Choices

Choices.  How to respond to life.  It's hard it's it?  I was journaling on Saturday, all excited about the book I had just read, about the sun in the sky and the ambitions I had for the weekend.  I chose to make the best of my weekend without my kids and continued on the day being quite productive, while enjoying all the work I was getting done.  I woke up this morning, greeted by the sun and head off to enjoy the day.  When I sat down in church, I was joined by a family and more kids in front of me, to keep me playing smile back at me games and looking at toys and colorings they did during the service.  I felt like I was spending time with a big family.  The service ended and I was greeted by hugs of wonderful friends, others came up to me and chatted.  Not being from a large family, I can't say for sure, but it felt like I was sure apart of one.  I was excited to continue on running errands, stopping to read some more of my latest book, ironically on the ups and downs of single motherhood.  Ironically, because the quote on the first page of the, which I wrote into my journal, is so appropriate right now.  I planned to type up my journal entries tonight in my blog.  Showing how well things were/are going.  How I have been staying optimistic again and strong through my time in the wilderness, as one book puts it.

"Life as a single mother is like a Minnesota March.  There might be glorious days of sunshine and warmth, turbulent and troublesome stretches of unpredictable weather, and cold and lonely times when it is tempting to crawl back into bed and pull a heavy comforter over your head to keep the world at bay." pg 1 Sing Your Own Song: A Guide For Single Moms by Cythina Orange

Yes, my day was filled with sunshine and warmth, actually most of my weekend was, until after dinner.  I finished my broccoli and cauliflower and decided to take some leftovers in to my daughter's guinea pig in her room.  As I went in and dropped the food in the cage, I discovered him not hiding in the little blue igloo as he usually does when someone enters her room, he was laying in the front corner of the cage.  I knew from the moment I laid eyes on the still lifeless creature that something was wrong.  I started calling out his name, "Nibbles!  Nibbles!", like that was going to help!  Sure enough, he was not moving.  His bowl was almost overflowing full of food as my daughter had filled it a couple days ago and when she left on Friday for her Dad's she double checked to make sure it had water.  As often happens, I keep her door shut when she is gone, both in order to not view the mess that may be in there, as well as to not have her stuff remind me of her and make me sad that she is not here.  I am not sure when it happened or why, but Nibbles is no longer alive.  I realize now, that I had never seen a dead animal before.  It was a very uncomfortable feeling and then I realized I had to get him out of here so she wouldn't come home and see him like this.  But then, I thought to myself, wait, if I dispose of his body and my daughter wants to see him one last time...I decided I would call her, share the news and see what she'd prefer.

Now, if you know anything about my ex and I, we do not call each other.  The harassment restraining order I had against him ended this past summer and I have not renewed it yet, but our contact in mainly through texts or emails still.  So I texted him so see if I could speak with Allie.  He questioned why, that they were just starting a late dinner and he could have her call me later.  I texted back, it's about her pet.  I tried calling and he wouldn't answer.  Then a text or two later, she called.  I explained that Nibbles wasn't alive anymore...she had figured that out though before we began talking as she was already crying.  I said I didn't know if she wanted to see him one last time, or if she'd rather have him gone when she comes back tomorrow morning.  She wanted me to bury him in our backyard and then never ever have to move from this house again.  I said we can talk about that later, but I will take care it.  When she was done on the phone her dad spoke, questioning if I was blaming her for not taking care of the guinea pig, saying that too much responsibility to put on a nine year old.  That she feels bad enough and he sure hopes I wasn't tell her it was her fault.

