One more sad summary statement...
He describes (me) as a money-hungry, vindictive person, who wants him out of the children's lives completely.  He denies he did anything wrong and indicates his "huge mistake" was getting the 2nd OWI.  He does not believe (I) had any reason to be concerned about the children or their safety, stating that she is just going from neighbor to neighbor spying and digging up dirt on him.  He does not seem to in any way associate his alcohol and drug dependency with my concerns, the current custody and placement dispute or other problems in his life, instead places the blame on (me).  He, for example, stted he life his job based on a mutual agreement, indicating that losing his job had less to do with his alcohol/drug problem then with me taking him to court and stressing him out.  His tendency to blame other and to be unaware or deny his role in contributing to and maintaining conflict was also noted by Dr. ### in his 2008 psychological evaluation report. 

ALRIGHT...after all of this, what did they suggest as the children's new placement schedule you ask?  Ready for this...

Every Wednesday night for three hours...every other weekend for 6 hours on Saturday and 6 hours on Sunday...not supervised, but with HIM required to arrange for a paid pop-in supervisor who would do random visits with no more than 1/2 hour notice to his home at least three times a month. 

WHAT????

Also, he should be allowed to have overnight placement on his placement weekend from Saturday until Sunday if his mother is able to sty with him.

Excuse me? 

Okay, so the lawyer and I drafted up a letter to the judge disagreeing with ANY unsupervised visits and no overnights.

Then...later this afternoon the response of him drinking vodka during his last placement arrived via email...

It disheartens me to write this letter, but I am writing to inform you that I am indefinitely suspending ####  placement with (my children) per my interim authority. It is my hope this will not be a lengthy situation, but I will need to convene with (the Case Study worker) to discuss this matter further. SHE is presently out of the office and will not return until next week.

At the forefront of this decision is information provided to me indicating HE was drinking alcohol during last Sunday’s visit with the children. This is totally unacceptable and contrary to the terms of the stipulated temporary order. I am further stating that HIS MOM will no longer be an acceptable supervisor for periods of placement with HIM. I would like to consider the utilization of a paid, neutral supervisor for subsequent visits with the children and will be exploring those options with (THE CASE STUDY WORKER) when she returns.

WHEW....a sigh of relief and then my dad calls about coming over to trim/saw/cut the trees...

A bit both physically and emotionally exhausted tonight, but feeling a bit more relieved than earlier in the day.  Not sure what will happen next, but sadly it doesn't sound like my ex is doing well or getting the help he needs.

I am blessed that the GAL came though and is keeping them safe for now, but once again I just don't understand the decisions the court/report makes claiming it's in the best interest of the children.

I'll keep breathing in and out and look forward to a day out of town with the kids tomorrow.

Thanks for reading, support and prayers.
Me

Seriously? A tree fell on my house tonight.

How long do you lay in bed wide awake unable to sleep?  First it was trying to find that comfortable position, then it was my racing mind, interrupted by my son asking if the storms were finally done and why can't it be tomorrow yet.  Yes, I'd like it to be tomorrow too, only after a good night's sleep that I am obviously not receiving. 

I had a positive mindset on tonight.  Dropped off my kids for their supervised visit with their dad, then drove into the city to get my oil changed on my minivan.  If it took the normal 45 minutes, I'd still have time to get dinner, read and journal about how well I'm doing 14 years after the day I got married.  I was optimistic, upbeat and didn't believe we'd actually get rain tonight let alone storms.  It hasn't rained in our part of the state for I believe over 20 days now.  The last two times it appeared in the forecast it completely missed us.  So I get to the service center and the man check my miles, etc asks if I noticed my flat tire.  No, obviously I hadn't or I would have brought it up, but I say kindly, no I didn't, is it possible for you to take care of that too?  Then he shows me that the treads are so low in the front, but worse here in the back.  To quote him, "You can't get much smoother than this unless your touching a baby's bottom."  Odd, but okay time to look at my book and enjoy the free coffee in the waiting area.  The man that then came over to have me sign the release for the oil change work to be done explain too that the tires were really getting low on treads and that they won't make it until fall.

