Breathing in and out is getting challening!

An hour and a half.  Yes, that's how long I spent on the phone with yet another police officer regarding my ex-husband tonight.  AHHHHHHH  Okay, it's challenging to type, to form sentences when you are so stressed, angry, upset, not sure what the right words is that I am looking for here...perhaps because there isn't just one.

Where do I even begin this time.  My head is just spinning, thoughts of anger, that I was worried about him this morning when I received the email, "In hospital again no kids tonight" in the message line with no email.  That was VERY unlike him, as the last time he went into the hospital, in the fall, he kept texting and emailing like crazy.  I have told multiple people that I know he is not in his right mind right now and that I can honestly see him trying to take his own life before going to jail.  When I told the Pastor I have been talking with, as I was on my way back into the office, he said, "This is good.  The kids are with you tonight, safe, where they should be.  He's probably in for treatment right, he was suppose to go yesterday you said for the appointment."  I walked away not viewing it the same.  After being a my desk a few minutes I went back in and said, "No, it's something else, he wouldn't have said it like that if that were the case, he would have said he had check-ed in, I know him better than that." 

It was bothering me, as I worked, as I left and picked up the supplies for the birthday party this weekend, my gut, it knew there was something else.  I kept looking at my phone for texts, for messages...when he gets stressed/etc.  In the last approximately five years since this divorce began he was either texting harassing messages when things got bad or suddenly confiding in me as if we were still together, perhaps because he had no one else to turn to/to tell.  Last Thursday's one line email and this morning's message...NOT like him.  Then again, I myself said, he is not himself right now.

Hearing the officer on the phone tonight say, they had a sheriff report to the house this afternoon on a 911 call...the officer didn't have access to who made the call as he was not on duty yet and didn't have access to the sheriff's CAD or something he said...the sheriff reportedly went on a not safety check, but something of the sort and it was said that his buddy Lee told the officer he would take him to to the hospital.  RED FLAG going off here.  It took me a few minutes of processing, listening to him explain this again to realize, it was like reliving the story of my birthday in September of 2008.  I was called by the local police station questioning if I was okay and concerned for my safety.  My ex-husband's mother had called 911 that time, as she feared he was going to take his life, the sheriff showed up and his buddy across the street said in the report (my lawyer had a copy of it we read) that he agreed to take him in to the hospital.  But he never did.

I warned, told the police tonight, I bet he's not really in the hospital right now.  This exact thing happened and no one took him in last time, he convinced his buddy not too.  I was so angry thinking that he lied to me this morning, that I felt sympathy/concern for him and he was there...it was sometime this afternoon that the sheriff came, received the call.  There is an extremely good chance he's still there.

Hearing the officer say, honestly, from one parent to another, you need to go after him when he's in jail and get your kids out of there.  I would not let my child go over there.  He agreed, as I said concerned, that I don't know these men that are living there now and apparently others are hanging out there.  I mentioned the first name of the new man that my daughter told me had moved in, has he had been kicked out of his apartment above a local bar...he wouldn't tell me what for, I didn't ask, but he has a criminal record, yes.  No, I am NOT sending my kids back there this weekend.

This was the officer who had sat in on my child protective services visit in the fall and said he watched as she fell right for his lines and lies.  I questioned him, is it that hard to see through him?  He has had enough encounters with my ex now that he said no, well, for anyone smart enough it shouldn't be.  Now too, he looks worse and worse each time I see him.  He looks sick. 

He is right, he looks awful, he is in awful shape.  I even told the officer that a part of me feels bad for him.  He stopped me right there and said, don't do that!  I told him, watching someone you've know for that long deteriorate like this, it's not easy. 

Okay, so he explained that once the senctencing is complete on Monday, I can get a summary of the report/case.  Then, I also found out it is possible to get a summary of all reports from the county sheriff's office regarding him, so I could indeed get the report of him threating my life again this fall, even if they didn't have enough evidence to arrest him.

I explained that I have had such negative experiences ever getting anything to be seen as it really is happening, that the justice system keeps working against me, not helping my children, that how do I have the faith in it to try again, to try to fight again.  He pointed out, the facts.  Now you have, or will have documentation of his criminal history over the past few years.  Getting another OWI, getting fired, just looking at him, he's sick.  There is a lot there now, Lisa. 

This is the second police officer in the past month who has told me directly, to get the kids out of there, go back for placement and do it now.  Last time, once I had time to step back from hearing everything, I really questioned if I had enough, how long before the recent arrest documentation would be available and if our local courts, who don't seem to stand up for the best interest of the children in my opinion, as of late, would really do something about things if I went back.  Hearing this second officer spell it out to me, it tonight, sounds like it's the only choice I have.

I still can't get over the fact that I believed he was in the hospital this morning.  I am so mad at myself for being so gulable...yet at the same time, that is what I needed though, right?  For him to not want the kids instead of me emailing saying I am not taking them over there and creating more troubles.

Hearing the officer say he drove right by my ex driving today...that he looked up the bond information after that and saw he wasn't allowed to drive.  Once again, it's just so frusterating to hear how much my ex continues to get away with, which just gets his ego going even more that he is invincible. 

Monday night, during our local Cub Scouts Meeting, I saw the wife of what use to be one of my ex's closest friends, and the neighbor across the street from him.  I honestly didn't know if I wanted to speak to her as I made it through the weekend on the statement, "Ignorance is bliss".  Once again, it holds true.  She questioned when he actually leaves for jail, as he has five or six cars out in front of the house every night now.  I told her that I had received the email stating "I may have just lost my job" and heard nothing since.  She said she had heard he was asked to resign.  Either way NOT good for my life situation.  As she continued to share that he showed up at the local bar this weekend bragging or commenting how he was "drunker than a ...." and wouldn't give her husband the time of day.  Just retyping it is so infuriating.  According to his bond set in November he is not to enter any bar!  He is not to drink! 

When I told her I was nervous about sending my children over there tonight or this weekend, she repsonded right away, there is no way I would.  I went back to the table my children were seated at so overheated, upset and concerned all at once.  I came home, got them to bed and right away type up a message to the local police that I have been working with, explaining everything I had been told this evening.  Also adding, that if he truly did lose his job, which it is sounding like he did, then he lost his idenity, the one thing he fights for to keep.  If that's gone, no telling what he's going to do now, which concerns me greatly.

