Searching for...

I just entered into my Facebook post, "I love my book, The Search for Significance:  Seeing Your TRUE WORTH through GOD'S EYES".  As I reluctantly picked staying home in my PJs on this night off from my kids.  Yes, I turned off my Television, more surprisingly, closed my laptop and picked up the book I had begun a few weeks back.  Apparently it was time to hear what God, or perhaps the author, Robert S. McGee had to say to me. 

I had met with my Pastor, a few weeks back, when I was just about to begin this book, asking if he had heard of it, after also discussing the current state of chaos in my life.  He said, his good friend, I believe was also once a fellow Pastor, had gave it to him a few years back and it was an excellent book.  This was good news, as I was debating if I was going to take the time and effort to really read and apply it to my life.  As most people that know me already know, the only books I chose to read (other than children's books to my kids at home or at school) are self-help, motivational, religious inspirational...something that I will hopeful gain some knowledge of myself or the world around me from reading and investing my time in.

Tonight, feeling a bit exhausted from all I have become involved in this past month, I sat with my feet up unsure what to do, think, feel.  As usual, I could have started the evening, blogging about the most recent news relating to my ex-husband, never a dull moment there.  But instead, something moved me to begin reading again.  I am so glad I did.  This book is one of those books you need to be in the right mindset, the ability to focus, to get through and gain incite from.  For the first time, in a long time, I actually got out a highlighter as well as filled out the question and answer portions.  Why then, if this book is so good, did I take a break from it to type in my blog you are wondering?  Well, the summary of the last chapter.  It not only summarize what the author had been trying to convey, but what I and perhaps some of you reading this, needed to hear.

On page 113:

These passages describe the stable and secure identity we have in Christ.  It is our privilege to be His children; to experience His love, forgiveness, and power; and to express our appreciation of Him to others.  Allow me to summarize the four great doctrines we have been pointing to as the solution for the four false beliefs:

1.  Because of justification, you are completely forgiven and fully pleasing to God.  You no longer have to fear failure.

2.  Because of reconciliation, you  are totally accepted by God.  You no longer have to fear rejection.
RE READ THIS ONE LISA, OFTEN

3.  Because of propitiation, you are deeply loved by God.  You no longer have to fear punishment, nor do you have to punish others.

4.  Because of regeneration, you have been made brand-new, complete in Christ.  You no longer need to experience the pain of shame.
RE READ THIS ONE LISA, DAILY!!!!

...thus ends the quote...sorry I've been out of college over ten years now and forget the proper way to quote a passage...well, then again they didn't have blogs back then, so I just plain don't know the way to quote in a blog!  Sorry, I hope I haven't offended anyone.  WAIT, it's me, feeling guilt again, feeling you'll reject me...yup, need to reread my quote.

Working in a church the past three years years now, I have been learning more about my faith as I go.  I believe in any Christian's life this is a goal, but God brought me to this job, which I am blessed to have, so I believe he may have had some ulterior motives.  I was not raised a Lutheran, so the UCC church I did grow up in really didn't spend much time discussing the term Grace.  In the past year at work, I have heard numerous time, for multiple kind co-workers, Lisa, you really need to learn more/read about/study/understand GRACE!!! 

Apparently and not surprisingly, knowing myself as I am beginning to, I was overflowing with guilt, shame, I'm sure apologizing profusely as I tend to do.  I remember when I was teaching first grade in town, oh, sadly more than 10 years ago, one of my best friends to this day, and co-worker at the time, began telling me she was going to start charging me a dollar each time I apologized to her for something!  I am blessed to have her and others looking out for me. 

When I began reading Chapter 9, titled SHAME and with the quote following it, "I am what I am , I cannot change. I am hopeless."  I sadly thought of how many times I had repeated those words or some form of them in my mind over the years.  As much as I am outwardly an optimist, an upbeat, happy, cheerful, bubbly, smiley, probably make some people want to puke person...inside and while I'm on my own, I'm not.  Whether it's from inferiority years ago, low self-esteem, mistakes I have made, somehow I have become filled with, flooded with unnecessary shame and guilt that I just can't make go away on my own.  Reading through the chapter, "Too  often our self-image rests solely on an evaluation of our past behavior, being measured only through a memory.  Day after day, year after year, we tend to build our personalities on the rubble of yesterday's personal disappointments." pg 96.

