Yes I am single. You're going to have to be amazing to change that!

Thank you Pinterest.  For that inspiration quote and many, many others I have discovered over the past couple weeks.  A few Thursdays ago, I was saying to a friend how depressed I was surfing aimlessly through Facebook postings and she said...that is when you go to Pinterest!  Huh?  Yes, I discovered yet another world out here on the web.  One a bit more inspirational (if you aren't looking at the fitness images that I just can't be comparing myself to today/yet).  I have already come across craft, food, photography, style/fashion ideas, but the most fun I have are repinning "inspirational quotes".  I have have been manually saving these types of tid-bits the old fashion way, with a pen and paper, over the years...but I have hit a gold mine on my new evening addiction. 

Today, ready through, repinning a few, I was thinking through my day/weekend as I always tend to do on Sunday nights.  This time I had a different take on a few of the things going through my mind.  I started wondering why is it we allow other people's thoughts, comments, reactions or lack of actions to have any say on how we feel?

When I switch back to Facebook and read through postings I often begin to wonder why am I searching through this site?  I love to see pics of my friends/their kids, hear good news...but so often it turns out to be other stuff.  I'm guilty as well, of posting negativity.  But why do we do it, to wait for someone else to comment to help us feel better or justify that we have the right to feel that way?  Why do we spend hours online or repeatedly check back in for updates...are we watching for some earth-shattering news?  I have a close friend who still refuses to use Facebook.  She is convinced it's evil.  That it allows to many people to easily make choice they shouldn't and couldn't as easily be doing otherwise.  I have always seen her point to this.  I have spoke with another person about a week ago, while I was update a bit of my own personal life and apparently I hadnt' realize how I had been hurt by things on Facebook until the other person commented how evil Facebook can be...how it can really hurt people...yet it's a way to stay connected to so many and we discussed a bit the yin-yang to that.  Then this weekend, I had texted my sister about something and said she must not have seen it on Facebook yet...about an hour later she type back upset about something else she had seen posted and explained that's why she tries to stay off of that thing, it only upsets her...hmmm maybe some folks in my life are onto something here....

On a similar plane/note, this idea of reconnecting, staying connected with people who have exited our lives in someway or another.  Technology has allowed us so easily to reconnect, often I think when perhaps we shouldnt' be.  With texting so much easier than picking up a phone and actually having to talk to someone...leaving a message or post on Facebook...I am discovering more and more often that comments in print, with no voice, to emotion or change to explain further why those words are being said...can so easily cause confusion, pain...I'm not sure if all this communication via technology is a good thing.  I somehow am still in contact with all of the men I have had relationships with over the past couple years since my divorce.  At times, I feel this is a good thing, that we are able to stay friends...but any of you reading this know, you can't really do that...not when the other person has moved on to someone new in their lives.  You find yourself comparing or questioning, why her?  What does she have that I don't?  I think it's just human nature to do this.  Even when you know deep down, you will never end up with this person, why does she get too?  Back when I was first entering this dating world, that was never an issue.  Thanks to our wonderful technology, I can create a puddle of self-pity in a moment by just clicking the right buttons. 

Then there is that lovely world of texts.  The ones that are not currently in a relationship, text in just to "see how you are".....which end up leading to making sure you haven't been on any hot dates lately, leading up to wanting to see you again.

Wait a second here...isn't there a reason why we are not currently a couple?  Just because I am not currently in a relationship, doesn't mean I will jump at any opportunity to suddenly be back in your arms...does it?  Why do some men think this?  Oh and a few are good at the timing too...after 10/11 at night so you are a bit tired and perhaps depressed....yes, let's make that a Friday or Saturday night, because, then if you are sitting home alone, it someone is extra depressing.  Yes, Saturday night I heard from one, going on about coming to see me again over his Christmas vacation, making a big deal about it...going on and on and when you are tired you keep texting in a tired daze, or at least I do.  Then, the next day or evening, you try a friendly text back.  Nothing.  Yah, you are playing right into it aren't you Lisa.  Wake up silly and reread those Pinterest quotes you have been repinning.

Luckily, I was blessed with a great weekend/overall of time with my children.  We were able to continue some of our holiday traditions and I was able to for  the most part steer clear of this depression cloud or magnet that is trying to hover over me lately.  This, plus a couple good nights of rest helped me view a few of the events over the weekend a little clearer.  I love it when I am actually capable of doing that. 

As a good female friend and I were chatting a week ago about perspective, we were both commenting about different things in our personal lives, that we know the right and wrong, we know the things we can't control and know how we should be responding/acting/reacting, but were both saying how difficult it is in life to know something and to be able to truly apply it and live it in your own personal lives.  Whether it happens to be people in the past that you've dated/been in relationships with that deep down you know are not good for you/not the right ones, that you know you should just stop having any contact with so that you can focus on the positive and moving forward.  Yet for some reason as humans, we don't always do what we know we should.  Or with work or other relationships in our lives.  We know what we should do, how to stand up and stand strong, etc. yet, we allow comments said by other to be taken personally and hurt us when we shouldn't be. 

I know I am or can be a very intelligent person.  I have double major in college, I have read many, many self-help/psychology books...I get what I am suppose to do to stay clear of depression, to stay clear of toxic people, to keep up my self-esteem.  But why is it we allow ourselves to fall when we know the right things deep down somewhere?  I'm still working on that answer...

But I do have a few fun quotes from the past few days to leave you with this time:

"Being single doesn't mean you are weak.  It means you are strong enough to wait for what YOU deserve." 

"Just because God doesn't answer your prayers doesn't mean He's not listening.  He's just got something better in store for you."


"A women has to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one."

"At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your HEART but not in your LIFE."

"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world.  Not even our troubles." -Charlie Chaplin

"If he's stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go."

Okay I think that's a good one to stop on tonight.  Yah, okay, one more...

"At any given moment in life, you have to power to say: this is NOT how my story is going to end!"

Until next time good nite...or rather good morning, I guess it's now 12-12-11...hmm can't wait to see how much better life will be on 12-12-12 :)

I don't understand why people have to feel pain.

I typed in so many different titles and still don't know if this is the right one for this entry.  Where to begin?  I don't really know, as I tried to go to bed, to go to sleep and my mind kept racing once again...this time it began with the holiday letter I had just finished typing before I headed to bed.

My Christmas cards have been done, for over a week or two...as I ordered the photo cards I traditionally send a few weeks back when I found a good coupon/deal.   Today I received my first Christmas card in the mail.  It made me smile.  Not just the big reindeer sticker on the back, nor that it was from a women who use to watch me while my mother was going to graduate school, although that was part of it.  It was that warm feeling that I was thought of, that she wanted to send a warm thought my way.  I read through the letter, her positive Christian message strong and true just as I remember her years ago.  Then, tonight once my kids were finally asleep, I thought I should write my traditional letter.

I actually considered doing this a few weeks back, but was in a rather depressed mood at the time and instead listing off all the positive, fun, happy memories that we had from each month through out this past year, I began listing all the depressing, awful realities that occurred.  It has not been an easy year.  But tonight, with the illuminated Christmas tree decorated and lighting up the room, I was feeling a bit more upbeat again.  So I listed off each month and filled in the spaces with basketball, trips to the pool, fun going to see my sister/taking the kids to the Mall of America, listing off stuff about soccer and Cub Scouts, Girl Scouts and birthday parties....I filled in all the spaces as I always do.  I painted the picture once again of a fun, wonderful life that we live in.  I saved it for the night and tried to make myself go to bed and sleep.

Laying there, I kept thinking, what is the point of sending that letter out?  Is it to prove to others that I am keep my kids entertained, filled with fun opportunities and events.  Who am I trying to please by sending it out?  My close friends already know about all the stuff in the letter and with technology even not so close friends, via Facebook, know most of them too.  I was thinking of my Cousin Derek, who I spoke with at my Grandma's funeral over a year ago, commenting on how glad he was to see my letter last year as he had missed it the year before.  Okay, one person who enjoys it.  I remember joking to him at the time, if you would have got one the year before, it would have just been too depressing!  It's not that this past year was that horrific, I just feel I'm putting on a show, not telling the whole story by typing up and sending out only happy memories.  So am I suppose to list off starting the year knowing that not only my engagement was over, so was the relationship the the man I was with.  To be followed up by losing hours at work and for a few months appeared to be no longer a job where I could have insurance anymore...to continue on to find out my parents were moving back to town (which in many ways can be a blessing, was also awful news)...to getting the courage to go back and apply for two jobs in my former teaching world and not getting either of them...followed by being brave and entering the dating world again, only to once again learn a lesson in trust, or rather how to get hurt...and continue the year to discover my from former neighbors as well as local police, that my old house, where my children spend 30% of their time, is now being referred to as a drug house, with ex-cons frequenting it and my children being left alone or alone with some of these men for hours, if not spending an excess of hours at the local bar.  Then to continue on with indirect threats on my life and more time trying to get a new restraining order against my ex, only to once again lose faith in the court as well as Child Protective Services system in our state.  That leads us to the news from my doctor at my annual physical this fall where I was told I had pre-cancerous cells and ended up having a double biopsy to determine if I needed surgery and if I did indeed have ovarian cancer.  Yes, this was all during the texts threating my life if I didn't fess up to who my leak in the old neighborhood he currently lives in was.  I continued on to discover that my ex husband received a second OWI/DWI and was texting me from a hospital that he was messed up and couldn't take the kids anymore...to two days later saying he was just fine and legally I had to send them to him.  The latest, he claims he can no longer drive them so I have to drive to the town he lives in to drop them off and pick them up?  He's going to trail during the first month of next year and I still don't know how much jail time he will be serving, as their will be a minimum in the state we are in. 