I waited to hear back from the officer yesterday, but knew that the local police work in shifts and I didn't know the next time she'd be on duty.  Then, last night, I received an email from the police in charge of the town my ex lives in, saying he had heard from the other officer and was wondering my concerns.  I discovered he too was off duty at the time but asked me to email him, which I did.  Then this morning, when I received the email about being in the hospital, I forwarded that to him too.

Tonight, right before I was putting my children to bed, I received an email from the officer asking me to call him.  Which is when I discovered all that I began typing in this entry tonight.

I am so twisted and conflicted with emotions and feelings right now.  I think part of me foolishly, optomistically would have loved for my ex to be checked in, getting help for his alcohol and what sounds like drug issues...thinking how much easier life could be if he did get help, he did turn things around...reality is, that is not very likely.  Reality is I need to once again become even stronger, continue to fight...as I posted on Facebook right after getting off the phone tonight, the image from Meg Ryan's movie, "You've Got Mail", when she finally got the inner strength to fight for her mother's store, she declared, "It's time to go to the mattresses!"  Well, alright, that's a bad anology, as she lost the battle, but I felt that surve of energy from within.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27:14  was read to me moments ago on the Daily Audio Bible Podcast.  It was already highlighted in my bible from the past but tonight, it was important enough not only to be highlighted, but to be my Facebook post and my title for this entry.

Yesterday.  Yesterday I woke up excited, filled with joy.  Yesterday I got my children up, feed, ready for school and sent on their way with an extra dose of love and energy.  I was about to drive my minivan again, that had been in the shop since my icy slide off the road into a stoplight and it was back and looked as good as new.  I was about to leave in my clean, like-new minivan to drop off my first set of note cards I sketched that are being sold at a local coffee shop in Madison.  I got up the courage to sketch, create and most importantly inquire as to if and how I could go about selling my artwork there.  The day before, I was blessed with kind words about how beautiful my art was, received information, a contract to sign and was told I was welcome to bring in my work as soon as I'd like.  As if driving away from that conversation wasn't joy-filled enough, my excitement lead to a Facebook post with an overwhelmingly high response of positive feedback...I had no clue that many of my friends actual read my posts!  I went to bed feeling so blessed and here I was about to drop off my first collection of cards.

I made it, they are now on display and I continued on to arrive early at my job, teaching preschool yesterday.  I was beaming with joy, which I hadn't been for awhile, I sang along excitedly with the songs on Life 102.5, the Christian radio station I listen to for hope and today to share joy with.  They spoke of the Rock-and-Worship Roadshow appearing in Madison this weekend, which I had plans to attend with friends.  Yes, I was glowing from the inside out. 

Then, life happened.  After a more challanging than usual morning with the 3 year olds, I went back to my office to prepare for my evening K-5 Ministry Program when I briefly scanned through my person email on my cell phone.  There it was, the message from my ex-husband, "I may have just got fired".  I looked up, listening, trying to listen to what my co-worker and friend was sharing with me and had to do a double take...she asked what was it...I said I can't process that right now.  I told her and then again said, no, I can't deal with this now.  In a daze I walked into another good friends' office, looked and her with no more joy beaming from me and said the words I had just read.  NO, she said in shock, she reminded me he likes to play mind games with me, he used the word 'may have' and could very well be trying to scare, upset me again.

I tried to continue on as if I hadn't read what I just had read but it didn't work so well.  I posted sarcastically before shutting down my lap-top, "Lord, could you please give me 24 hours of joy before my new challenge?"

I made it to our other campus, got everything set up for the evening and returned home to be there when my children got off the bus and prepared to head back into town for the evening.  My son came in the front door not looking so good, said he had a bad headache and didn't feel good...sure enough he had a temp a little of 100.  We had no choice at that point but to go into work/church and I found a room where he could lay down with a blanket and I could come back and check on him...which I did and found him sound asleep soon after.  We made it through the evening, home, to bed and with each child did our usual prayers, not daring to lead on at all what I was fearing inside.

Funny, how yesterday morning, I was so looking forward to blogging last night, sharing how it was exactly 10 years ago 02-02-02 that I was past my due date with my daughter, hoping the fun combination of numbers would be good luck and she would finally make her appearance in the world.  I was thinking as I drove to work how blessed I am with a home, beautiful children, a good job, amazing friends...how I am making progress at budgeting and making healthy choice eating now and how much I am enjoying my work on growing spiritually as well.  I would never have imagined I would be driving in to display my artwork 10 years ago, would never have dreamed all that the last 10 years have brought and the good place it has brought me too.

My close friends, who have been along side this path, road I been on through the past five years now (well five as of this summer), knew exactly what that message would mean if it were true.  Prior to my divorce, I was a full time mom, with a husband who made over $100,000.  I can tell you from experience though, that money can not buy happiness.  It certainly would make a lot of things in life a lot less challenging right now if I had more of it, but the point is, regardless of the size of my home, the fact that I have to live on a budget now, my children and I are in a much better place.  That being said, half of my money right now, that I live on, comes from child support.  I realized that if an ex-spouse loses his or her job, it does not mean they don't have to pay child support, but reality is, there won't be direct deposits and the checks every three months that go along with that to pay my bills.  If that money no longer comes in, we will not be able to afford our home, to pay all of the bills, it is a scare thought that I have not ever wanted to face.  In the past I have not ever needed to face either, because part of the core of my ex-husband's identity is his job title, that and his salary.  Even through all the drinking and other toxic behaviors his job is the one thing he clings onto for dear life. 

The week is going to be challenging enough before I had received that text.  My ex husband will be going to jail a week from Monday.  For how long is yet to be determined until his final sentencing on that Monday, but his plea deal was from somewhere around 30-45 days.  He was already scared for his life, for the thought of all of this, as he shared in emails over a month ago and other emails/messages/behaviors lead me to belief that fear/anxiety and who knows what kind of other behavior is on intensifying.  This could very well be why he sent me that message and may have been saying it purely to upset and scare me, as he is having to feel scared and wants me to suffer too, that would be normal for him, sadly.  He did not take the kids like he was suppose to this past Wednesday, which was more than fine with me as I know now that another man also began living at his house who got kicked out of the apartment above the local bar in town apparently, my daughter had told me. 

I did take the first step and email him, asking him if and how he planned to tell our children where he was going or what happened.  His response was to yell at me and not give me an answer.  I have already spoken to my Pastor, my daughter's guidance counselor, a local police officer who is also a parent and all of them said that my almost 10 year old really need to be told, honestly what is going on.  I know I will need to do that this week, and share it separately with my 7 year old son.  This will not be easy, but with God's help giving me the words, we'll get through it. 