Yup, that is still me, feeling insecure that I am the only single-mom, or even single-parent who lives on our street.  That I am looked at differently, that people look down on me because of the fact my lawn is not kept up as well as some of the others, that my driveway hasn't been repaved as it probably should be, that I am some how not good enough to have a new spouse yet.  In reality, when I typed out or journal on paper, the thoughts that play through my mind, they sound almost self-centered.  Why should I think everyone is waisting their time thinking about me anyway.  Regardless, the point this book is making is that we are loved unconditionally by God.  That we should be looking to him and only him for approval and self-worth.  Earlier in the book, the author uses the formula of "Self-Worth = Performance + Others' Opinions"  The author refers to this equation as Satan's lie.  I personally have been sadly living it for quite a while.  I don't do in intentionally, but yes, I admit, I look to the comment and opinions of others to help define my self-worth.  Wise?  No, of course not, but it is often done subconsciously.  I am not aware of it until after I'm doing it and then my guilt and shame kick in.  Not a very healthy way to live, I know.  That's why I am working on changing myself for the better!

When the subheading of CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIPS appeared, it hit a little bit of a nerve too, imagine that.  I am aware I have been in that pattern before, but the part I didn't realize until reading this section, many people enter codependent relationships to overcome their sense of shame.  It goes on in a lot more detail, but I hadn't heard that aspect before.  I realize, through counseling, self-help books, or just self-reflection on my part, that I have entered into my past relationships without first gaining back enough of my own self-worth and self-esteem...or rather I thought I had in the past year or so and looking back, am not so sure I didnt' start to fall back into old habits/patterns.  When reading about healthy relationship and ones that are emotionally dependent, sadly, I tended to fall into the second category.  I appreciated the reminder in a following chapter that we can change.  "When we trust Christ and experience new life, forgiveness, and love, our lives will begin to change.  Still, regeneration does not effect an insintanous change in the full realm of our performance.  We will continued to stumble and fall at times, but the Scriptures clearly instruct us to choose to act in ways that reflect our new lives and values in Christ." pg 107.  I liked the reminder that we will stumble, we fail, as those people that have issues as I do with perfectionism or black and white thinking...that if I failed, it's over....one cookie and it might as well be five...one mistake and I'm done for....a reminder that we must keep trying, keep going.  Whether it's a goal to lose weight, control spending, drinking, whatever it may be, perhaps to gain a healthy self-worth through Christ, you have to understand that with any change in your life, there will be set backs.  As the book says, "Confess your sins, worship God, and get on with your life."  That's my favorite.

Okay, closing the book and back to the rest of my life.  I have discovered since the last time I blogged, that my ex-husband will be going to court in a week and a half for his second OWI, which from my understanding is a basically a DWI, Drinking While Intoxicated offense.  I don't know, but I have been researching a bit of Wisconsin law and am not sure what will happen then.  It appears it could be anything from a fine, Huber law, time in jail....regardless, he does not know I have found out about this violation.  So interestingly enough, I received a text stating he will be in Chicago that week and won't be able to take the kids.  Hmmmm.  Not sure what that means in the big picture of my life.  I also spoke again with the women in charge of our Child Protective Services Case and she informed me that her 60 days with us are about to end and she'll be writing up our report soon.  Even after telling her about the recent discovery, really it doesn't make any difference.  In reality, they are getting access to food, "Pop Tarts and soda perhaps, more like snacks", but the fact that there is food in the house shows he is not in neglect there.  He denied ever leaving the kids home alone, etc. etc. so pretty much there is nothing they can do.  I can get a copy of the report when she is done.  She did suggest I speak with Family Services in the Court House about the violations of the MSA.  So, that will be my next step, but I am waiting until her report is done as well as his court date has occurred. 

I guess I am doing all I can at this time for my kids.  Staying in touch with the local police, keeping records of what all is happening.  Not much more I feel I can right now.  I am trying to focus my energy and time towards the kids...via Soccer Coaching, assisting in leading Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts...as they are only this age once and since I have the time, I feel I should put it to good use.  Instead of wasting energy at night on Match websites, why not plan for their events, or read and work on making me the best me I can be.  Well, staying in touch via Facebook, etc comes in to play as well, but I'm trying to control that addiction too.  I am happy to say I am back in the swing of things at work too.  Teaching, directing and now adding music classes to my list.  It has been a fun start to the school years in terms of work, which is good. 

I still have a part of me desiring a man in my life, I guess that's because I am human.  After reading Sacred Singleness, I tried taking a different view point on things and still am putting it in God's hands, so when it's meant to be it will work out.  But at the same time, I was happy to hear my Pastor point out, "Yah well, that's all well and good in a book, but in reality who doesn't want someone to go to dinner or a movie with, someone to talk about their day or life with".  Yup, he hit the nail right on the head there!  I am just taking the attitude that it will happen...it's in God's hands and boy will we all be celebrating when it does.  Regardless, I am listing off in prayer each night all the many ways I am so blessed.  My children, my friends, my job, a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear...I could go on and on but this entry is long enough.

Good Night or back to reading....