My kids, they don't know anything about the issues with their Dad.  They don't know about my fears about my job/income.  They didn't know about my health scare.  They didn't know I had to take out a home equity loan to pay off the piling up credit card debt to make ends meet.  All they know are the items I typed up in the Christmas letter this evening.  All the fun events and times we had this past year.  Which, as I typed this, makes complete sense.  As a 7 and 9 year old shouldn't have to know or worry about whether or not Mom can pay all the bills this month.  Whether or not she has a disease that may take her life in the near future.  They don't need to know all the trouble their Dad is in with the law and how he treats me.  They don't need to know, once we finish bedtime books, say our prayers, and after they fall asleep, Mom lays in bed and crys.  Not knowing where will be next year.  Not knowing if their Dad will clean up his life, be able to keep his job so that we'll have child support...as if we don't, we can't afford to stay here, not with my salary alone.  They don't need to know how lonely it gets when everyone is asleep and I wonder why I have allowed myself the pain of trusting men in the past, only to become hurt and alone.  Wondering how I will ever meet a man who could be honest, loving and supportive for me when I only have a couple hours Wednesday night and every other weekend to find him...wait, that will be ending or stopping for awhile when their Dad going to jail in January or whenver that occurs next year.   I have given up on online dating, as I have discovered the people I have met there, have spent hours with IMing, texting, or getting to know, they aren't ones I can trust.  I don't understand how things will look up next year.  I also don't understand why I have to go through pain. 

Sadly, I get jealous, watching the happy holiday commericals, tv shows and movies, seeing all of the loved ones celebrating their families for the holidays.  Make no mistake, I am EXTREMELY grateful for my children, I thank God everyday for bringing them into my world.  But I have to wonder why is it I can't have more?  I am not trying to be greedy, I don't want more money, well, enough to pay the bills each month would be nice, but what I want is a soul mate/a man to love and care for me...one I can share my life with.  Who can support me emotionally and I can do the same in return.  It's just hard to go to sleep alone, night after night, month after month, wondering if I am going to be alone the rest of my life.  I realize God has blessed with me with children, but they are mine only for such a short period of time, they will continue on with their own lives.  The reality, while getting out all the decorations for Christmas this past weekend, that it is now our fifth Christmas just the three of us, hit me.  The first one was a struggle to get through in so many other ways...the second, I knew I was in a new home, starting over and had a bit of hope along with that.  The third I was finally newly divorced and filled with optimism again.  Last year, an engagement ended right before Christmas, as not only was he looking to relocate for work, but he just couldn't jepordize his life with the actions my ex was taking.  It wasn't Christmas, but sitting alone New Years Eve crying that was the hardest part last year. 

Now, I am looking at our fifth Christmas just the three of us and it's starting to feel like it may always be this way.  I am so grateful that God has allowed me this time with my children and to meet them, you wouldn't think it mattered a bit that it was just the three of us.  Again, I thank God for that.  But the reality is sinking in...yes, another New Year's Eve is coming with no one to kiss at midnight.  A New Year is only a month away and now what?  After the pain that has occurred this year, I am scared to think what next year might bring.  The optomist in me tries to continue on day after day, but it gets to a point, often when I can't sleep, that I am reminded I am human.  Tears pour out of my eyes whether I want them to or not.  I can paint pretty pictures of all the fun we had this past year, but underneath, the pain, it's still there.  It's still alive.

I am not trying to be selfish, or give up on God having a plan for me.  It's just that sometimes I just don't understand why we have to spend so much time in pain.  Why we have to lay in bed and have thoughts/fears/worries race through our minds.  I prayed out to God again tonight, on my own, while I laid there with tears rolling down my checks.  Why?  Why can't I be grateful, why can't I trust that everything will be okay?  I just don't understand why.

Perhaps that's the point.  That there is a lesson from this pain, that I am going to or am suppose to grow from this experience in my life.  I am trying to make the best of the life I have been given.  I am trying to be honest, caring, hardworking, loving, I am trying to do all the things I am suppose to take care of my kids, to pay the bills, to be the best me I can be....but it still hurts.  I am still in pain, not all day long, not every hour, but it's still there, I wish I could make it go away, but right now, I can't.  I guess it is what it is.  I have to keep breathing in and out and continue on. 

"Is it 2012 yet?" stated on a bumper sticker yesterday.

I had to laugh as I walked past a car in Target's parking lot yesterday, as I saw the quote inside the little while oval...."Is it 2012 yet?"

I thought about it again today as I was watching yet another romantic comedy...one I had picked up last night at a Red Box, thinking today would be a good stay in my PJs day.  As I watched it, I was noticing the main character's life, how quickly and dramatically a person's life can change.  It's true in real life as well.  You don't know, good or bad, when something out of the blue will happen causing a great ripple in your life.  It's odd how we don't know when someone will toss that pebble in our pond either.  We can't just sit around waiting for it, but we can acknowledge that pebbles are still out there.

This morning when I woke up from a bad dream, confused as to the fact that I was just dreaming and it was not reality.  I was frustrated by the fact that I had yet another dream where the breaks would not work in the truck/vehicle I was driving.  I also couldn't walk.  I was trying to get my legs to keep going and I couldn't.  I suppose, they are signs that I feel I don't have control over things in my life, which in a way certainly is true.  But it's it true for everyone?  Isn't there only so much we have control over?  Whether we chose to wash the dishes, the laundry...go shopping or save our money...eat or not eat...exercise or stay stationary, laugh or cry?  Wait, on the last one I brought up, sadly I don't always think we have control over it.

Wednesday night, after dropping off my kids at their Dad's, I came home with Chinese food and changed into my flannel pants, all ready to relax and enjoy an evening to myself.  Emotions, those I didn't want too, took over.  After reading something on Facebook, I began crying....if I truly had a choice, I wished I would have reacted differently, but I think sometimes your emotions, mind, genes, something else takes over and you cry, whether you want to or not.  The next morning, on my drive to work or maybe it was on the way home, I heard the lyrics to a song, "Stand in the rain, stand your ground, stand up when it's all crashing down; stand through the pain, you won't drown, and one day what's lost will be found..."  Yes, that night it felt like it was all crashing down on me.  I felt jealous, angry, mad, depressed...and those deep emotions, when you let them rise up, they don't go away so easily.  I was a puddle for hours.  I posted something online about wishing I could just turn off my emotions.  What I had read, was about the first guy I had start truly falling for, after my divorce, was happily in a committed relationship, a place he swore he'd never go again.  It wasn't that, but the comments after that he made apologizing to those he had hurt on his way to where he was now...which would be me.  I didn't know if I was jealous that it wasn't me that convinced him how happy and good a relationship could be, or more just the fact that my go-to guy when I need a reminder of what was so good about being single, was no longer single.  He was the one I could call crying when a relationship ended and he'd be there full of reasons why I'm better off without the loser.  Yes, I was jealous that he himself was able to find happiness in a relationship, one he never wanted and I, one who wants to be in one, is not.

I don't want to find a guy just to have a guy in my life...I want to have that someone there to support me, guide me, enjoy the good and bad...to have a best friend plus more.  I don't need to continue on explaining why I would like to be in a relationship again someday.  I just do, with the right guy.  I also know God has plans for me, as I was reminded by a friend this week.  As much as I want to, I can't rush those plans, I have to be patient and trust.  Somedays, I just can't...I am human.

So what can I do?  Work on keeping my mind a little clearer, which I attempted yesterday, when trying out a Yoga Studio in town here.  A good 90 minute workout that I can sure feel today, yet I couldn't keep my mind from racing at the end where it is the goal to clear our mind and relax.  Later today, I plan to attend my first mediation class.  The thought of an hour of being still....I can't imagine, but I am willing to try.  As I am well aware I need to find peace amongst all the chaos in my life.  I am working on it, but am realizing I could use some tools, assistance.

Fear is just a lie....open up your eyes...

He'll break, open the sky to save, those who cry out his name...yes I woke up before noon, before my alarm this Saturday morning with the song playing through my mind.  Once the dogs realized I was awake, they wanted to go outside, which was when I grabbed my laptop and headed back to bed, hoping to figure out the rest of the lyrics for the song.

Soon, I had my sketchbook too and began drawing.  I was enjoying listening to music, drawing all from my cozy bed, in my flannel jammies, until reality hit...oh wait, it was my dog, vomiting just inches away from me...so much for staying in bed!

After cleaning up the mess and getting myself ready to face the day, I decided to head to my favorite picture window to enjoy the sunshine, my book and a long overdue favorite chocolate shop's Mocha.  Finally, I was at a point where I could read, not just read but take in, process and relate what I was reading to my own life. 

"Often, God allows us to undergo troubling circumstances so that we can see what is inside of us." and on page 164, "It's better to be honest and feel pain than to deny it and try to convince yourself that you are happy.  Remember, your feelings are not the basis of truth.  God's Word is our authority.  What He says is true, whether we feel it or not.  The more we understand God's Word and live by it, the more our feelings will reflect His character and love."  page 165...The Search for Significance

The author is explaining that God created man/women with a sense of purpose after Satan convinced Adam and Eve to take a bite of that forbidden fruit, we began to look elsewhere for approval/self-esteem, we began to question and doubt why we were put here as well as believe we need to preform to gain approval for others.   He continues on that Satan separated man from God.  God later sent Jesus to take our punishment upon Himself and died on the cross to take away our sins.  We now have to choice to believe Satan's lies or follow God and to be loved and accepted unconditionally.
"Realizing that your worth is not conditional will increasingly free you from the fears of failure and rejection and it will give you joy, thankfulness and a desire to honor the One who loves you so much." pg. 165.

The last part of the book explains how if we try, we are able to see that our life is affected by negative messages we tell ourselves.  First we are reminded that it is important to identify how we are feeling, to pay attention to our emotions and talk about them.  The author explains we believe situations create our emotions, but points our that what we really do is perceive a situation based on our past thoughts/experiences/beliefs.  "The first step to freedom is recognizing that life is distorted by our expectations for what we are going to experience." pg 145.  "Therefore, we have a great need to destroy the false beliefs and replace them with the truth that God has disclosed to us."  It continues on to explain how our false beliefs can cause destructive thought, followed by destructive emotions leading often to destructive behavior. 

Finally, I really liked the explanation that, "Self-worth, often called self-esteem or personal significance, is characterized by a quiet sense of self-respect and a feeling of satisfaction with who we are.  True self-worth, unlike pride, is not based on an evaluation or our performance...A healthy self-concept is the recognition of one's value and worth:  the understanding that as a unique human beign, one has certain gifts and abilities unlike anyone else and can contribute to the world in a special way." pg 163.