I told my Pastor and honestly the police I had spoken with a couple weeks ago, that I truly don't know what will happen to my ex-husband this last week before he has to go to jail or how he'll make it through his time in jail.  He is a workaholic, alcoholic and apparently is into drugs now too.  I have been told they have people there that are familiar with people going through withdrawal, but I know from seeing his past anxiety attacks, that they are strong and scary.  I was with him for almost 20 years, and a part inside hurts for him, for the loss of who he was at one time, for how much he has self-destructed and fearing for what will happen to him next.  Sadly, he refused all his life and I am assuming now too, will refuse on psychological help as he has relatives who suffered from bi-polar disorder and toward the end of our marriage were very concerned about his actions/behavior, wanting him to seek help and treatment.  He chose to self-medicate with alcohol.  I finally got to a place, through counseling and prayer, where I realized I could not save/help him and that I was not going to allow my children to be raised in a home where things were as they were. 

I don't know how he will get better or if he will.  Someone said, maybe now he'll hit rock bottom and things will go better.  I just don't see that happening, yet I still pray from him to be saved.  After receiving an email from him saying he was in trouble, wait, I believe it was "someone narked on him" for having alcohol on his breath at work, right before Christmas...during a time he was on bail for his second OWI and told not to drink as a part of his that bail.  Never has he respected authority or the law, in all the years I have know him, I don't see that changing now sadly. 

So this morning, today, I was home from work with my son, who is doing a bit better but with the fever, I couldn't send him to school...I had time to sit and let things sink in a little...also time to start googling online what other types of jobs I could do with my degree in elementary education.  I know, after trying last summer, that getting a teaching job in Wisconsin again is a very challenging thing.  To get one this time of year, that won't happen.  So what else could I do with my degree, experience of 6 years on the classroom, a little over 3 of being a full time mom, then Directing a Preschool Ministry, K-5 Midweek Ministry at church as well as teach preschool and run summer Vacation Bible Schools...  I searched for a little bit and then was reminded that during my divorce, when I needed to find work and still had my three year old son home with me, that God provided me with a job...I didn't even apply for it, I was asked if I would be willing to take it on.  It was a perfect fit as my son could come with and daughter who was in school could come with on Thursday nights and in the summer.  It was truly a blessing.  So why waste the time home with my son, who instead I could be cuddling with and focusing on.  For all I know, my ex-husband hasn't lost his job and I am worrying for nothing.  But being proactive, I was trying to look into options, as sadly it may become a reality before too long here. 

At least I went from the mind set yesterday of I can't deal with this, shock, worry, concern as to where the kids and I will live, to the reality that there may be another job out there for me so I won't have to rely on his salary to make ends meet.  So I am seeking and most importantly praying.

On that same note, I am still praying as to what I am suppose to do about placement/custody of our children.  Each time I hear more about the situation over there or the state of my ex's life, I feel more and more like I need to get a lawyer and go back to keep my children full time if not more than 70 percent as it is now.  I also know I do not have the money to do this, so I am praying to God for understanding and guidance as to how to handle all of this as well.

I posted a photo with a quote on it, that I found last night on Pinterest..."the LORD will fight for you; you need only BE STILL" Exodus 14:14.  A couple kind friends already put comments under it to me.  I am so truly blessed with so many loving friends (and you too sister!).  I am so blessed with amazing children.  As my children and I say each night, "thank you for a cozy bed to sleep in, clothes to wear, food to eat, toys to play with, books to read, bears to hug..."  We are blessed.  As one of my wonderful angels said tonight, "You're so right, Lisa! And you have more blessings and peaceful days coming. Hang in there!"

Being as still as I can...until next time I blog....

Do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight...

My son (I'm hearing daughter as I reread this to you), do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight, preserve sound judgment and discretion;  they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck.  Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble.  When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.  Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the LORD will be at your side and will keep your foot from being snared.

Proverbs 3:21-26

Do not let wisdom out of my sight...no, I can honestly say it's not too far these days.  I am doing all I can to take in, to absorb from the bible, from books that are being put in my path...even going to the point of questioning the three women in my office this morning, "Are we ready for our theological discussion of the day yet?"  Perhaps I should explain here that I do, now, work in a church, happened to be sitting in a Children's Ministry office at the time...

I questioned a couple different people today what their "thoughts" on The Holy Spirit is.  As growing up, my church, which happened to be a UCC, United Church of Christ, never happened to discuss it, or if it did, it was so brief, I daydreamed my way through it, which for me, in matters like this, probably wasn't the case.

SO, here I am in my mid...okay late 30s trying to make some sense of all this.  It was wonderful to see the responses of both of the two people I chose to bring up the topic with, both of which I plan to discuss it in more depth at another time.  I am not sure if it was in reading the book, "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan, this past week or a verse in the Bible, or finally finishing the reflection section of "The Search for Significance" by Robert S. McGee, but something got me searching, online, asking around....my Internet searches got me to the few places in the Bible where the Holy Spirit is actually discussed as well as a couple books.  Due to our amazing technology these days, I was able to preview some of a couple of the books online, one of which two different people on the Daily Audio Bible form suggested today.  So my next book to tackle in my quest for wisdom and understand (along side my daily quest in the Bible this year) is the book sitting next to me.  "Forgotten god:  Reversing Our Tragic Neglect of the Holy Spirit."

God works in mysterious ways, doesn't he?  One conversation today was regarding if the person I was speaking with thought the Holy Spirit is always within or if he comes and goes.  We discussed that he is always in our heart, but it's not always that we are listening, or are willing to accept what is being offered to be heard.  I agreed with the comment the other said, actually both had said, that sometimes it's through music, through nature, through the Bible, through comments another person says to you, that we are receiving guidance and understanding of what to do, how to live our lives and honor God.

On top of the joy I am finding on my journey, I have to be honest here, that my life right now is also through a bit of challenges my way...well, they haven't ever ended as they are like a pot of water, that at times keeps containable and yet lately, the lid isn't staying on so well.