I am starting to read and slightly distracted by the commentary from the television show with the modern version of "The Family Feud" on nearby.  The questions were just bizarre and I hadn't seen the show in years.  "If you husband tells you he wants a divorce on Sunday, what do you do on Monday?"  Really, that is a questions for the contestants?  So I get out my cell phone as I'm too distracted at this point to read and retain anything that is on the page in front of me.  I check email and then check in on Facebook to see a family's trampoline just blew away.  Then more comments about the rain, what a blessing, but the storms unwanted along with it. I finally called my parents that now live in the same town I do and asked them if the rain had let up, as my minivan was going to be done soon.  They were, but the winds were up to 70 miles per hour, blowing the roof off of the neighbors play structure and knocking over the trampoline from the house behind them.  They had blown over flower pots, plants, lawn furniture and were concerned my son's basketball hoop and knocked down...asking me to call them when I did get home and let them know. 

Soon enough, the man came over explaining the oil change was done but they couldnt' find a hole in the tire.  He said they filled it and also noticed my front headlight was out.  Really?  I guess I haven't been driving at night much lately , but okay.  He went back to find out more about the tire and to see if they replaced the headlight.  It was taking awhile and the storms were now upon us, with a giant wall of windows to my right and a lady seated nearby quite concerned that a tornado was about to hit us.  I called my friend in the next closest town to see if the storms had let up there yet, as I knew I had to drive right into them if I left now.  She said it was pretty calm there, just rain.  Then she asked how I was doing today, letting me know she was thinking of me as her kids and her cousins kids were at Olbrich Gardens were I was married 14 years ago today.  She was there, my personal attendant, or rather my personal life savor.  Yes, I was hanging in there, it really hadn't been too bad of a day, expect coming in tonight to discover a flat tire and now that I need new tires sooner than later.  We talked about a few other things and I finally got off the phone, noticing the time and realizing if I didn't leave pretty soon, I wouldn't be home for my kids to be dropped off.

The service man then explained that they couldn't find any holes in the tire, but it's possible it's a slow leak from between were the seams are?  Regardless, when I asked how much longer he thought I had on these tires, he pointed out that most people get new tires at the rating one better than I was at, that I definitely won't make it until fall and should probably get them done in the next month.  Great, so the money is just going to rain down from the sky for those?  Actually, I did come across, a couple days ago, the realization that the home equity loan I took out at that end of last year to pay off credit card debt, now has some money building up in the account.  Not a lot yet, but hopefully enough to pay for these tires.  So I try to remain optimistic and carefully as possible drive home on the almost flooded streets with my almost no tread tires.

As I drive into town finally, I stop in my local Walgreens to pick up milk for my son, as he lives on that stuff and I know we are out.  As I pass the photo corner, my photo lady starts looking for my pictures as I stop her saying, "Nope, just milk today, but dont' worry I'm sure I'll be in sometime this next week, as I am actually waiting until I have enough for the latest sale coupon."  Then I point out, as we usually chat, that I spent my entire 3 hours to myself at the car service reading storm update around here...I pointed out that at least two trampolines were taken by the winds...  She thanks me for thinking of it and gets on the phone as I pass by with my milk and head to the main checkout, saying that she'd better call home and check to make sure theirs hasn't blown away!

I drive into my neighborhood, proud that I have 3 minutes to spare before 8:00PM and notice a few branches and leaves in the road.  Then, as I turn the corner on my street I see our tree split down the middle, laying across the front yard into the sidewalk.  I slow down to a stop and take a picture with my cell phone, saying to myself, seriously?  Then, as I edge further and am about to round the corner into my driveway I think I lost my breath.  The huge maple tree, the one my kids climb up in and watch for friends, it had completely split too, this one with it's branches on the roof of my house!  SERIOUSLY I repeated once I caught my breath.  I park the minivan, got out and stared in awe close up as I looked to see, not really wanting to see, if the kids bedroom windows were okay.  Yes, they were...but I couldn't even see the roof.  In disbelief, I think probably talking to myself out loud, are you serious?  This can't be happening....I walked inside, scared and looked in both of my kids bedrooms, to see them both okay...then out the windows, as it was almost dark at this point, but I could see the gutter bowed a bit, that was it from that view.  I went back outside and quickly started to take pictures with my cell phone camera before it was completely dark.  I called my good friend I was just talking to and as she asked if everything was okay, "Well, no, a tree fell on my house."  I explained further and also explained my former mother-in-law would be dropping off the kids any movement and really should get off the phone.  She said she'd pray for me, remaining incredibly calm and then a car pulled up.  It was the neighbors a few doors down, asking if I was okay, if anyone was hurt.  I explained I had just got home and both the puppy and kitty were fine inside.  They said they saw the lightening strike up here, explaining how strong and then loud it was.  The guessed it hit the first tree I had noticed, from the way the tree split, it probably had.  As soon as they knew I was okay, they drove slowly off and before I knew it my kids were returning.  I could hear them from inside as they slowly pulled up.  I started saying before they even got out of her car, that their rooms were okay, that the house is okay.  The gutter looks a little bent, but we were lucky it feel on an angle like it did.  We were also extremely lucky the other tree landed sideways in the yard not directly on the house.  I spoke very briefly with their Grandma and she soon left as I took the kids inside to see that their things were alright.  She did say my son had a very difficult time with the storms, that he was quite upset.