Now, to take what I read, notes I took and back to how this applies to my own life.  I grew up with some religion in my home.  We believed in God, went to church a few more times than just holidays.  I made it through confirmation...that's another story...but really, I didn't ever talk to anyone about Satan..or this Holy Spirit.  The book stated point blank that Satan is the one tempting us, causing us to feel low self-esteem.  It was a different take than thinking there is something wrong with me, that I am messed up and the fact that over two million copies of this book have been sold, means there must be a few others too.  Through the activity section in this book, reminding us that we can't just use a general statement like, "Trust God"...that we have to do some of the leg work ourselves, to look at why we are thinking the way we are and how we could be if we refocus our thoughts and beliefs. 

Last night, I watched a movie, "The Hereafter" and I took away from it a few different things, one of them being that we are all given gifts.  Many of us try to hide them, are scared of how others may view them or us, but often they can bring about good. 

Today, I spent some time catching up with the owner of my favorite Chocolate Shop and gain more insight as I questioned her how she got from where I am in my place in life to where she is now.  I have learned through past conversions that she went through some similar events in her life and now is happily married and doing something she loves, very successfully.

Without sharing all of her personal information, I learned that just as many of the Christian songs I listen to say, it's when you are down, when you think you can't take anymore, it's then, or soon after that things come together...you begin to understand, to see a plan that there is more out there, a brighter tomorrow, future or day.  The answers don't come all at once, but they do come to you if you continue to learn, search, grow, listen and don't give up.

This past month, year, it's been filled with challenges but I am not giving up as I am making progress.  Instead of facing my day with fear of what will happen with my ex husband, if my son will get to go to the rocket launch for his Cub Scouts like he wanted or be let down again...when he will be sentenced to jail for his latest OWI, for how long and how it will effect my children.  Fear of his texts and how they will effect me today again.  Somehow, as my good friend pointed out on Friday, I am allowing him to get to me again, to drag me down, which is just want he wants.  She pointed out how well I had been doing and now.  She was completely right.  I was depressed, upset, feeling worthless at times and why?  Why was I allowing his comments to control my joy? 

That's just it.  As another friend has said, my ex is Satan.  He is pure evil.  I don't want to admit it, but at times, unfortunately, many of his actions complement those described in the book I have been reading.  It's a reminder today, that I am in charge of my thoughts, my beliefs, my emotions and how I view situations.  I can take each situation and make it into a positive, if I am willing too.

Today, I was given an entire day to myself.  Other than caring for the dogs a little bit, I had freedom to do as I pleased.  I could take the texts I received from my ex this morning on dwell on them, let them ruin my day, or I could read them, no that they don't have anything in them I need to deal with and move on.  Which is exactly what I did.  I finally got out the sketch book that I have been carrying with me for the past two or three weeks hoping to get up the courage to open again.  As the movie reminded me last night, we are all given gifts.  I have been told I have a gift with art.  But my worry of others approval, of my performance, all the things I was just told through the book today that Satan tries to tell you to get you to fear doing something....well, as the song that was playing in my head as I woke up this morning says, "But wait, everything can change, in a moments time, you don't have to be afraid, cause FEAR IS JUST A LIE, open up your eyes."

Fear...I have been fighting fear and anxiety all of my life.  Fear is a lie...I have been fighting Satan, evil, a stronger battle that I had realized and I am gaining armor, God's unconditional love and acceptance.  The kind I give to and receive from my children.  My purpose, to share that unconditional love and joy...for my children to be able to have the tools to fight their fight as well.

As the song beings, "You fought, but you were just too weak, so you lost, all the things you tried to keep, now your on your knees, your on your knees....."

I was too weak alone...but through my battles, through my divorce, my anxieties, my search for meaning, for joy, for understanding of why things happen the way they do and to the people they do...why we are faced with cancer or deaths or loss...loss of friends, family, money, jobs, you are never have to be alone.  God is right there waiting to break open the sky....(Thanks Tenth Avenue North)

Who did God create Me to be?

After yoga class last night, I had this feeling I should once again go to Barnes and Noble and see if the latest issue of life:beautiful was finally in stock.  It was, and when I sat down to page through it, I found the article that was drawing me to it.  "The Key to Overcoming Every Fear You Face" by Joyce Meyer.

'Fear is the opposite of faith.'  This line really stood out to me, as I have struggled with overcoming a variety of anxieties and fears in my life.  I have also been taking a closer look at my faith, my religious beliefs and struggling quite often as to how strong my faith really is when I am facing challenges.

In the article, she states, 'Fear is a tool the devil uses against us to make us miserable and destroy our lives.  It begins as a thought and then creates emotions that can rule us....Simply put, fear is the opposite of faith.  God wants us to walk by faith and Satan wants us to walk by fear.'  As I was getting ready for work this morning, a series of texts came through on my cell phone from my ex-husband.  Reflecting on them now, they have fear written, as if by this definition, coming from Satan.  'U need to tell me who ur neighborhood snitch is.  U don't understand the trouble u are in right now and I am trying to protect you!!!' 7:40 AM  'You messed with some people that dont' take this lightly and u need to cooperate with me on this because they did their homework on u and are watching u like u r me.'  7:43 AM  'I want u and especially the cute kids to be safe and u have put that in jeopardy!  I am doing what I can to protect u but u think life is a fairy tale!  Wrong!'  7:45 AM. 

Good morning and welcome to another day in the life of Lisa.  Why does he want me to live my life in fear?  It really is sad, isn't it?  Today, I didn't let it.  I posted something on Facebook, just in case something were to happen to me, then headed to work, had a successful morning of parent teacher conferences and continued on with my day.  As it was still a thought in the back of my mind though, not completely out of worry, I asked myself, if anything, what can I do about this?  So I reread the messages and decided to call and then left a message for the local police, letting them know I'd be sending the texts for the electronic file they had started. 

To continue on my day, my life, it was time to drink some tea and work on my search for my own significance, the reason why I am here, as the book in front of me had phrased it.  I am still searching for my answer to this question.  Referring back to the article again, 'The key to begin who god created you to be is to learn who you are in Christ...as you spend time reading and meditating on His word, you will be able to recognize the fears in your life that are holding you back.  You can overcome them by seeing yourself in Christ and finding you have whatever you need to do what you are created to do.'

I asked my pastor today on my way out of the office, if God had ever spoken to him directly, how he knew what his calling was, or how he came about the decision to be in the career he was in.  He said over a course of four or five different conversations he came to his decision.  He explained that he'd be happy to go into the process another time, when we both have time to talk, but did give me one explanation of when he heard what he believed to be God speaking to him.  He had asked him a direct question, waited and meditated for an answer, which  he told me what was said, an indirect answer which brought him to his decision. 

I am currently not good at meditation.  I have read some articles and books about how beneficial it can be to your health and life, but as in those five minutes at the end of yoga last night reminded me, the clearing of all the anxieties, fears, thought, it's extremely challenging.

Reflecting back to my quote, 'Fear is the opposite of faith', apparently I need to learn how to strengthen my faith to help me overcome my fears.  Having faith is a big request, easier to do on some days than others.  As a radio announcer was saying on the way home from work yesterday, 'Wouldnt' it be nice if someone filled up your gas tank for you?  We are here to fill you up with faith and encouragement to get you where you need to be in life..."  It's true, for me at least, that listening to Christian music can recharge my faith, my hope, especially when you hear the right song, with the right lyrics speaking/calling out the words you so need to hear.

There have been quite a few cloudy days in my life lately, but sometimes, when I am willing to listen, a song like this plays for me:
Do you wonder why you have to, feel the things that hurt you, if there's a God who love you, where is He now?  Maybe, there are things you can't see and all those things are happening to bring a better ending, someday, somehow...So hold on, you gotta wait for the light.  Press on and just fight the good fight.  'Cause the pain that you've been feeling, it's just the dark before the morning...
-Before the Morning Lyrics by Josh Wilson

I realize life is always going to have it's ups and downs, it's cloudy and sunny days.  We were never promised that things would be easy and really if they were, how would we learn, what experience and wisdom would be gained if we weren't faced with challenges?  I think one of the keys to deal with this is to stay optimistic, focusing on the positives when the clouds roll back in.  We need to keep having faith and not allow ourselves to be stuck walking on a path with fear consuming us.

Trust me, I am well aware it is easier said than done.  How do you have faith, optimism, when you dont' have enough money in your bank account to gas up your minivan and the E light is lite up...when calls on your answering machine come in about bills you are behind on, yet you don't have the money yet to pay them either.  Let me tell you, it's not easy.  I finally got the courage, through lots of faith and prayers, to go to talk to someone about my financial situation a few weeks ago.  It was hard, make that extremely challenging to swallow my pride, admit I had failed on my own and ask for help.  I had to face the reality that I can't do this on my own and need help. 

That, my friends, was one of the cloudiest days lately.  The same day I spent the morning at the court house discovering there really was nothing I could do at this point regarding my ex husband.  But I am so glad I finally stopped fear from overcoming me and took a leap of faith, through the doors and into the office for finical assistance.  Come to find out, with a few more meetings and some budgeting homework following that first appointment, I discovered my credit history, which was not as horrific as I had dream it was, and am working with a women there to consolidate my debt, implementing a budget plan and working towards a better place.  I learned the fear in your mind, your imagination can create a picture so much more horrific that reality may actually be.

It's a process, but at least I am not losing sleep and living with that constant fear and anxiety.  I am holding myself accountable for how I spend/save my money and giving myself more credit, that I can make it work being a single mom on my own.  I am not a failure, just because my checkbook wasn't balancing or I was reaching for credit cards instead of facing reality to make ends meet.  It's way too easy to let negative self-talk take over on those cloudy days, but you just can't let fear win, really it's no way to live.