At work today, I also decided to share some of the extremely odd email messages I have been receiving from my ex-husband over the past week.  After so many years of dealing with issues, I feel like I am just bothering people by sharing yet more that are coming up/to light, but sometimes it is hard to tackle them on your own.  Before I continue, I realize I am not on my own...I have been praying for guidance, I have been using one of my closest friends in the world to received each email, both as a sounding board/to make sure I am right on feeling these are not okay, as well as for documentation, so that if something were to happen to my copies, which has happened before, I have a back up.  The latest messages, included a video that was just bizarre, which my ex-husband wanted me to share with my daughter, as he sent it to make her laugh.  Yet seeing it, he was miss-treating a cat in the video...and laughing about it, explaining in the message that accompanied it how much it makes her laugh each time he does that.  As I watched other's react to it today, I was reminded what an un-healthy environment I have to send my kids to 30 percent of the time.  Then other messages followed, a slue of them Friday night, some extremely rude/uncalled for.  As the same co-workers pointed out, they are manic and just messed up, this man needs help.  I am well aware of this and I know in a few weeks he is going to be sentenced to at least a month in jail for his most recent OWI.  After hearing the great concern for the two people I was speaking with at work, both questioned again why I can't have full custody, why are they allowed to see him/spend time with him.

I explained/reminded them that I had went through the Child Protective Services at the beginning of fall and wasn't successful.  I went back to court to get a new restraining order, as the old one had ended, and, probably due to the fact I didnt' have a lawyer, was unable to receive one, yet the judge did call his actions/behavior extremely inappropriate and told me to take up some of the issues at that time with Family Court.  Which again, brings me back to not having money for a lawyer, still be in more dept than you can imagine from the divorce itself which ended in May of 2009. 

On the way home from work, processing all that I was told/discussed today, I felt the need to keep driving through the round about past my turn and to the police station, where I was pleasantly surprised to find out the office that was familiar with my past cases was on duty.  We talked for the brief half hour I had before my children would be coming home from school and was feeling a bit more concerned for their safety after we both updated each other on things since we last some this fall, as well as a stronger feeling that I should look into custody.  The next step I took was to send her copies of all the messages as well as plans to talk more tomorrow.  I also finally got the courage to email my daughter's guidance counselor to start explaining some of the issues that are reality in our/her life right now.  As well as to ask for guidance as to how to approach the subject that her dad is going to jail, as neither of my children have a clue about this yet.

I have always and still want what is best for my children.  I have not told them anything of all the police related events I have had involving their dad; the restraining order; the awful things he has said and done; the drugs and alcohol issues; I can go on and on but I am not typing to get pity or sympathy...just to state that in their own time, I figured they would form their own opinion of their father.  As long as they were safe while they were there, I know the man I had started dating over 20 years ago, that he had some great qualities and hopefully they would experience them too.  Sadly, in the past six months, it has been a process of watching him self-destruct.  I honestly don't think he is okay right now.  Whether that is due to mental issues that he is not getting help (medicine/counseling for) or if he really is still using drugs and/or alcohol...

As I began the entry tonight with, not letting wisdom, which I am in a constant search for, have been for years...and understanding out of my sight...preserve sound judgement...okay that last one...I dont' want to judge how my ex-husband is living his life, as it is no longer my worry, yet in a way it is, as my children are still spending time there tomorrow night for a few hours and this weekend...so I am doing what I feel in my heart is what is right and am trying to get help, again...maybe this time I have enough filed up to help them legally.

Sorry, I rambled on about my "hidden" issues more than I had planned...I will be back soon with more reflection and learning about my new book and conversations I have with others on the workings/understanding of the Holy Spirit in my search for wisdom.

The journey through a book

So I set out into this new year not with resolutions, but on a journey.  To improve/strengthen myself in terms of getting more exercise, more sleep, eating healthier foods, spending more time growing spiritually, having more patience with myself so I can do so with others.  I think I have done pretty well the first half of the month.  I am definitely eating healthier, getting more sleep, improving how often I work out, but can still use some work on that.  The part I am most excited/proud of is the work I am doing growing spiritually.  I have discovered the best way for me to finally go through and read the entire Bible in a year.  By listening to the pod-casts on my computer each evening, or whenever it works best into my day, I am reading along in my Bible and enjoy listening to a brief summary placing what I just read/heard in context of the world back when it was written.  I have never read through the Bible before, but believe it will only deepen my understanding and help strengthen my faith.  Along with reading/listening, I also just finished reading the book, Passages:  How reading the bible in a year will change everything for you  by Brian Hardin.  He is the man who began pod-casting the reading of the bible six years ago, as he worked in the recording/music with Christian music and was doing it the first year to keep himself accountable for making his resolution of reading through the entire bible.  Not only did he do so, but in a few months, a website was set up with interactive chat rooms to discuss the readings.  Prayer rooms, or links so that you can state a pray request or find someone to pray for around the clock.  He found such positive, amazing results in his own life with this experience, that he continued on the following year and the years to follow due to all the positive feedback from others, all over the world.  He can now be heard in all different languages, travels around the world with his wife at times, to meet, share/listen to stories from lives touched by his ministry.

In December, 2011, his book was published and a review of it in a Christian magazine I enjoy reading, it what brought me to all of this.  I just finished reading this book yesterday and it was wonderful.  What was also amazing was that the message I read Saturday night in the chapters I had just finished was the same message that I was hearing my pastor share in church yesterday morning.  It was about allowing yourself time, silence, a chance to listen for God speaking to you.  Whether it be through the written words in the Bible, through the spoken word, or through words that others say to you.  Some believe God is always trying to speak to us, if we only allow ourselves to listen, to become aware of his help and guidance.  Our pastor said yesterday that when she decided to go to seminary, she never had that magical experience that some do, where God actual speaks directly to her.  But she believes it was God speaking to her through others, friends and family that brought her to where she is.  A story she told also gave a example of a women who continued to pray through a challenging time in her life and didn't understand why God wasn't answering her prayers...come to find out he was, just not in the direct way she was expecting.

So I was trying to decide what it was about this book I liked so much, so that I could summarize it for you today.  Of course I enjoyed the gray boxes from real people who had experienced change in their life, with each unique example, but I don't think I'd suggest the book based on that.  I think it is the way the author speaks of his own real life. 

I considered the poverty of the semi-agnostic life I'd been living.  Let's be honest:  Isn't that pretty much how many of us live as Western Christians?  We acknowledge God and possibly even go to church regularly.  Perhaps we even donate generously.  But when push comes to shove, what kind of spiritual foundation do we really have?  pg 18

He was right, I was, I am searching for that foundation.  So that when I talk with others who are not sure, questioning Christianity, I am better informed to discuss with them.  Not just that, but to understand that others, thousands of years ago faced hardships and survived/thrived with the help of God. 