I got off the phone started feeling guilty, upset, not sure what to do next.  I moved the cage with the poor little guy down to the garage...I worried about burying him in the yard, as it will be a constant reminder and she will be sad every time she sees wherever it is I do this.  Not to mention my fear of my two dogs digging him up someday.  I decided to call her back and to make sure she understood that she did not do anything wrong, that it was just his time to die.  I also explained that I was going to put him in a shoebox for now and then I or we could take it in to the pet store we got him from and they could find out what killed him.  Or at least they could dispose of him for me, I figured, or rather I hoped.  We talked about it and then talked about a few other things over the weekend and about the first day of Spring Break tomorrow, about swimming with friends in the afternoon.  She had stopped crying and I was feeling as though she was doing better when we got off the phone.  Then, as I hung up, I discovered my ex was texting me while I was speaking to her.  Excuse the language, but he began, "Could u possibly make it any worse on her?  Way to go!  My god I so don't miss thay shit!"  My response was, "What did I do to make it worse?  I explained that he hadn't been eating and that it was not her fault."  He continued, "Well she is a train wreck and crying and you intentionally did that during my time with the kids on purpose so u didint' have to do it! Evil!!!"  Seriously?!  "Whatever.  She wasnt' worried before you called.  Nice going 'mom'" he continued, "Yes! U could have waited till ur turn with the kids! Don't worry I will take care of it and comfort her so u dont' have to."
My mistake here is that I kept responding..."I WANT to be with her right now!  I dont' have nay control of when a pet dies!  I guess you are right, I shouldn't have thought you could help, 'dad'.  It's not a natter of taking care of it either, grieving is a process."  Yup, I didnt' need to respond because that only caused him to..."My god once again u try to twist it around.  I have it under control so u dont' have to deal with it.  Go on disability as its easier.  Ask ur folks.  Government income!  How easy it is!  Twist it around like donna ( my old lawyer) tried to do.  Look where that got ur folks for doing that!"

I said, "Again, a pet dying has nothing to do with my parents." Then I said, "I will go print this out with all the other texts and emails where you continue to harass me.  "Yep and what will u do with that what u call "Harasse" which u spelled wrong?  Show that u can't spell and want to be a teacher?  Nice and good luck."

At 8:09 I ended my responses with "I'm done with this tonight."  Yet this did not end things on his end.  "Of course u are u already spread ur venom and damage here.  Ur so innocent I want to puke.  I am so scared of ur printer I can't even talk about it.  Keep in mine (Donne should of told u) that the worst u can do is cause me to lose my job, then u lose ur income called "Child support".  So go for it.  I'm sure u dont' use any of the "child support" toward ur house payment and other bills since it is only for the kids!  If u get disability then u can go to Disney, Hawaii and lots of other vacations for the "disabled" not to mention awesome parking!"

The messages finally came to and end.  For tonight that is.  I called a close friend who has been through all of this with me and she was able to remind me that I am allowing his comments to get to me and that I am stronger than that.  That she and I both know I am a wonderful mom and instead of him being able to step up and be there for my daughter, he was texting all of this to me.  I responded, I know I shouldn't have let him get to me, but I didn't know what to do.  Her pet had died and she wasn't here, I guess I should have waited to tell her.  I don't know.  I am doing the best that I can.  She told me she would not have entered her daughters room either and she is old enough to take care of a pet herself.  That I didn't do anything wrong and that (apologizing first) that my ex is just an ass.  At the time, I tried to pull myself back together and refocus on things.  She reminded me that he expects them to fend for themselves when they are there quite often, and that me not checking in on a pet of my daughters for one day is nothing to feel bad about.

I realize now, after having a little time to process, that it was ridiculous of me to even respond to any of his texts.  I know better.  My friend reminded me to stick with only answering a text if it is about my children being sick or hurt.  As for the harassing, I questioned whether it's worth going to the police again, as I was crying to her, pointing out that my ex-fiance left me primarily because he had too much control of my life and was just going to damage his as well.  I think maybe my friend was right in saying that I should go into the station tomorrow and show them the texts, explain that he is still doing this, but also explain that I have no money to hire a lawyer and see what they suggest I should do next. 

Choices.  Life is all about choices isn't it.  Whether or not to call and tell your daughter her pet died, whether to persue another restraining order.  Yes, sadly some choices are not fun to make.