I am learning to have more faith in God, as well as in myself, truly I am.  But with anything you learn, it's a process and some days the process is a lot easier than others.  Speaking of learning, I am still, amidst the fear of dealing with money, the fear of facing threats from my ex husband head on, the fear of cancer or some other disease occurring in my life, the fear that I am not living up to my potential...not doing what God has created me to do...I am learning to question each of these fears.  Why can't I handle my own financial issues successfully, with prayer and guidance from God (because I was told by my parents as well as my ex husband I was no good at it?)  Why can't I have faith that God will protect me through the never ending issues my ex husband brings into my life (reality is I still have to have contact with him because of our children, but I don't have to let his fear control me anymore right?)  Why can't I pray for good health, while also making better choices on what I eat, how much sleep/exercise I get and making sure I have down time to meditate and/or destress and breathe?  Why can't I pray to God directly and ask him, what do you want me to do with my life?  How can I possibly live up to his expectations?  Okay, as I reread this, I must admit, it sounds like I am asking my earthly parents that questions as they have always set an unattainable bar for my sister and I...she's an aerospace engineer work with NASA and still feels she's not good/smart/successful enough...interesting how you read Christian authors that explain how your relationship with God can mirror you relationship with your own father/parents on earth. 

I suppose with all of this and many more issues, thoughts, questions and concerns racing through my mind in a hundred different directions, it would explain why meditating during those final five minutes of yoga was so challenging for me.  Practice, practice make perfect...I use to hear when I would have to practice the piano daily...okay, I have realized at this point in my life that there is no perfect, but practice, study, prayer...it sure can all help.

As I end my journal entry from this afternoon turned into a rambling blog post this evening, I go back to my initial question...what has God created me for?  Maybe it's not suppose to be answered yet...maybe it really is the journey, not the destination that matters...yet I am still on a quest to better understand me as well as how I can begin to reach at least a wiser version of myself.

Sunday Nights

I have said it before and I'm saying it again, I don't know what it is about Sunday nights.  There is something that just makes it so challenging to get myself to go to bed.  I know I'm tired, but I keep reading Facebook, or straightening up, cleaning off the kitchen counters, double checking my email...what is it that I'm waiting for, a call to tell me, it's time Lisa, stop and go to bed.

When you are living alone as a single parent, with no other adults in the house with you, to remind you to get yourself up off the chair, or off that computer, that you do indeed need and deserve a good night's rest, it's hard to get yourself to climb into that big empty bed.  Knowing there will be no one to join you, no one to cuddle up beside to fall asleep in the arms of or even just next too.  You'd think after a couple years, okay four now since I had to begin facing the empty bed, that it would become easier.  Sadly, I can say it does not.  The reality is, once you'd had that experience, those years of having someone there, you miss it.  Some nights more than others, but yes you miss the company.

This past week, another recent divorced single mother told me how she is getting better or working on self talking herself to get up off the couch, to turn off the TV and make herself go to bed.  I told her I was so relieved to hear it's not just me.  Personally, my laptop has taken over as my distraction of lately, but it's true, when it's just you, it's hard to motivate yourself to move.  For me, sometimes it's just that I'm too exhausted to battle getting up and turning off the lights, doing those last minute bedtime rituals and admitting I am making myself go to bed.  I either ran out of time or energy to accomplish any more in this day.  I am finally letting myself or rather making myself take a break and give my body a chance to recharge. Yet, doing that means I have to face another day.

Ah, the words of a pessimist I realize...have to face another day...have to hit the arm, feet on the floor, reality it ready to throw another punch of a day or week at you.  After last week, I feel like I'm a punching bag that needs a break.  I get it, life is not easy, it's not fair, but can it let up, give me a chance to get back into one of those peaks instead of lowering me further into the valleys.  When I think back to last Monday morning...if I knew what I was going to face during last week..surely I would have opted for hiding under my blanket.  I made it through I suppose, and as the optimist in me would say, it sure could have been a lot worse.  At the same time, I've had it with drama, stress, complications in my life.

Monday was going along okay, my children had an early release day from school and I was blessed to be able to be home with them, although I didn't really feel like I was with them that much as my parents that moved into town at the end of summer, decided my trees had to be trimmed/cut and it couldn't wait any longer.  So we spent the day, yes we as my Dad was convinced I wanted to help/be apart of this, as well as the fact that he is getting older and tires out more easily.  We took down the dead/decaying and almost dead last two of three clump river birch in my front yard, branches of two other trees that apparently were not at a safe distance from my house or my driveway.  The help was appreciated, but after that and raking with my kids before they arrived, that evening I was feeling it.  Hand sawing trees maybe a much less expensive option, but a more tiring one I must say.

That evening I began receiving texts from my lovely ex husband.  It began with a statement that he was in the ER, extremely sick and was not going to be able to take the kids Wednesday night.  I was taken back and then questioned the kids if Dad had been sick that morning/over the weekend as they had just spent their every-other-weekend weekend with him.  He was fine this morning, my daughter had said and I got to thinking and venting on a text to another friend or two, as I had to attend my Open House for the Preschool I work at as well as had made plans afterwards already.  One person said to call his bluff and just tell him no.  I did.  I texted back that I had to work.  He didn't expect me to question his and continue that he was in a hospital, we had massive thyroid issues, had fainted at work...I responded how did he know he'd still have to be there in two days.  That's when it start coming out...he loves the kids so much, he's doing this for me and the kids....I questioned if he was in Rehab, knowing he was facing a court date next week (well, tomorrow as I type this)...and he said..."you are going to hang me"...he continued on saying, "I'm doing this for them"  which I responded, "No, for the court"...I told him I knew about his 2nd OWI, that's it's public knowledge on CCAP and that he is facing jail time now.  "Yes, may be 60 days.  I'm so god damn scared!  I'm so sorry I have been a train wreck and doing this to try and save my job and take care of you guys.  I love them so much I would do anything and this for them"...I responded you are doing this for yourself, or rather thought I, but realized I said you did this to yourself, "Of course I did!  But I'm here now and want to be clean again!!!...." he continued on and I stepped back and had to breath.

A few years back I could have been sucked into his story, the way someone who is addicted tries to get someone like to feel empathy or sympathy or something for him.  Not anymore.  I have seen him do this multiple times.  I found out he had just obtained a lawyer that day and I'm quite sure the lawyer had told him if he self-checked in for Rehab, the judge would view that as a positive step and be easier on him.  I knew darn well that he wasn't going to the hospital for me and the kids, he was scared to death and freaking out, paranoid about what will happen next.  As I vented a little bit too much on Facebook, I received a few different response, a couple saying to call the hospitals and see if he even is at one.  I finally starting looking online and went to the website for the one he claimed he was at.  They didn't have a inpatient program for drinking or drugs there....so I took action and called the ER, as three different people had now suggested.  What I didn't expect, when I asked if he had checked in there, was for them to then put me directly through to him on the phone!  Yes, as soon as I heard his voice on the other end...telling me he was in a bad place, really messed up and needed help, I was taken back in time to the beginning of summer before our divorce began.  His voice was scared, almost shaking as his body was at times, curled up under the blanket on the basement couch, telling me, repeating to me that he can't lose his job, that he can't go to jail, that he can't eat, sleep, extreme paranoid little child was shining threw again.  The past time, he was facing sexual assault charges against a female co-worker during a Dells business/social getaway in which I overheard him on the phone saying how drunk he was, etc...and honestly at that point in his state of mind/life I didn't know what to believe anymore.  I tried to stand by his side but he was so secretive and so unlike the man I had ever known, so out of control of his impulses in terms of drinking at home, I had no clue what he was capable of in a situation away.

He explained to me that they were checking his levels of potassium or something that the next day a coworker at my work said, yes, they'd be low if his liver was in bad shape...and that he had just realized they didn't have an impatient program there and they'd be sending him home that night after running a few more tests.  Really?  You went to check in for inpatient rehab and didn't bother to check and see if they had it at the hospital?  That makes total sense....not.

So I have the lovely job of calling my parents and telling them I need them to watch my kids because my ex husband is checking into rehab or is in such awful shape he once again is backing out of watching our kids.  They agree and I make it through most of Tuesday, until the texts from him return.  This time in an entirely different manner...he claims he met with another doctor to get an assessment and he doesn't have a severe enough drinking probably to check in to rehab, that he's okay and will be now taking the kids...SERIOUSLY????  You want me to trust you in taking our kids now????  Oh yes, and one of the many lovely texts I received upon parking my car at the soccer field, just as I was going to coach my son's team was, "I was assessed at stage 1 dependency which is the lowest and stage 5 is the highest, and I was 100% honest with them.  So need to figure out a plan B next.  In the meantime I'm not drinking at all now and have meds to curb the desire to drink which seem to work.  Lisa-want me back, the old me, for the kids..."

Um, yah, I really didn't need all that drama before I was heading out on the soccer field to work with my own child as well as 16 more...practice went well, I was able to focus temporarily on other things, but once the kids were back home, in bed for the night, my mind starting churning out of control again.  Already, friends advised me to keep the kids, to go to the courthouse and declare him unstable and to seek temporary full custody.  I received more texts, one saying, "I have more tests at the hospital but will be home by then (for me to drop off the kids).  Long story but they found several significant issues with my health, one was critical they just caught in time.  Just so u know if I do die, you can't get child support and I have ZERO life insurance on me for anyone to be a beneficiary.  Couldn't afford it.  So good thing ur parents are in town now."

It was with that text that I got my camera back out and began taking pictures of my phone with the texts-time and date for evidence, emailed the two coworkers that I had to go to the court house for personal business and would not be in at work tomorrow and went to town documenting, loading, ordering one hour photos to be picked up in the mornings.  This was now the third item he was in Contempt of Court, breaking the MSA and stating that he was directly to me.  On top of the face that i was told on Wednesday mornings, the Family Services offers free legal time with lawyers so I got the kids off to school and headed to get some answers, to find out what I can do for my kids.  Did I have to send them Wednesday night, with their Dad in the condition he was in/state of mind he was in? 

After finding out that it wasn't until two hours later that the lawyer volunteering their time were in, I had more than enough time to sit in the cafeteria/lower level lobby to wait and reread harassing texts, he MSA to see what all he was not following and to get rather depressed.  Finally, I discovered a couple people were standing around the door down the way...come to find out there is a sign in for this opportunity to meet with a lawyer, and as the women said, placing the sign up sheet in hall, once at least ten of us were there, please be honest and write your names in the order you arrived...that didnt' happen.