The Bible isn't hocus pocus and reading it doesn't give you magical powers, but it does reveal to you who you really are and illumines a path that you were created to walk.  When I began to believe its words and obey its instructions, life began to align with what it said, and this has made all the difference.  My heart has been transformed completely.  I find myself passionate about hings that previously seemed drudgery.  The neon blinking lights of culture do not seduce me as they once did.  I have little use for the plastic life that makes many promises but rarely delivers anything at all.  pg 26

The Bible isn't a magic book of ancient wisdom; it's a book about life and about God's love for you....The Bible will challenge you to reorient your life to God and will offer you the life you were created to live-which may not be the life you are currently in.  What you'll find is the utter relief of truly trusting God and finally believing that although his ways are beyond us, he actually knows what he's doing.  He really does love us, is present and wants authentic life to be our everyday experience.... pg 43 

He continues on explaining that we will receive hope, peace, correction, guidance and self-discipline, life, maturity, and a friend with endless benefits.  Brian explains that the Bible must be approached a as story through God's people through history and reminds us it hasn't ended, that we too are a part of it.  He stresses that the Bible wasn't made for you to open and magically be drawn to a couple words for guidance, but rather you need to read and absorb, take in and process. 

The Bible is a book of examples, not a book of exceptions.  The characters in Scripture are unlikely heroes....The Bible isn't devoid of utter humanity and frailty.  The heroes and heroines on its pages were all ordinary people who, with God's help, did extraordinary things.  All the grit of life is in the Bible because all the grit of humanity is what brings the biblical context to life....This is the story of the people of the Bible.  This is our story.  pg 71

Again, I loved the way Brain helps us to take a different perspective at what we are reading. 

If we're going to grow into the maturity God has designed us to have, we must modify our thinking.  We must begin to think in terms of wholeness, connection, and integration-about the proverbial forest as well as the trees.  This is a stark contrast to modern culture, which has us parsing life into small, disconnected elements that we can arrange and rearrange to fit our circumstance's. pg 72

For Scripture to have the impact we long for and to bring us the life it promises, we have to be willing to follow wherever it leads us.  This is going to wreak some havoc on our best-laid plains--especially for those of us who gauge our value with checklists and efficiency quotas.  But is also the only way to discover genuine life...We dont' merely read the Bible; we live it.  That's how we experience life with God.  Life on earth is not a waiting game.  pg 101

This is the last part I'll quote for you....and then I'll explain why I did...

His commitment to making space in his life to listen to God was a vital component of his life and ministry. (referring to Jesus) Trying to keep up with the speed of the world we live in and dealing with the endless distractions and obligations pressing in on every side of our lives threaten the very core of who we are as spiritual beings created in the image of God.  In the midst of this kind of life, what would happen if we sat still, even just of five minutes?  No texting, no phone calls, no email, no television, no radio and no Internet.  What would five minutes of distraction-free silence be like?  What about ten?  Fifteen?  At what point would we be ready to crawl out of our skin?  Our discomfort with silence, with stillness, reveals how addicted we are to motion.  It shapes and defines us.  We dont' want to be alone without the comfort of something to do, a distration within arm's reach.  Yet, if we are unwilling to withdraw to a solitary place---to make sacred space in our lives for God---we will never be quiet enough to hear the whispers of guidance we need to simply survived, much less experience life to the full.  pg 102

That, my friends, is what stuck out most in this entire book.  That was, as Oprah calls it, the "ah-ha" moment.  Trying to mediate, to relax at the end of yoga class, trying to be okay with not having places to go and things to do...that is my and I think many of our biggest challenges.  Because, being alone all weekend without my kids this past weekend, with no plans, no other people to talk to, that is what you have to face the silence.  Silence is something I've always been scared of.  Yes, I have the TV on many times for background noise...or I am sitting with my laptop searching Facebook, Pinterest or just finding anything to do so that I won't have to be forced to just be, with my thoughts.  That is why I don't go to bed until late hours at night, until I am ready to fall asleep sitting up in my chair, as I know if I go to bed any earlier, I'll be faced with that stillness, that silence.  I have grown up in that Western/modern culture where we always have something that can distract us if we so desire. 

Forcing myself to face the silence, that is that scary part, but why?  I think because all the thoughts, worries, anxieties about my life come rushing to the front of my mind, overwhelm my head with stress and concern at times.  But reading and listening to the passages of the Bible each night, taking time to thinking about what is being said and how I can apply each lesson to my life, that gives me another way to face the silence.  To become stronger in my faith and understanding that I shouldn't be waisting energy on those anxieties anyway, as God will take care of me and to instead listen to what he has to say, that is where I should go when silence arrives.  It is not what we are use too.  Giving control of our problems in life to God and it is not something we release easily.  I have gone in spurts, the past few years, of having faith, giving over my troubles to God and having the faith that he will help me through the tough times and help me discover joy in life again.  Why is it that we are so easily taken away from being at that level of faith?  I guess that is part of being human.  Doubting, being sucked into beliefs that it wont' get better, I won't be okay, allowing fear to get the better of me.

Instead of using this blog entry to update you on my challenges in my life, as I used up eleven pages in my journal Saturday night writing about how concerned I was about things, I decided to instead give them to God and have faith that he will take care of those things.  As Brain Hardin said at the end or start of one of the pod casts I recently listened to, what if we take this Bible and believe it, hold it to be true, have faith in it, if only for one year, imagine how life changing it could be.  After the last year in my life, I am ready to journey deeper into a better understanding of my faith, in Christianity.  Who knows where it will take me...

It has begun!

What a difference a year makes.  Moments ago, I looked back at what I had typed on my 1-1-11 blog post and just reading it began taking me back...yet fortunately I could click on New Post and start again, start anew start with a clean slate.  As I was sitting here trying to figure out just how to start this post, I am pulled back to a conversation I had with my daughter last night, on the way to celebrate New Year's in Madison, she questioned why do we celebrate New Year's?  Why is it called a holiday?  Does it have to do with the Bible, like Christmas Mom?  She had a very good question, as she often does, and after stumbling around with my response, I came up with the fact that starting a year is like a clean slate, a chance to start a new year and maybe try new things, or try not to do certain things.  I explained that some people make resolutions, things they are going to try to improve or change about themselves or their behaviors or create new goals.  But then pointed out that you don't have to, it's a choice.  This morning, driving them to their Dad's so they can spend the rest of their weekend with him, (as it was my year for New Year's) I questions if things looked different now that it's a new year, if it felt different.  Nope, it all looks the same out there, they both responded, but after having quite a few more New Year's then they have, it did feel a bit different to me.