Later, as the kids were talking about the storms at their dad's place, my son was saying his dad was teasing and scaring him.  He said he ran downstairs to hide from the storms but they laughed at him.  When we were outside and he was asking me who is going to cut the trees down?  He asked if he could be gone because chain saws scare him.  That once daddy turned on one of his really loud ones and was teasing him with it, but that's not okay, because I could have really been hurt!  I agreed it wasn't okay and told him he would not be hurt by any that fix our trees.  We were outside in the light rain looking at all sides of the trees, when my parents arrived.  I did call them as soon as the kids were in the house and they were going to be on their way they had said.  My dad thought the gutter and possibly the trusses? inside the roof might need to be fixed, but didn't think it would fall into the house any further tonight.  The kids were so scared to sleep in their rooms, that at first they wanted to go over to grandma and grandpa's to sleep, but after remembering my son is being picked up at 7:30 for a baseball clinic, they decided they could stay here and my son would sleep in my bed.  My daughter, convinced she'd be kicked out of the bed by her brother, dragged her mattress, blanket, pillow into my room to join in the sleepover.  Only the rain and storms didn't stop and as my daughter said, after coming out to the family room unable to sleep, "Mom, I usually love the thunder and lightening, but now I dont' like the lightening so much anymore.  I don't want it to hurt anymore trees."  She stayed out with me through the evening news, and among other things she was tiredly rambling about, she did say something about her dad and her grandma talking about daddy's new job for the company that worked for his old company.  That comment, I held onto with hope as I lay in bed tonight unable to sleep.  Maybe there is hope that he did get another job.  That my child support won't end and I won't have to figure out how on earth we are going to be able to afford this house, that now had a tree laying on the front of it.  I don't even know where to call first tomorrow, but I do know I at least left a message after giving up being on hold with my insurance company.  I know I'll take more pictures for them in the daylight tomorrow, and that things will look better as they always do in the morning.

Oddly, for the first time in a couple months, my ex-finance, that I had dated two summers ago, texted tonight, about the time my daughter was finally drifting off to sleep.  I texted back to his "hey there", "Did you hear too?  That on top of needing to buy new tires, that a tree landing on my house tonight?"  He texted back some questions and later said he was sorry to hear about all of my bad luck.  Funny thing is, as I was laying in bed over thinking his comment about the bad luck, I wasn't viewing it that way.  It was actually probably a good thing the kids and I weren't in the house to hear the trees break, that we are all safe and that the trees didn't do more damage than they did.  It is good that I somehow have been paying my insurance and that I've been through so many other challenges over the past few years that I practically laughed at this.  Really?  This I can handle.  A tree on my house is nothing after hearing, 5 years ago on my 9th anniversary dinner, that my husband didn't love me, never believed he had loved me and wanted a divorce.  Nope, not at bad as watching my daughter in tears talking to him on the phone while he was in the hospital about to go to jail, the night before her birthday.  Not even hearing the news that he lost his job, which might mean once again my world would change drastically in many way.  Tonight, I honestly didn't shed a tear, not yet at least.  If I can make it through all that I have in the past five years, hearing from local police that my ex and his roommates are selling/doing drugs last summer, hearing my ex was going to jail, that he lost his job, hearing from myself, why on earth did I ever love/marry/think I was going to live happily ever after with him.  Well, look at me now.  A tree on my house and I'm still standing strong.  Okay, not standing, slightly reclined typing at 2:20 AM on my laptop, but you know, not curled up in a ball crying like five years ago.  Nope, that old me would hardly recognize the me tonight.  That old me would be proud I think.