Finally I was called back to meet with the women, whom I had to sign a wavier that I could not be promised confidentiality, that I would not be able to be represented in a court and that the lawyer could not give legal advice, rather get answer questions and guide you in directions to receive answers.  Well, in terms of the MSA, having no insurance, not providing the tax forms for the two years, they were both something I would need to fill out a packet for, receive a court date and then argue that he is in contempt for not following the MSA in front of a judge.  As for the harassing texts, in which the Civil Judge back in August told me to take up his harassing in Family Court...this women claimed that he was already tired and cleared of harassment based on those texts so they would no longer stand up in a court room.  Next, she told me that with the check I received a month late, in which I had photographed this summer, for a portion of my child support, it was indeed written up in the MSA that I could send in a "ex parte" and then he would be required to pay all child support through direct deposit.  Now, writing up this order needs to be done by a lawyer, mailed in and then the process will begin.  I dont' have money for a lawyer, which is why I was there.  Finally, after hearing about the 2nd OWI, the behavior and texts I have been receiving, she said legally you have to take teh kids to him, follow the MSA and allow him to have his placement time or you will be in Contempt of Court, breaking the MSA/Law.  Your only option is to go through Family Court and argue full or more custody.  That was it and within less than 10 minutes it was be on your way, next please.

I left the court house as I had many times before...questioning why on earth did I even come here....paying the parking for the morning upon leaving the lot, I really questioned, on the little money I have right now, why did I waste it on gas and this.  As I drove away and onto my other appointment I had that afternoon I felt helpless once again.  At least I had received some answers I was told, when telling a friend about it later.  Taking my kids to their dad's, waiting in the pouring rain as he showed up late to his driveway, I drove back into Madison for my Open House quite depressed....so much so that later, once I finally got home for the evening, I put my flannel PJs on, tried to type online and finally, quite sad and depressed quoted a verse from the bible or two on Facebook, said I was too exhausted/drained to post my blog that night and went to bed.  I made it through work the next day, which was my long day...working from 8:30 until 7/7:30 at night....came home, finished helping with homework, getting kids to bed and could hardly enjoy escaping into my Thursday night TV characters lives.  I fell asleep early and got up to face a busy Friday.  When I arrived to teach Friday morning, it's the one day I assist for part of the time, I arrived to find out I was suddenly leading and a sub was coming to assist...a sub that ended up not really knowing how to work with children this age and ended up having issues creating more stress that I couldn't really take right then.  I made it through and over to the other campus to hopefully find the Pastor I really need to talk too...but sadly, he was busy and by the time he wasn't I was in a meeting that went until I had to be home for my kids arriving off the school bus.  I did receive a text from him asking what was up (the Pastor) to which I replied, "Life is getting too much for me right now."  We decided we'd try and talk next week.

The kids arrived home excited it was Friday (I'm glad someone was, as after finding out the direct deposit from work didn't work, receiving a call on the answering machine that a bill payment was able to be made due to insufficient funds in my account...).  We got out all the paints, as I had promised and they began painting both mini pumpkins as well as their boats for Sunday's (today's) Cub Scout Rain Gutter Regatta.  Oh, I forget to mention, I didn't have any sandpaper and had to have my Dad drive over and bring some, which meant stay and help sand for a bit.  I was at the same time getting everything ready for the Den Meeting I was leading in less than an hour.  We made it to and through the meeting, came home and finally got to bed, as we had to get up for soccer the next morning, as well as the day with my relatives coming to visit from out of town.  Was I feeling any better Friday night, I would say definitely not.  A good friend had emailed Friday evening that she was keeping me in her prayers, as she could see my eyes welled up, trying to hold back tears during our opening devotion at our meeting Friday afternoon.  I thanked her and later, Saturday night spoke with her for a bit.  I told her there is nothing else really she can do right now.

As a friend at work had told me Thursday afternoon at work, "Sometimes you can't go around it, can't go over it, you just have to go through it"...from a bible lesson she was doing with children that day and had thought of me.  She's right.  Sometimes you just have to keep going, somehow and get through things in life.   We got through to today, somehow found and got the boats sprayed/waterproofed an hour before the race, somehow, I ended up volunteering to time one of the 8 lanes and enjoyed every minute of it...the best part, was seeing first my son, win second place-a ribbon and small award for all of the Tiger Scouts in town...and then hearing my daughter won a first place ribbon for the open class as they called the sibling competition.  They both came home so excited, so full of joy.  I tried to remember this is what matters, seeing the smiles while they were racing, painting the boats Friday afternoon as well. 

Saturday night, after the relatives left, I had promised (once I had money in my account again) we would go shopping for Halloween costumes.  Little did I know the selection for a fourth grade girl, two weeks before Halloween is rather slim.  I learned the hard way, traveling to four different stores...with two tired out kids.  Finally, at a store that at least had four to pick from, this is it, you can pick one of these or we'll make one at home...she found an adult costume in an aisle near by and declared, I will be a witch this year, only if you'll buy the Mom costume and dress up as a twin with me...so we can match!  Okay, that moment, amongst all the stressful ones this week, will truly stand out in my mind forever.  My almost 10 year old daughter, who I can't sing, dress, where my hair right around wanted to match me for Halloween.  You'd better believe we bought the costumes, as depressed as I was at the check out that I was now paying for an addition adult costume that was not in my budget, I was just going to have to make it work.

As I sat here tonight, trying to decide whether to go to bed or type, not knowing if my ex husband will be going to court tomorrow (as he claimed he was heading to Chicago for work and having his lawyer just show up)...whether anything is decided or they have to have another court date first.  I am aware there will be jail time in the near future that he will not be taking the kids during, as far as when, how much, if they'll have him do rehab as well again, as they did two years ago when he had his first OWI....I don't know.  Knowing I can't making any plans, don't know if I'll have any "me time" in the weeks again...not knowing if he'll lose his job and if I'll end up not having enough money to pay my bills....it's too much to think and worry about anymore.  I was practically making myself sick last week over it all.  I realize it's out of my hands.  All I can do is pray, wait and pray.  Oh yes, and enjoy the smiles on my amazing children's faces (when they arent' fighting or waking me up an hour early on a Saturday morning I can barely face).

I suppose I can make myself enter that empty bed now.  As I have no clue what this next week will bring, honestly, I don't want to know. 

Searching for...

I just entered into my Facebook post, "I love my book, The Search for Significance:  Seeing Your TRUE WORTH through GOD'S EYES".  As I reluctantly picked staying home in my PJs on this night off from my kids.  Yes, I turned off my Television, more surprisingly, closed my laptop and picked up the book I had begun a few weeks back.  Apparently it was time to hear what God, or perhaps the author, Robert S. McGee had to say to me. 

I had met with my Pastor, a few weeks back, when I was just about to begin this book, asking if he had heard of it, after also discussing the current state of chaos in my life.  He said, his good friend, I believe was also once a fellow Pastor, had gave it to him a few years back and it was an excellent book.  This was good news, as I was debating if I was going to take the time and effort to really read and apply it to my life.  As most people that know me already know, the only books I chose to read (other than children's books to my kids at home or at school) are self-help, motivational, religious inspirational...something that I will hopeful gain some knowledge of myself or the world around me from reading and investing my time in.

Tonight, feeling a bit exhausted from all I have become involved in this past month, I sat with my feet up unsure what to do, think, feel.  As usual, I could have started the evening, blogging about the most recent news relating to my ex-husband, never a dull moment there.  But instead, something moved me to begin reading again.  I am so glad I did.  This book is one of those books you need to be in the right mindset, the ability to focus, to get through and gain incite from.  For the first time, in a long time, I actually got out a highlighter as well as filled out the question and answer portions.  Why then, if this book is so good, did I take a break from it to type in my blog you are wondering?  Well, the summary of the last chapter.  It not only summarize what the author had been trying to convey, but what I and perhaps some of you reading this, needed to hear.

On page 113:

These passages describe the stable and secure identity we have in Christ.  It is our privilege to be His children; to experience His love, forgiveness, and power; and to express our appreciation of Him to others.  Allow me to summarize the four great doctrines we have been pointing to as the solution for the four false beliefs:

1.  Because of justification, you are completely forgiven and fully pleasing to God.  You no longer have to fear failure.

2.  Because of reconciliation, you  are totally accepted by God.  You no longer have to fear rejection.
RE READ THIS ONE LISA, OFTEN

3.  Because of propitiation, you are deeply loved by God.  You no longer have to fear punishment, nor do you have to punish others.

4.  Because of regeneration, you have been made brand-new, complete in Christ.  You no longer need to experience the pain of shame.
RE READ THIS ONE LISA, DAILY!!!!

...thus ends the quote...sorry I've been out of college over ten years now and forget the proper way to quote a passage...well, then again they didn't have blogs back then, so I just plain don't know the way to quote in a blog!  Sorry, I hope I haven't offended anyone.  WAIT, it's me, feeling guilt again, feeling you'll reject me...yup, need to reread my quote.

Working in a church the past three years years now, I have been learning more about my faith as I go.  I believe in any Christian's life this is a goal, but God brought me to this job, which I am blessed to have, so I believe he may have had some ulterior motives.  I was not raised a Lutheran, so the UCC church I did grow up in really didn't spend much time discussing the term Grace.  In the past year at work, I have heard numerous time, for multiple kind co-workers, Lisa, you really need to learn more/read about/study/understand GRACE!!! 

Apparently and not surprisingly, knowing myself as I am beginning to, I was overflowing with guilt, shame, I'm sure apologizing profusely as I tend to do.  I remember when I was teaching first grade in town, oh, sadly more than 10 years ago, one of my best friends to this day, and co-worker at the time, began telling me she was going to start charging me a dollar each time I apologized to her for something!  I am blessed to have her and others looking out for me. 

When I began reading Chapter 9, titled SHAME and with the quote following it, "I am what I am , I cannot change. I am hopeless."  I sadly thought of how many times I had repeated those words or some form of them in my mind over the years.  As much as I am outwardly an optimist, an upbeat, happy, cheerful, bubbly, smiley, probably make some people want to puke person...inside and while I'm on my own, I'm not.  Whether it's from inferiority years ago, low self-esteem, mistakes I have made, somehow I have become filled with, flooded with unnecessary shame and guilt that I just can't make go away on my own.  Reading through the chapter, "Too  often our self-image rests solely on an evaluation of our past behavior, being measured only through a memory.  Day after day, year after year, we tend to build our personalities on the rubble of yesterday's personal disappointments." pg 96.