I didn't make any official resolutions myself.  I know the odds that people who make them don't keep them.  But I did view today as a new chance on life.  I associated so much difficulty, negativity to last year, to a point where I lumped up the entire year to a wash, a bad thing.  Really though, it wasn't.  I was blessed with so many wonderful moments with my children, my friends, with kids through church that I worked with, through walks and photograph's in nature, with time alone learning more about God and about myself.  Yes, it was a year filled with more challenges that I had wishes for, but I made it.  Perhaps that's why it felt so good today to look at a new calendar on my fridge.  It was like a reminder that I made it and now new wonderful things can happen.  Truly, if you were positive, optimistic enough, you could view each day, each week or month in this way, but for me, right now, it was the dropping of that ball on TV, the hugs from both of my amazing children and then hugs to my two loyal dogs that made me feel so proud, excited, happy.  Yes, this year, I didn't enter it with tears, I entered it with smiles, filled with joy.  That was my one resolution I had made last year...a search for joy.  I suppose I did reach it...as last night and today, even after I had dropped off my children at their Dad's, it was still there, inside of me, joy.

I am entering this year with a different take on life.  Without setting official goals, as they still scare me, I do hope to focus on staying healthy, taking care of myself, as well as my children.  I want to eat healthier, to get more exercise, gradually, I want to feel confident in myself and I am getting there.  I want to model these behaviors so that my children learn them as well.  I want to be in the present, to enjoy the present, each day as best as I can, instead of wasting my time worrying about things I can not change or control.  I am getting there, it's a process I know, so I want to continue on that path.  Again, that's why I dont' want to create goals or resolutions because I know I'm a work in process and that I'll always have a lot to learn along the way.

At the end of this past year, I finally got the courage or whatever you call it to start sketching again, to get out some paints and try creating something on a canvas.  During a movie I watched a couple days ago, "The Art of Getting By", the high school senior was struggling with what to draw, the paint, for his final art project...the other students would say how talented he was, but he just could get himself to draw, to put something on that canvas...his art teacher said something to him...I wish I had wrote it down now, something about it doesn't matter what you do, just get started, start the process and it will come...if you can get yourself to start, you can create it maybe you won't like the first thing you make, but you've started the process, you've begun and got the your creative juices flowing and can keep going until it evolves to where you want it too.  Okay, I don't know how much of that was said or just taken in by me as I was so easily taken back to that same place...to my senior year, where I too was asked my the Talented and Gifted coordinator in our school to created a mural and I just couldn't do it.  I felt too much pressure and I just wasn't strong enough, good enough, I didn't have enough self-esteem.  Somehow, with great patience, I did take on an oil painting class and did have my work chosen for a Madison art show...I just didn't feel I had talent, I couldn't see what they were seeing.  I was so concerned about getting approval from others, of people liking me and what I did that I just couldn't risk criticism. 

Now, as a mom, I can see similar feelings in my own children and I want to do whatever I can to help them achieve a level of self-esteem, of self-confidence that I never had.  Of course I want it balanced with compassion, empathy, respect and love, but I think there can be some balance there.  The more I read and learn from God, I know now and wish I knew then, it's not about what all those others think, it's about God loving you and wanting you to feel loved, alive and enjoy life with all the gifts he has blessed you with.  Yes, we all have different gifts.  I could never do the scientific research my sister does working as an aerospace engineer, but in the big picture, it doesn't matter.  When I die, people won't talk about how smart I was or how much money I made, I hope they talk about how loving I was.  How full of joy I was and how I could help children, my own and those I teach or work with, to find that joy and love in their own lives.  I finally realized I don't have to have a special degree, or house or marriage or picture perfect family, what matters is that I am blessed, so blessed with the life I have been given.  I have been given two amazing children and an opportunity to share joy with others, with children, with friends, with coworkers.  It's not about pleasing others anymore, it's just about embracing joy in life so that it can radiate off of me and reflect onto others.  That I can be in the moment to hear what others need prayers for, or concerns in their lives or joy they want to share.  Not to be so self-absorbed or concerned about me.  How am I going to pay my bills, what am I going to do for work to make more money, what will happen when my ex-husband goes to jail this winter, what will happen if my six month check up shows the pre-cancer cells have grown instead of going away.  Today, this first (well as I look at the clock, second) day of the new year, I am refocusing my attention on finding the joy in each day.  I have read the Bible verses and quote about giving your worries to God and finally am at a point where I can actually do that. 

I realize on this first day of the new year I'm filled with extra optimism, working out, eating healthy, listening to the Daily Audio Bible, working on paintings, feeling alive and filled with hope...I think the goal is to keep some form of that hope each day.  On the mornings where life makes me want to hide under the covers, I need to remember the feeling right now.  There is hope for this new year, this new day.  Each day may not be filled with as much joy and optimism, but that just means the next day will have more, right?

Yes, I did feel different in a good way on this first day of the New Year.  I have no expectations from it, only hope for more joy and less worry.  Happy New Year.

Yes I am single. You're going to have to be amazing to change that!

Thank you Pinterest.  For that inspiration quote and many, many others I have discovered over the past couple weeks.  A few Thursdays ago, I was saying to a friend how depressed I was surfing aimlessly through Facebook postings and she said...that is when you go to Pinterest!  Huh?  Yes, I discovered yet another world out here on the web.  One a bit more inspirational (if you aren't looking at the fitness images that I just can't be comparing myself to today/yet).  I have already come across craft, food, photography, style/fashion ideas, but the most fun I have are repinning "inspirational quotes".  I have have been manually saving these types of tid-bits the old fashion way, with a pen and paper, over the years...but I have hit a gold mine on my new evening addiction. 

Today, ready through, repinning a few, I was thinking through my day/weekend as I always tend to do on Sunday nights.  This time I had a different take on a few of the things going through my mind.  I started wondering why is it we allow other people's thoughts, comments, reactions or lack of actions to have any say on how we feel?