Yup, that is still me, feeling insecure that I am the only single-mom, or even single-parent who lives on our street.  That I am looked at differently, that people look down on me because of the fact my lawn is not kept up as well as some of the others, that my driveway hasn't been repaved as it probably should be, that I am some how not good enough to have a new spouse yet.  In reality, when I typed out or journal on paper, the thoughts that play through my mind, they sound almost self-centered.  Why should I think everyone is waisting their time thinking about me anyway.  Regardless, the point this book is making is that we are loved unconditionally by God.  That we should be looking to him and only him for approval and self-worth.  Earlier in the book, the author uses the formula of "Self-Worth = Performance + Others' Opinions"  The author refers to this equation as Satan's lie.  I personally have been sadly living it for quite a while.  I don't do in intentionally, but yes, I admit, I look to the comment and opinions of others to help define my self-worth.  Wise?  No, of course not, but it is often done subconsciously.  I am not aware of it until after I'm doing it and then my guilt and shame kick in.  Not a very healthy way to live, I know.  That's why I am working on changing myself for the better!

When the subheading of CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIPS appeared, it hit a little bit of a nerve too, imagine that.  I am aware I have been in that pattern before, but the part I didn't realize until reading this section, many people enter codependent relationships to overcome their sense of shame.  It goes on in a lot more detail, but I hadn't heard that aspect before.  I realize, through counseling, self-help books, or just self-reflection on my part, that I have entered into my past relationships without first gaining back enough of my own self-worth and self-esteem...or rather I thought I had in the past year or so and looking back, am not so sure I didnt' start to fall back into old habits/patterns.  When reading about healthy relationship and ones that are emotionally dependent, sadly, I tended to fall into the second category.  I appreciated the reminder in a following chapter that we can change.  "When we trust Christ and experience new life, forgiveness, and love, our lives will begin to change.  Still, regeneration does not effect an insintanous change in the full realm of our performance.  We will continued to stumble and fall at times, but the Scriptures clearly instruct us to choose to act in ways that reflect our new lives and values in Christ." pg 107.  I liked the reminder that we will stumble, we fail, as those people that have issues as I do with perfectionism or black and white thinking...that if I failed, it's over....one cookie and it might as well be five...one mistake and I'm done for....a reminder that we must keep trying, keep going.  Whether it's a goal to lose weight, control spending, drinking, whatever it may be, perhaps to gain a healthy self-worth through Christ, you have to understand that with any change in your life, there will be set backs.  As the book says, "Confess your sins, worship God, and get on with your life."  That's my favorite.

Okay, closing the book and back to the rest of my life.  I have discovered since the last time I blogged, that my ex-husband will be going to court in a week and a half for his second OWI, which from my understanding is a basically a DWI, Drinking While Intoxicated offense.  I don't know, but I have been researching a bit of Wisconsin law and am not sure what will happen then.  It appears it could be anything from a fine, Huber law, time in jail....regardless, he does not know I have found out about this violation.  So interestingly enough, I received a text stating he will be in Chicago that week and won't be able to take the kids.  Hmmmm.  Not sure what that means in the big picture of my life.  I also spoke again with the women in charge of our Child Protective Services Case and she informed me that her 60 days with us are about to end and she'll be writing up our report soon.  Even after telling her about the recent discovery, really it doesn't make any difference.  In reality, they are getting access to food, "Pop Tarts and soda perhaps, more like snacks", but the fact that there is food in the house shows he is not in neglect there.  He denied ever leaving the kids home alone, etc. etc. so pretty much there is nothing they can do.  I can get a copy of the report when she is done.  She did suggest I speak with Family Services in the Court House about the violations of the MSA.  So, that will be my next step, but I am waiting until her report is done as well as his court date has occurred. 

I guess I am doing all I can at this time for my kids.  Staying in touch with the local police, keeping records of what all is happening.  Not much more I feel I can right now.  I am trying to focus my energy and time towards the kids...via Soccer Coaching, assisting in leading Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts...as they are only this age once and since I have the time, I feel I should put it to good use.  Instead of wasting energy at night on Match websites, why not plan for their events, or read and work on making me the best me I can be.  Well, staying in touch via Facebook, etc comes in to play as well, but I'm trying to control that addiction too.  I am happy to say I am back in the swing of things at work too.  Teaching, directing and now adding music classes to my list.  It has been a fun start to the school years in terms of work, which is good. 

I still have a part of me desiring a man in my life, I guess that's because I am human.  After reading Sacred Singleness, I tried taking a different view point on things and still am putting it in God's hands, so when it's meant to be it will work out.  But at the same time, I was happy to hear my Pastor point out, "Yah well, that's all well and good in a book, but in reality who doesn't want someone to go to dinner or a movie with, someone to talk about their day or life with".  Yup, he hit the nail right on the head there!  I am just taking the attitude that it will happen...it's in God's hands and boy will we all be celebrating when it does.  Regardless, I am listing off in prayer each night all the many ways I am so blessed.  My children, my friends, my job, a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear...I could go on and on but this entry is long enough.

Good Night or back to reading....

Four years ago today...

Four years ago today, the papers were filed, I told my sister on the phone as I was driving home from yoga tonight.  I continued, explaining that I had planned on writing in my journal over lunch about this, but as I had to drop off my forms to be a Girl Scout Troop Leader for my daughter's troop, I didn't end up having time.  I told her, since I am helping out as a Leader in my son's Cub Scout Den, I might as well help out with her Troop...and they really needed a second leader, as one of the main two was stepping down.  When I told my good friend this today, she laughed at me, why not!  You are already Coaching your son's soccer, a leader in Cub Scouts, teaching preschool, now teaching music classes, beginning Spark Night (our church's mid-week ministry) next week...why not take on Girl Scouts too.

Really, I was planning to type on how great I was feeling about my life.  How I am blessed to have the time and opportunity to do all these wonderful things right now in my life.  I am not having to deal with surgery or cancer treatments.  I am no longer searching Match, or Christian Mingle websites searching for "the one".  I am trying to see the good, the positives of what I've been given.
I have been listening to Christian music again and reminded when I am driving to and from work, reminded that 'we lose our way...we get back up again' and 'sometimes a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know your his'.  It's hard to trust God when things in your life get challenging.  I know, that's when you need him most, but it's hard to understand why he allows things to happen. 

I found two new books, one of which I have finished since my last entry, 'Sacred Singleness' by Leslie Ludy and 'The Search for Significance' which I have just begun.  The first book pointed out that God is asking you to look for him to fill all of your needs.  That he can and will be there in ways a earthly prince can not.  I understood, agreed with the idea that our discontentment with singleness can't be solved by finding a guy.  Also, that we can't expect another man/women to meet every need and longing of our heart.  The idea is stated to laid everything down at the feet of my King...I died to self's agenda..the moment I truly began to live for the first time.'  To allow yourself to let go and to trust God to script our love story in His own perfect time, without manipulation on our part.

I believe in God, I know he has plans for my life, that he has blessed me in so many ways, I couldn't possibly list them all here.  Why is it, then, that when it comes to trusting him to bring my "soul mate" to me in His perfect time, seems crazy to me?  Is it because I am impatient?  Or that I just don't know that he will.  That I prayed for things to work out for my ex-husband and I, which it did not, and now I don't know what to believe.

Four years ago, I had read books on The Power of a Praying Wife and thought my prayers weren't strong enough, or weren't being heard.  Now, I know they were.  They were just being answered in a way I didn't think I wanted back then.  I am not saying God wanted me to get divorced, go through the suffering and pain I have, but in doing so, I truly am in a better place today.

When I was talking to my sister, on the ride home tonight, I sarcastically told her, "Yeah, four years later and I can I write how much better things are?  I dropped off my kids at his place tonight, he came over to my minivan and told me I'd better watch out, those phone calls I'm making about his friends, they know and I'd be watching out if I were you."  I continued on, "I looked straight into his rough looking eyes, his weather face and said I have no clue what you are talking about, I haven't made any phone calls"...he just continued, "They know, they know and I'd watch out."  I just rolled up the window and drove away.  Unfortunately, letting him get to me once again.

As I told her, it's not as much him, but if he's convincing ex-cons, guys involved in drugs, that I am calling the police?  I am really not sure who he thinks I am calling...if they are after me...that is what scared me tonight.

My sister, trying to look on the bright side, said, "Well, at least you aren't married to him anymore!".  True, but I still have to leave my kids with him.  Which is very upsetting at times like tonight.  I drove past our closed police station, not sure what to do and decided I'd head to Yoga Class at Gold's, as I couldn't sit home alone right now with my thoughts.  I made it through class...almost starting crying when we got to the "silence time" when we are suppose to be "at peace"...hard to be at peace when your life is being threatened again and there is nothing you can do about it.

I started my day so positive, so upbeat...I was excited to have made Turkey bacon and waffles for the kids before they headed off to school.  We had another successful soccer practice last night and tomorrow night, the kick-off for the Mid-Week Ministry I get to direct...which honestly, is like a night with my second family.  I can't wait to get that going again...I am enjoying my new additional job running music classes at the preschool, as well as teaching again...I am blessed in so many ways.  If only I didn't have to worry about my checking account (another battle to tackle another day) and my ex husband life would be ohh soo good!  Okay, as many of my shirts say, Life Is Good.  We all have battles to face.  We are suppose to get through them and become stronger, wiser when we are standing at the end.  I am blessed and so much wiser than four years ago...just imagine where I'll be in fourt more!

I Don't Know How She Does It

As I sit with my dog curled up at my footrest, well, let's face it, she's taken over the entire thing at this point, I have just finished loading, sharing and ordering pictures from today's outing.  After watching as much footage of the 9-11 America Remembers coverage as I could take, I decided it was time, time for my adventure.

Last night, I went to the sneak preview of "I Don't Know How She Does It" with Sara Jessica Parker and many other great stars.  The idea behind the movie is to reveal how a working mom does it these days.  It was entertaining, regardless of how she managed to juggle it all, it was indeed a movie, not reality.  I then headed to Barnes and Noble, one of my favorite places on a Saturday night when I don't have plans.  To look at books, or magazines as it was last night, to be around people without necessarily being with people.  It's a good thing.  While I was there, I saw a set of Ebony pencils, the kind I used in my art classes in college.  It was then that I had the idea.  Tomorrow was to be a beautiful Sunday, one of the last near 80 and sunny for September I am sure.  I decided I was going to do one of those items on the women's magazine's DO LIST, as I had read yesterday...Go Hiking Alone.

I hadn't been hiking or through the beautiful paths of Devil's Lake State Park for a year now and there was no reason not having a man in my life means that I can't go do those fun date things, on my own!  I packed a backpack with a water bottle, my camera, an old sketchbook and my new art pencils and set out on the road.  On my drive up I decided brunch at my favorite place overlooking the water in Prairie du Sac was a must.  Again, it had been a year since I had been there and I've so wanted to go back.

As I sat out on the beautiful patio, overlooking the river, I took a deep breath and smiled.  It was beautiful.  Whether a table for two, or just a table for me.  It was here that I would come with the man I was dating a year ago right now.  He had introduced me to the place and it just shouted out my name.  I love the view and the warm strawberries over gellato wasn't bad either!

When I was done, I took a walk on the path below, a little ways down the river.  It's amazing how peaceful it is being near water again.  I was able to hear and then see the ripples from a fish emerging from nearby.  I could have pulled up a seat and just gazed out into the still, sun-sparkling water for hours, but I also looked forward to the hike ahead.  So I headed back to my minivan and away I went.

I was almost to the park, when I saw a sign for an Apple Orchard just off the main road and decided, as I had no timeline today (what an amazing feeling this week!), I would stop and check it out.  I didn't end up purchasing any apples, but did enjoy the beautiful sunflowers outside.  Photography is so much fun.  When you find a subject to capture, to bring that memory, that image back home with you.  It is an amazing thing cameras can do.  Now, with digital technology, I can come back home that very same day and view, relive all the memories once again.

When I finally made it into the park, with my pack on and ready to go, I set out.  Through the small clearing of sunlit leaves, it was upwards on onwards for me!  The fresh air was amazing, as was all the beautiful green foliage everywhere around me.  The sun trickling through just illuminated everything even more!  I discovered, although I entered the trail alone, I really wasn't.  Their were families, couples and individuals out and about, enjoying the wonderful weather with me.  I was up at a bluff that I discovered my seat.  A large rock overlooking the cliff.  It was so picturesque that I ended up taking pictures for at least three of four of individuals or couple that kindly asked if I would please do them a favor.  It was after a bit more pictures that I finally set my camera down on the rock next to me and broke out the pencils.  I was so nervous as I didn't know what to sketch, but I knew it was time. 

I began with the rocks and trees around me, but my pencil just couldn't do them justice...nothing like I was hoping my pictures had.  Then I looked down at my hands.  I recalled a piece of art I had to do for an assignment in a drawing class back in college.  Draw a picture of your hands, study every line, shape, form that your hand creates.  I remembered how I had wrote out the word ART, using my sketches of hands to display each letter in sign language.  I decided it had been way to long and I had to try.  I began trying to draw the image of two hands folded in prayer.  It was then I realized the perspecitive of that image straight-on does not have much detail to it.  I had already drawn a set of hands, open hands reached out to receive communion.  It was time for some hope, both in my life as well as on the paper, so the sketching then began.  I sketched out each letter, trying not to keep erasing, criticizing myself for messing up so often.  I finally stopped, as the breeze was picking up and I had been sitting there for a couple hours. 

As I headed back down the trail, I was again in awe how the light shine on the green leaves in such a way, they appear to be lit by backlighting on a stage.  I was beginning to feel a little bit sore inside, from Tuesday and was glad I hadn't pushed it to make it any further on the trail.  Oh wait, I don't believe I had told you about my birthday afternoon.  It was Thursday afternoon, after making it through the first morning of Preschool with my 2 1/2-3 Year olds and I was on my way to lunch when I received the call.  The doctor said the biopsy showed that I was not at the high elevated level for pre-cancer cells and did not require surgery at this time.  I didn't know what to say, but know it was one of the best birthday presents I could have received. 

The day itself, with an overtired daughter, fourth grade orientation to attned, it was nice, just a bit exhuasting.  Like any other day during that first full week back to school and the lack of sleep and trying to adjust to a new schedule kicks in as the kids begin the grumpy/tired children syndromy.  But somehow we survived, or rather I survived.

I survived the week to, as it stayed stressful up through Friday night.  Yes, as I had to cancel, or rather work on rescheduling my birthday celebration with my friends.  It was and is always a good thing that I can stay hoem with the kids, even if it was their Dad's night/weekend to take them and decided he was too busy and exhausted too.  I made it through co-coaching our first soccer scrimmage and helped set up Brew Fest for the Soccer Club, only with my kids at the park within viewing distance as I helped with what I could.  Finally at 1:15 in the afternoon, I heard from my ex-husband, letting me know he just work up and asked if I coudl bring the kids out.  As I received hsi following texts on how exhausting it is working a full time job...as if I didn't know.  I SOOOOO wanted to reply...it's also exhuasting to begin your first week back teaching, with a double-biopsy and fears of having cancer racing through your mind and heart.  But I didn't.  I will not complain to him let alone share anything or provide more reasons for him to pick on or tease me.  I simply said I'd leave soon to drop the kids off, which I did and look so foward to seeing again tomorrow as they get off that school bus. 

Tomorrow night it's attending our first Cub Scout meeting and other world in the life of my son begins.  I hope it's a great experience for him, as my daughter has enjoyed Girl Scouts.  Speaking of, I'll have to check on when their first meeting is, as I know coming up this fall, before long, it will be Cookie Time!  Speaking of sweet treats, I must also add the ending of my day out and about enjoying the fresh air, came to a close when my friend treated me to food at Spreaker's, where we got to dine outside near a firetable and with a beautiful clear sky.  It is such a blessing to end the day with a friend, especailly one who is like a sister to you, an additional sister that God has blessed me with.  We chatted about work, kids, men, illness, religion, parenting, you name it, it probably came up!  As much as I was ready to stay home with my feet up, as I was loading my pictures from the hike online, it was a good thing I got my rump up off this chair and went to join her.  You forget how power, how rewarding time with a close friend can be.

Time to go to bed and instead of making my to-do lists on the ceiling, as the movie last night showed, I'll be sure to bring a pencil and paper with me.  As the script of the movie was accurate, at least in my case, that when a mom goes to bed at night, the lists begin to form, whether we want them too or not.  At least this week, my lists don't involve medical testing and hopefully not any visits to the court house or police stations, but rather ideas for new art projects or fun ideas to spend time doing with my children as the fall weather and colors are quickly appoarching and I can't wait!

Tired, tender and can't take much more...

As I lay in bed, unable to sleep, trying to hold back tears, I am reflecting on what I last typed on Facebook before going to bed. I am tired of being strong.  As I laid there, I knew I needed sleep but unable to as tears kept bubbling up from inside. I thought to myself, you are not strong Lisa, why did you type that.  Then I had one of those little cramps or uncomfortable feelings from my tender insides as I am having currently as I type.  I feel weak, not strong.  I feel like you do after you've had the flu and you just want to be curled up in a blanket and someone hold you in your arms, telling you it's going to be okay. 

I continued to think about having arms holdling me, being held, hugged, comforted.  I don't understand what I have done wrong, or not done, or why I am laying here on this day alone.  I am then reminded of even when I was married, it didn't mean there weren't night, many, that I lay in a bed next to someone and still felt alone.

What did I do?  Why is it that so many other people out there in the world are able to find a kind, caring, loving spouse, a rock with they need it, a companion, a best friend to share days like this with.  Why not me?  What did I do?  What I have I done wrong?  Why I am having to feel like a little child crying and cuddled up in a blanket wanting to be held?

I don't understand a lot of things.  I don't understand why some people get sick.  I don't understand why some people treat others the way they do.  I don't understand why we have to go through challenging times over and over and over again.  Have I not learned my lesson?  Am I missing something? 

What did I do to deserve today?  Why do I have to have so much drama in my life?  Am I asking for it by how I live, by the choices I make?  If I am, could I please ask for a different path?  I don't understand what I am doing wrong, what I've done to deserve all these battles and when they will end.

Apparently I had too much self confidence going into my appointment today.  I had heard from many females that irreglarities are not that uncommon, that it's probably nothing.  I loaded my minivan with outgrown clothes to take to a resale shop, a couple things for Goodwill and some items to drop off at church.  With all the cleaning and organizing I'd been doing the last couple days, I figured I'd get stuff out of here when my appointment was done.  I had a return at Home Depot. Yup, I was going to be productive, I had it all planned.

When I was taken back to the exam room, was when I discovered it was more than I had realized.  It was a room I hadn't been in before, with a centered bed do they call them with stir-ups out and a few different machines and lots of instruments out.  I was set in my mind that I can handle an annaul female physical, this wont' be much different.  Well, after the weight and blood pressure check the nurse started entering data on the computer about my "....inoscopy" procedure today.  No, I didn't catch the first term, but when it's called a procedure, and in a room in unchartered territory my anxiety sensor turned on.  After finishing up the quetions...do you plan to have more kids some day?  Well, I did once, but after four years on my own, I really don't know anymore...she said to stay dressed for now as the doctor would be in to speak with me about the procedure first.

She came in, got out a scrap piece of paper and a pen and began to draw a diagram for me...which is good as I am a visual learner.  But I interupted breifly to let her know that my ear that was bugging me a week ago when I was in, is a lot worse, it felt plugged up yesterday and today, sounds odd when I try and talk and hurts to touch it or try and sleep on it at all.  She checked it out quick and said, huh...yup, that's swimmer's ear alright.  Questioned if I'd been putting Q-Tips in or anything and I replied it's been itching/irrated so much, but just my finger/fingernail to try and make it feel better.  Okay, so ear-drops were typed in on the computer...at least I had an answer quickly to that...and back to the scratch paper.