When I switch back to Facebook and read through postings I often begin to wonder why am I searching through this site?  I love to see pics of my friends/their kids, hear good news...but so often it turns out to be other stuff.  I'm guilty as well, of posting negativity.  But why do we do it, to wait for someone else to comment to help us feel better or justify that we have the right to feel that way?  Why do we spend hours online or repeatedly check back in for updates...are we watching for some earth-shattering news?  I have a close friend who still refuses to use Facebook.  She is convinced it's evil.  That it allows to many people to easily make choice they shouldn't and couldn't as easily be doing otherwise.  I have always seen her point to this.  I have spoke with another person about a week ago, while I was update a bit of my own personal life and apparently I hadnt' realize how I had been hurt by things on Facebook until the other person commented how evil Facebook can be...how it can really hurt people...yet it's a way to stay connected to so many and we discussed a bit the yin-yang to that.  Then this weekend, I had texted my sister about something and said she must not have seen it on Facebook yet...about an hour later she type back upset about something else she had seen posted and explained that's why she tries to stay off of that thing, it only upsets her...hmmm maybe some folks in my life are onto something here....

On a similar plane/note, this idea of reconnecting, staying connected with people who have exited our lives in someway or another.  Technology has allowed us so easily to reconnect, often I think when perhaps we shouldnt' be.  With texting so much easier than picking up a phone and actually having to talk to someone...leaving a message or post on Facebook...I am discovering more and more often that comments in print, with no voice, to emotion or change to explain further why those words are being said...can so easily cause confusion, pain...I'm not sure if all this communication via technology is a good thing.  I somehow am still in contact with all of the men I have had relationships with over the past couple years since my divorce.  At times, I feel this is a good thing, that we are able to stay friends...but any of you reading this know, you can't really do that...not when the other person has moved on to someone new in their lives.  You find yourself comparing or questioning, why her?  What does she have that I don't?  I think it's just human nature to do this.  Even when you know deep down, you will never end up with this person, why does she get too?  Back when I was first entering this dating world, that was never an issue.  Thanks to our wonderful technology, I can create a puddle of self-pity in a moment by just clicking the right buttons. 

Then there is that lovely world of texts.  The ones that are not currently in a relationship, text in just to "see how you are".....which end up leading to making sure you haven't been on any hot dates lately, leading up to wanting to see you again.

Wait a second here...isn't there a reason why we are not currently a couple?  Just because I am not currently in a relationship, doesn't mean I will jump at any opportunity to suddenly be back in your arms...does it?  Why do some men think this?  Oh and a few are good at the timing too...after 10/11 at night so you are a bit tired and perhaps depressed....yes, let's make that a Friday or Saturday night, because, then if you are sitting home alone, it someone is extra depressing.  Yes, Saturday night I heard from one, going on about coming to see me again over his Christmas vacation, making a big deal about it...going on and on and when you are tired you keep texting in a tired daze, or at least I do.  Then, the next day or evening, you try a friendly text back.  Nothing.  Yah, you are playing right into it aren't you Lisa.  Wake up silly and reread those Pinterest quotes you have been repinning.

Luckily, I was blessed with a great weekend/overall of time with my children.  We were able to continue some of our holiday traditions and I was able to for  the most part steer clear of this depression cloud or magnet that is trying to hover over me lately.  This, plus a couple good nights of rest helped me view a few of the events over the weekend a little clearer.  I love it when I am actually capable of doing that. 

As a good female friend and I were chatting a week ago about perspective, we were both commenting about different things in our personal lives, that we know the right and wrong, we know the things we can't control and know how we should be responding/acting/reacting, but were both saying how difficult it is in life to know something and to be able to truly apply it and live it in your own personal lives.  Whether it happens to be people in the past that you've dated/been in relationships with that deep down you know are not good for you/not the right ones, that you know you should just stop having any contact with so that you can focus on the positive and moving forward.  Yet for some reason as humans, we don't always do what we know we should.  Or with work or other relationships in our lives.  We know what we should do, how to stand up and stand strong, etc. yet, we allow comments said by other to be taken personally and hurt us when we shouldn't be. 

I know I am or can be a very intelligent person.  I have double major in college, I have read many, many self-help/psychology books...I get what I am suppose to do to stay clear of depression, to stay clear of toxic people, to keep up my self-esteem.  But why is it we allow ourselves to fall when we know the right things deep down somewhere?  I'm still working on that answer...

But I do have a few fun quotes from the past few days to leave you with this time:

"Being single doesn't mean you are weak.  It means you are strong enough to wait for what YOU deserve." 

"Just because God doesn't answer your prayers doesn't mean He's not listening.  He's just got something better in store for you."


"A women has to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one."

"At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your HEART but not in your LIFE."

"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world.  Not even our troubles." -Charlie Chaplin

"If he's stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go."

Okay I think that's a good one to stop on tonight.  Yah, okay, one more...

"At any given moment in life, you have to power to say: this is NOT how my story is going to end!"

Until next time good nite...or rather good morning, I guess it's now 12-12-11...hmm can't wait to see how much better life will be on 12-12-12 :)

I don't understand why people have to feel pain.

I typed in so many different titles and still don't know if this is the right one for this entry.  Where to begin?  I don't really know, as I tried to go to bed, to go to sleep and my mind kept racing once again...this time it began with the holiday letter I had just finished typing before I headed to bed.

My Christmas cards have been done, for over a week or two...as I ordered the photo cards I traditionally send a few weeks back when I found a good coupon/deal.   Today I received my first Christmas card in the mail.  It made me smile.  Not just the big reindeer sticker on the back, nor that it was from a women who use to watch me while my mother was going to graduate school, although that was part of it.  It was that warm feeling that I was thought of, that she wanted to send a warm thought my way.  I read through the letter, her positive Christian message strong and true just as I remember her years ago.  Then, tonight once my kids were finally asleep, I thought I should write my traditional letter.

I actually considered doing this a few weeks back, but was in a rather depressed mood at the time and instead listing off all the positive, fun, happy memories that we had from each month through out this past year, I began listing all the depressing, awful realities that occurred.  It has not been an easy year.  But tonight, with the illuminated Christmas tree decorated and lighting up the room, I was feeling a bit more upbeat again.  So I listed off each month and filled in the spaces with basketball, trips to the pool, fun going to see my sister/taking the kids to the Mall of America, listing off stuff about soccer and Cub Scouts, Girl Scouts and birthday parties....I filled in all the spaces as I always do.  I painted the picture once again of a fun, wonderful life that we live in.  I saved it for the night and tried to make myself go to bed and sleep.