The first thing on the paper was what looked like stairs.  She labled the bottom step "abnormal cells" and the top "cancer".  The lables inbetween escape my mind right now but I do remember I was a few steps up from my orginal physical last week, which is why I was sitting in the chair listening to what was about to happen next.  She explained that there is an extremelly good chance I have HVP, pretty much sure I do.  I had done too much searching on the internet about it since her call on Friday, and she scolled me rightfuly for doing so.  My doctor compared it to the chicken poxs.  It's a virus that once you have it's there for life.  It may resurface...it may not.  There is no way of knowing where you got it, as it has no symtoms when you contract it.  For men, not only does it not have systems, there are no test to see if they are carring it.  So, she reminded me it could have been from my first sexual partner (which happens to have been my husband) or from your most recent.  It can be in your body and never show a sign.  What probably happened is when I had a new sexual partner I either contracted it from then, causing the cells to change in my body/to create a reaction or having a new partner can trigger it if it's been hiding with no symptons for an unknown amount of years.  There is no form of protection out there from preventing it and is why somewhere around 80% or more adults have it and most are unaware they do.  I had went through beating myself up over this the other night when she had called and I was reseraching online.

The only way to not get it or be sure it doesn't reappear again is to not have sex.  I even questioned her today, so what does this mean?  That I can never have sex with someone again?  She reminded me that a high number of people already have it.  That there is no symptoms for men and if I did have sex again, it wouldn't necessarily mean I he would contract it, nor is there any way of knowing if he doesn't already have it, since it can not be tested.  The only concern is that if/when I do have a new partner there is that chance that it could reoccur in my body.  So what does that mean I questioned?  She said to try and find one partner and stay monogomous.

Well, yes, that was what I did from my first experience until four years ago in my early thirthies beginning a divorce.  I never wanted to have a new partner, I never wanted to go back out or start in the dating world.  Yet I was not cut out to be a nun and do not want to spend the rest of my life celebite or alone.  So where does that leave me...back to the piece of paper to find out what to do with my current situation.

She explain the proceedure would include quite a few different parts, the one machine has a microscope to view inside...the different swipes and samples...I'll spare you the details...then she mentioned, as she had on the phone, that if needed while I am there and see something, will get a bioposy.  Then it was time for her to leave the room and re-enter with my sheet drapped over me.  It was a good half-hour of being in, what women know as that not-so-comfortable position...I was even more tense and tight not knowing the rountine as I do for the annual ones by now in life.  I was hanging in there, staring at a focal point of a random pattern on the ceiling...already had made the suggestion of a poster up there like dentist offices have to look at...and it was when she explained now I am going to do the biopsy that my tense muscles really got shaking.  As she knows of my anxieties, she explained exactly what was about to happen and I made the mistake of looking at the tool she was going to be taking skin out of my body with.  Yes, she found not one but two locations of concern as I was starting to feel faint now or something.  Apparently I was looking it too as they were asking me what I had to eat today, to keep talking to them, etc.  After the second one the doctor explained they had medicine that might sting or erratate me but will help control or hopefully stop the bleeding  (bleeding I thought it my mind really started feeling queasy)...she continued with the routine of what I can't do for two weeks...no baths, sex, etc. so that I have time to heal inside.  Then that I will probably have some spotting and cramping over the next couple days, to take ibuprofen and take it easy, no exercise...ah wait, I am leading the drills for my son's soccer team tonight I spoke up with...nope, not anymore she said.  Okay tears stay in the eyes, in the eyes....she said I could sit or stand on the sidelines but the less moving around the better.

As she finished up, and started raising the back of the examining table, was when I really was weak apparently it showed on my face...so she laid me back down, had the nurse get me some cool washcloths help me get my breathing back to normal.  The doctor asked if I had someone bring me today/to take me home...I hadn't even thought of doing that...here I had a list of errands to run...I could tell in my rapid breathing and trickling tears that those weren't going to happen either.  She said, once I was doing a little better she'd be back in to explain what happens next.  It took a little bit, but she returned...explaining that she did not see any cancer.  She's done this enough to know what it looks like and it's not currently in me.  The two biopsies need to be sent for further testing and in a week, or less, I'll know what level of the steps there are.  Pretty much I am right between the, let it go, check me again in six months to make sure it hasn't intensified step and the needed to do out-patient surgery step.  The precancerous cells, if strong enough, developed far enough can be removed by going in with a laser I believe and removing an entire layer/lining inside.  I guess the idea is that it will kill off/take away the current growths and we hope there are no future ones. She reminded me it usually takes 4-10 years for the cancer to fully form and there was not actual cancer yet today. 

That was a lot to process.  I lay there, worried to get up, as I did not want to face life, I did not want to find out if I was bleeding or how quickly or painful the cramping might be.  I got up though, as I saw the clock on the other wall and realized I no longer had the time option of checking off anything on that to do list and needed to get home before the bus came with my kids.

My kids.  As I started driving towards home, rather shaky, probably from tightening every muscle from my hips down to my toes were almost quivering.  Soccer, my son's first soccer practice...I can't not go, but I can't hardly walk.  What do I tell them?  Why is Mom walking slowly, or feeling weak?  Not something to explain to a 9 and 6 year old.  I made it home.  I made it to the bus stop, and fortunately with a sunny afternoon had the option of sunglasses to hide my eyes.  The kids excitedly got off the bus, my daughter announcing, "I'm going to go see the birthday beagle!!!  It's her birthday today mom, right?!"  Yes, it was.  Our first dog was turning 12 and was about to get a lot of attention for the rest of the night.  Then my son about ready to do his running tackle hug as I had to step back quick and stop him, explaining not right now.  It wasnt' long that we were in the house that my daughter asked why I was acting funny, walking weird and stuff.  Leave it to a fourth grader for the brutal honesty.  I said I had to go to the doctor today for some tests and I'm a little weak, but I'll be okay. 

That was enough to start up the, "Mom, can I have a snack?  Mom, can we take Sadie to Petsmart to pick out her birthday gift?  Mom we ALWAYS take her on her birthday!  Come on....."

Before long the idea of resting was gone and we were taking our 12 year old beagle out to get a birthday present and then K9 Custard for dogs from Micheal's.  Yes somehow we ate a very fast dinner there and made it back only 2 minutes late for soccer practice.  Which, somehow we made it through as well.  It was afterwards when we got back to the house and needed baths/showers that I realized all my energy and patience were gone.  I felt bad later once they were in bed, but thought really, I think as I Mom I can be exhausted, once in a while, right?  I am human.

They finally were both in bed and I texted back to my sister, then spoke on the phone as she had called earlier for an update.  After getting off the phone and sitting down for the first time, in silence, looking at my computer screen the tears reemerged.  What had happened today?  Why does life keep throwing me curve balls, giving me more challenges to face, day after day. 

Oh, I believe I forgot to mention on the drive to my appointment, my ex husband texts me that he's going to be in Minnesota all week and now wont' be taking the kids tomorrow night and doesnt' know what he'll be back Friday afternoon/evening.  Really?  Mid-day on Tuesday you text me this?  It's not that I don't want to have my kids.  I am more than happy to have them tomorrow night...and Friday if need be...but I had made plans for Friday night.  I had actually planned a party at my house....to which I was thinking as I read more Evite responses tonight, how on earth am I going to have people here when I don't feel very strong to vacuum, clean, get the house ready...nor do I feel like celebrating my birthday or life right now.

There has been a crack in my windshield for a little over two weeks now.  It has been driving my daughter crazy each time we drive somewhere, worried it is going to take over, to break the entire windshield and the glass is going to come flying in on me.  Well, I was noticing today that yes, that crack is growing.  As much as I want to ignore it or put it off it's start to crepe over towards the drivers side and although it shouldn't crash in on me, will continue to intensify as to how much it bugs me as well.  So tonight I finally called about getting it fixed.  Not that I want yet another thing to worry about, or how much I'll need to add to my charge card to get it repaired, but it needs to be done.  The crack is like the stress in my life.  It is growing, whether I like it or not and I need to fix it, remove it or figure out a better way to drive my daily life with it there.

I know my worries are small in the big picture of the world.  I have not been hit by a hurricane, an earthquake or tornado.  But in my own little world, the emotional storms lately have been a bit too strong for me.  I just want to figure out how I can make them go away.  I realize part of life is having obstacles/challenges to face and overcome, but I am tired of them.  I am exhausted by them and want a break.  No, not a break, but some positive sunshine to focus on again.  Starting out my 37 year of life later this week will not be done with a healthy trip to the gym, as I am suppose to stay away for a bit, it won't be celebrating great health, a great man, or a great new job.  It will begin as the calendar year began, with obstacles and challenges that I need to keep making my way though, hoping that the clouds are moving away soon and that I will be able to enjoy the sunshine of life more easily. 

I hope this entry did not come across selfish, as I so didn't mean for it too.  I have been overwhelmed, scared, worried, angry, hurt, depressed and somehow when my kids are around my smiley face comes back on as I am so blessed to have them in my lives.  As I laid in bed tonight earlier, trying to keep my mind from racing...I was brought back to the phone conversation about the new windshield, as the man I called was a former neighbor excited to have heard from me.  He asked excitedly how are things going?  I responded in my usually cheer voice, good!

Really?  What was I thinking?  GOOD?  I had to have two biopsies done today, I have Child Protective Services involved as the safety for my kids are their dad's, I have the local police concerned about my safety based on threats and behaviors of my ex, I have to start up a new school year in two days with less hours and less pay but higher payments on my credit cards that I am having problems paying.  I am alone, with no husband, boyfriend or sign of one and I feel ugly and overweight yet I was told today I have to wait to exercise...which is fine as I am typing right now, I really don't feel good enough to anyway.  Yes, I would say my usually upbeat, cheery Lisa GOOD was a flat out lie today.  Well, not so much a lie as a feeling I was acting out until my kids were in bed.  I am not good.  I am exhausted, sad, worried, frustrated, tender.  I guess the word to describe how my insides as well as my outsides and feelings are feeling is tender...and tired.  So once again I'll try and settle my mind while at least my body will be laying down resting, whether my mind wants to or not.