Laying there, I kept thinking, what is the point of sending that letter out?  Is it to prove to others that I am keep my kids entertained, filled with fun opportunities and events.  Who am I trying to please by sending it out?  My close friends already know about all the stuff in the letter and with technology even not so close friends, via Facebook, know most of them too.  I was thinking of my Cousin Derek, who I spoke with at my Grandma's funeral over a year ago, commenting on how glad he was to see my letter last year as he had missed it the year before.  Okay, one person who enjoys it.  I remember joking to him at the time, if you would have got one the year before, it would have just been too depressing!  It's not that this past year was that horrific, I just feel I'm putting on a show, not telling the whole story by typing up and sending out only happy memories.  So am I suppose to list off starting the year knowing that not only my engagement was over, so was the relationship the the man I was with.  To be followed up by losing hours at work and for a few months appeared to be no longer a job where I could have insurance anymore...to continue on to find out my parents were moving back to town (which in many ways can be a blessing, was also awful news)...to getting the courage to go back and apply for two jobs in my former teaching world and not getting either of them...followed by being brave and entering the dating world again, only to once again learn a lesson in trust, or rather how to get hurt...and continue the year to discover my from former neighbors as well as local police, that my old house, where my children spend 30% of their time, is now being referred to as a drug house, with ex-cons frequenting it and my children being left alone or alone with some of these men for hours, if not spending an excess of hours at the local bar.  Then to continue on with indirect threats on my life and more time trying to get a new restraining order against my ex, only to once again lose faith in the court as well as Child Protective Services system in our state.  That leads us to the news from my doctor at my annual physical this fall where I was told I had pre-cancerous cells and ended up having a double biopsy to determine if I needed surgery and if I did indeed have ovarian cancer.  Yes, this was all during the texts threating my life if I didn't fess up to who my leak in the old neighborhood he currently lives in was.  I continued on to discover that my ex husband received a second OWI/DWI and was texting me from a hospital that he was messed up and couldn't take the kids anymore...to two days later saying he was just fine and legally I had to send them to him.  The latest, he claims he can no longer drive them so I have to drive to the town he lives in to drop them off and pick them up?  He's going to trail during the first month of next year and I still don't know how much jail time he will be serving, as their will be a minimum in the state we are in. 

My kids, they don't know anything about the issues with their Dad.  They don't know about my fears about my job/income.  They didn't know about my health scare.  They didn't know I had to take out a home equity loan to pay off the piling up credit card debt to make ends meet.  All they know are the items I typed up in the Christmas letter this evening.  All the fun events and times we had this past year.  Which, as I typed this, makes complete sense.  As a 7 and 9 year old shouldn't have to know or worry about whether or not Mom can pay all the bills this month.  Whether or not she has a disease that may take her life in the near future.  They don't need to know all the trouble their Dad is in with the law and how he treats me.  They don't need to know, once we finish bedtime books, say our prayers, and after they fall asleep, Mom lays in bed and crys.  Not knowing where will be next year.  Not knowing if their Dad will clean up his life, be able to keep his job so that we'll have child support...as if we don't, we can't afford to stay here, not with my salary alone.  They don't need to know how lonely it gets when everyone is asleep and I wonder why I have allowed myself the pain of trusting men in the past, only to become hurt and alone.  Wondering how I will ever meet a man who could be honest, loving and supportive for me when I only have a couple hours Wednesday night and every other weekend to find him...wait, that will be ending or stopping for awhile when their Dad going to jail in January or whenver that occurs next year.   I have given up on online dating, as I have discovered the people I have met there, have spent hours with IMing, texting, or getting to know, they aren't ones I can trust.  I don't understand how things will look up next year.  I also don't understand why I have to go through pain. 

Sadly, I get jealous, watching the happy holiday commericals, tv shows and movies, seeing all of the loved ones celebrating their families for the holidays.  Make no mistake, I am EXTREMELY grateful for my children, I thank God everyday for bringing them into my world.  But I have to wonder why is it I can't have more?  I am not trying to be greedy, I don't want more money, well, enough to pay the bills each month would be nice, but what I want is a soul mate/a man to love and care for me...one I can share my life with.  Who can support me emotionally and I can do the same in return.  It's just hard to go to sleep alone, night after night, month after month, wondering if I am going to be alone the rest of my life.  I realize God has blessed with me with children, but they are mine only for such a short period of time, they will continue on with their own lives.  The reality, while getting out all the decorations for Christmas this past weekend, that it is now our fifth Christmas just the three of us, hit me.  The first one was a struggle to get through in so many other ways...the second, I knew I was in a new home, starting over and had a bit of hope along with that.  The third I was finally newly divorced and filled with optimism again.  Last year, an engagement ended right before Christmas, as not only was he looking to relocate for work, but he just couldn't jepordize his life with the actions my ex was taking.  It wasn't Christmas, but sitting alone New Years Eve crying that was the hardest part last year. 

Now, I am looking at our fifth Christmas just the three of us and it's starting to feel like it may always be this way.  I am so grateful that God has allowed me this time with my children and to meet them, you wouldn't think it mattered a bit that it was just the three of us.  Again, I thank God for that.  But the reality is sinking in...yes, another New Year's Eve is coming with no one to kiss at midnight.  A New Year is only a month away and now what?  After the pain that has occurred this year, I am scared to think what next year might bring.  The optomist in me tries to continue on day after day, but it gets to a point, often when I can't sleep, that I am reminded I am human.  Tears pour out of my eyes whether I want them to or not.  I can paint pretty pictures of all the fun we had this past year, but underneath, the pain, it's still there.  It's still alive.

I am not trying to be selfish, or give up on God having a plan for me.  It's just that sometimes I just don't understand why we have to spend so much time in pain.  Why we have to lay in bed and have thoughts/fears/worries race through our minds.  I prayed out to God again tonight, on my own, while I laid there with tears rolling down my checks.  Why?  Why can't I be grateful, why can't I trust that everything will be okay?  I just don't understand why.

Perhaps that's the point.  That there is a lesson from this pain, that I am going to or am suppose to grow from this experience in my life.  I am trying to make the best of the life I have been given.  I am trying to be honest, caring, hardworking, loving, I am trying to do all the things I am suppose to take care of my kids, to pay the bills, to be the best me I can be....but it still hurts.  I am still in pain, not all day long, not every hour, but it's still there, I wish I could make it go away, but right now, I can't.  I guess it is what it is.  I have to keep breathing in and out and continue on.